Post # 1
I am really having a hard time and this is a VERY Sensitive topic for me right now so please keep this in mind when giving comments. Thank you…
It seems for the last several weeks my FI and I have been at odds with each other. He keeps complaining about me becoming an UBER control freak and my biggest complaint with him is he seems not to care about our relationship/marriage and has been a clean freak (meaning he’s been cleaning up/moving things on me more than normal).
To give you some history, we started a pre-marital class 7 weeks ago, this week is the last class. EVERY single sunday morning he complains about having to get up early and go for this class. He’s made it abundantly clear that he isn’t going to the class on Saturday and will only go to the class on Sunday. He needs to be there for both but I can’t seem to get him on the same page. ALSO, this is the second class he will have missed and to me, I don’t feel he’s taking it as important as it really is. So that’s put into some of the issues and his lack of participation.
Then to top it off he’s complaining I’m a control freak and I’m not clean enough. Yes I am messy and he knows it. Well this past Monday we had our engagement session and I suggested to him about not wearing the long sleeve shirt b/c it was warm outside he got all upset w/me telling me that I’m a control freak. When I just made a suggestion not telling him what to do. The fight got so bad that for a second time in the last two months I threatend to say the hell with the marriage and end it. I know I only said it b/c he was in tears and wouldn’t talk to me (which is typical of him shutting down) and I have felt as if that’s what he really wants but is afraid to say it, but I didn’t mean it and don’t want that to happen. But he told me if I ever say it again then he will end it and leave for good.
I’m at a loss as to what to do. I feel that yes at times I am a control freak b/c i want things to go right and he knows I’ve always been this way, he just says it’s gotten worse. I think part of it is also, lack of trust in him, and I don’t know why. I know he won’t cheat. I love him and want to be with him but lately I feel like we’ve been doing the motions and have lost contact with why we love each other. I’m at a loss of what to do… I’m sorry it’s long, I’m venting and wondering if anyone else has had this issue, and I’m just really scared that I’m pushing him away. HELP!!!
Post # 3
you know what? right after we got engaged in november, every fight we had i would freak out and threaten to call off the whole thing. i think it’s the pressure and knowing that you’re really pledging yourself to one person for your whole life. whether you realize it or not, the pressure is probably making you both act a little funny.
but we finally had a discussion where he was like you can’t keep saying that you’re going to leave. and i told him that i need him to get my back and be on my side about things and not tell me i’m being too controlling when all i’m doing is taking control of something he doesn’t want to work on anyway.
and now, we’re totally on the same boat about everything. i think you should really just sit down and talk to him about how you feel. and also, think about what is going through in your head and figure out what you want to say to him. and don’t say it while sitting in front of the tv or something. make a nice dinner and set the tone for open communication. i’m sure he’ll respond positively. good luck to you! 🙂
Post # 4
I could not understand your situation more… we recently went through something very similar. There are a million emotions going through your mind right now, I honestly think you just need to take some time to cool off and don’t do anything you’ll regret.
I promise it’ll get better! Set some time aside to do something that you both enjoy…cool down all the wedding and marriage chatter a little bit and just be “you guys” and remember why you love each other.
Post # 5
I think its somewhat normal. I agree with hamachi. It gets more real when you realize that its you two forever nobody else. My FI and i went through a period like that, but the pre marital sessions are what helped.. we realized where our communication gaps were, and why whenI would talk he would shut down.
Our situations seem simalar. I am a control freak im not gonna lie, but he has learned now how to accept that.. and he used to shut down when we talked completely. Now we learned how to speak to eachother differently so were not fighting and work through it. You two just need to figure out How to talk to eachother
Also I think that if you tel him when he doesnt want to go to your sessions it seems to you that he doesnt care about your marriage He will understand more where your coming from.. It may not be the most fun thing we ever do but its important to you.
As far as him being mad that your a control freak. and about the shirt thing. Everything is just amplified now bc our already on eachothers nerves.. It will get better you just need to work at it. Tell him tht you dont try so hard to be a control feak but you just like to be well organized.
Just dont threaten to end it anymore. It prolly makes him feel self concioius. Makes him feel disposable. I know it was in the heat of the moment. and also try to when you both get mad.. lower your voice change your tone and just say.. hey im sorry i dont want to fight.. Lets just talk it out..
I know im kinda rambling…sorry!! I hope this helps good luck hun!!!
Post # 6
No you all have been a help and brought me to tears!! It’s such a relief to know that I’m not alone and others have/are going thru the same thing. It’s the worse when you think that no one else could be going thru this and I’m all along. That alone is enough pressure. So thank you because it’s a relief to know I’m not the only one out there who’s lost it.
The thing is that’s one of my other hugest problems is that I’m HORRIBLE at knowing how my tones are for when I talk. Which is why our communication is already hard. I have been trying to figure out ways we can get it so I’m not all on him and he doesn’t shut down. It’s been a long time issue that I’ve been trying to figure out how we can work it out.
I have sat down and tried to talk to him to tell him how important it was to me and all he can say is “I need my rest.” See he works 3-11 on Tue-Sat’s so it’s already hard enough to get him to wake up for Church. Now we have to get up earlier for this class and he’s been giving me a hard time for that too. He is not a morning person and neither am I but I get up and go when I have to. He just complains. I don’t know what to do but this weekend is the last one…I am going to have to talk to our pastor and get us the multiple discussions afterall.
Post # 7
Just reading your post, before reading everyone else’s, my first thought was “something else is going on.” in other words, he is using the cleaning to feel like he is in control of something and then getting mad at your for not doing it to “get back at you” for feeling like you’re being a control freak. maybe he is afraid of giving up some sort of his freedom when getting married, which is totally normal. I think you should have a nice calm sit down and ask him if there is something else on his mind. We have times like this too and after asking my FI 15 times, he will tell me what’s really bugging him.
Post # 8
well one thing I know is he’s afraid my VERY messy room at my house will become like his room here at his apartment. But it won’t since I only get a corner of the room and now he’s like super cleaning of it. He’s not trusting me and honestly I kinda don’t blame him. But I don’t feel he should force me to change I’m not a have everything tidy type of person all the time, but I do try to pick up after myself when I’m at his place.
Post # 9
Ahhh…is it weird that I think this is normal!?! 🙂
First off–I think most women I know, are like you. We make suggestions to men and they turn it around to say we are controlling! I also think when being engaged its easy to say “lets end it” because of a silly fight. An engagement isn’t something you are use to. I really didn’t read anything in there that made me say “red flag”.
FI does the same thing, when I am upset–he shuts down. It is really hard. It’s all about figuring out how to communicate with each other. Sometimes I feel like I have to manipulate…change the tone and the wording to get my point across without hurting him or unknowingly hurting him (because he shuts down and his feelings are quite hard to read).
Post # 10
@yearns4god: I’m going to be the devil’s advocate for a minute so we can try to imagine what’s going on in your mister’s head. Disclaimer: This is my opinion and I would appreciate everyone not piling on with argumentative replies. This is solely my opinion:
Here to me are some of the facts:
Fiance does not want to go to premarital classes: While it seems to you like he doesn’t care about the marriage, you also told us fiance works from 3-11. I would argue that it is very hard for him to care about something when he knows he is missing out on sleep. Sleep is a biological need and it isn’t like we choose to be dead tired. Perhaps he isn’t not caring about the relationship, rather, he may just be following his biological imperative.
He thinks you’re an uber control freak: This may or may not be true, but I find weddings give women what I like to call “Marriage Brain”. If you liked to be in control watch out because marriage brain will amplify that. I would agree that cleaning for him right now is his only sense of control, but not because I believe he has underlying issues, but rather because he feels like your marriage brain has made you a control freak. From what you described I would compare his cleaning to anorexia. Nothing is going to be clean enough because he feels powerless. When a man flips out because you suggested a short sleeve shirt (and I mean this in the most loving way possible) you might have some marriage brain. Ease up on those reigns =p
You think he secretly wants out: If a man wants out, I would say 95 percent of the time he will tell you so. What I see here is that you told him you’d leave and he cried, and then you got upset that he shut down. If my significant other told me twice in the past two months that he would leave me and forget the marriage I would do the following: cry and then shut down. If he didn’t react that way I would think there was a major issue. As for him telling you “if you say ‘the hell with the marriage’ again I will leave you”, I think that is a perfectly logical response. This is a commitment to marriage and if it seems like you’re already ready/eager to call it quits over a fight well…that doesn’t bode well for the other person, no?
He tells you you are becoming more…xyz: This is why I decided to write this post. I debated, because posts like these are usually touchy, but someone needs to play devil’s advocate. You admit you were controlling before and messy. Fiance has been in a relationship with you so he knows all that. The only thing has changed is the wedding, so again I point to marriage brain. If he tells you you’ve gotten even MORE controlling/messy/whatever the odds are it’s true and you just haven’t seen it yet.
So…my advice? Relax, try to go back to the way you were before the marriage brain. Ease up on the reigns and try to understand what your partner might be feeling. I wish you both the best of luck.
Post # 11
The part of this that I can really relate to is the tidy/messy conflict, so I wanted to say something about that that. I am also messy person by nature and my husband is very tidy. When we moved in together this did cause us some trouble. He didn’t tell me right away that it was really bothering him that he always ended up doing the cleaning (In my mind I was always going to do it “later” and he would get to it first!)
The reason I wanted to comment is that you mentioned that you don’t feel he should force you to change. While in general I think that’s true, neatness is one area where I do think it’s ok and in fact necessary to compromise, even if that means changing your ways significantly. When you’re dealing with a shared home, both people have the need to be comfortable in it, and people who are brought up in a home that is kept very clean kinda can’t get comfortable when things are a mess. Whereas I can definitely be comfortable in a clean home, it just means more effort on my part!
It sounds like a minor issue, but when you’re thinking of living with someone for the rest of your lives even minor issues can blow up. I would suggest making a point to do more of the cleaning before he can get to it (not all of it but an equal-ish share), and get used to it as a routine. It will show him that you’re trying to change and to make him happy in an area that’s bothering him, and maybe it will make him calmer in other areas as well.
Wish you both the best! 🙂