Rough night…LDR (Military) Blues…

posted 2 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

willow_1960:  My DH is not military but I know how you feel. He works away for 6-8 weeks at a time, followed by 5 weeks off. He’s currently in Thailand and has been gone just over 2 weeks.

Before our wedding we lived in France, where I had lived before meeting him. I had all my friends, my apartment and my job, and was 1h flight from my family. I loved having him around and missed him horribly, but still had my own life and coped by seeing friends I didn’t see much of when he was there, catching up on series he doesn’t like, visiting my family etc.

Since we married, we have come to live in his home country, several thousand miles from my old life and my family. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard, but I have no choice. I knew about his job when we got together and I know he suffers as much as me, but it gives us huge opportunites to live where we want and to travel. He and his colleagues calculated that if we have children, he will actually see more of them in his time off than if he had a full time job and had to work late or at weekends etc. To fill my time I’m volunteering, cooking, reading…if you have a job already at least you don’t have to fill your days!

People’s reactions to our situation are mixed. Some say “Oh, I could never do that, I’ve never spent a night away from my SO” and some are envious saying that distance like that is great as it gives you both the chance to do your own thing and leaves little time for arguing because you are so happy to spend time together!! It all depends on how you look at it – if you truly love your SO and want to spend your life with him, surely its better to have him for some of the time than none at all? I know that’s how I made my choice and however much I might miss him, I don’t regret it for a second.

Post # 3
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I’m 2.5 months into a 4 month deployment. It’s our second one was a couple (first was 5 months) and we’ve gone through a fair number of mini times apart from a few days to 6 weeks for training. 

The best advice I can give is that it gets easier with time as you get used to the time apart. I’ve also found longer separations are easier than shorter ones because I spend the longer ones having a “single life” where I can make decent plans for myself, like holidays with friends or trying a new hobby or for me this year I’ve gone back to do part time study. You have time to settle into your own routine. 

Having a partner in the military is not an easy choice though and it’s okay to say it’s not for you. 

Good luck with your last week apart – you’ll forget how crap you feel now as soon as you see him again! 

Post # 4
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Also if you look through my previous posts I’ve got one from a month or so ago hating on my current deployment – it’s totally normal to need to rant a bit! 

Post # 5
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: Dreams Resort and Spa, Puerto Aventuras, Mexico

My fiance and I were in a LDR for a year, and it is incredibly difficult. I also grew up in a military family and saw the toll that deployments took on my mom, as well as the other military wives. It’s never easy. I feel that it made my fiance and I stronger, though. We both had to really work on the relationship, and our communication skills improved dramatically. Hopefully you will have a similar experience with your SO. If he is the right one for you, you will both find a way to make it work.

Post # 6
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I am a military wife. My dh is deployed right now. We are 2 months in to a 6 month deployment. This is his second deployment in the 2 years we’ve been married. It is definitely tough. I just remind myself that it’s temporary. Believe it or not it gets easier as time goes on. I spend the first few days extremely sad and then I’m ok. I still have a random sad night but then I hear his voice or see a picture and can’t help but smile because I’m happy to have him in my life even if he has to be away at times. Just always remember the distance is temporary and so is the sadness. 

Post # 7
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

The good news is as a military wife you would have alot of support.  These days, most jobs at any level above burger flipping require some form of travel.  For the bulk it’s a weekend here or there, but for a good number it’s more, and it’s sporatic, and can be equally as dangerous, like oil rig or deep sea fishing or even government contracts to middle eastern places without the perks of being a solider.

I say this as someone comming from a military town where alot of the men who were not farmers who did have to travel for work as the base didn’t support civilian life, but in general was more hospitiable to life than the rest of the state.  There are so many people who travel.  Don’t throw out a good relationship because of deployment…it’s one of the only professions where you will have a built in support group and understanding for a traveling spouse.

Post # 8
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee

My husband was stationed at Ft. Irwin, while I was in our home state of WI while we are dating.  We had to go 6 months at a time without being with each other.  Since Ft. Irwin is a National Training Center, there were weeks I didn’t even get to speak to him because of the crazy schedule and I got to see him a few hours a night and a few weekends when I moved out there.  Best advice I can give is surround yourself with your friends and family, pick up a hobby and I always tried to pick up extra hours at work to keep my brain occupied.  Good luck to you and your man.

Post # 9
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

willow_1960:  My husband is in the Army Reserve, as well. We have went through one deployment with him going to the Middle East. It was very difficult for me during his deployment. I won’t lie to you and tell you it will be easy if you guys continue a relationship or marriage.

The best way to get through this is to continue as you have been doing and stay as busy as possible. Also it’s important to have a good support system of friends and family. As a Reserve wife, the support system is pretty limited, as we aren’t very close to his base among other things. Just continue communicating with him and building strong relationships with your friends and family. Reservists work one weekend per month and have annual training they must attend yearly. He will get deployed, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll get deployed to the Middle East.

Best of luck! Feel free to message me if you need to chat or have any questions.:-)

Post # 11
Member
1201 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t say it will get easier but you will get used to it. If you ever need someone to talk to, just send me a pm.  Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think it’s natural to picture easier…but travel is becoming much more necessary in this global world.  My fiancee has had to travel alot this year due to a contract they picked up at work.  He can travel as little as 2 weeks in an entire year or as much as 6 months.  His lower-level co-workers travel even more…about 3months to 9 months a year in 2-6 week intervals.

My dad travels in 3-4 day stints more weeks than not.

My good friend is married to someone who does corporate training, besides a very wacky schedule he has about 50% travel.  Its hard.  Her dad was a schoolteacher and she was able to eat lunch with him during highschool if she wanted.  She really struggled becase so few of her friends understand and the military wives who should of been nice to her were rather cruel.  She’s met a better group now, but they do have a good support system.

For myself, the few days before he leaves and then the few immedatly after are very hard.  Then things get into a groove where I have a bit more free time and barley notice, right after the middle is hard, adn right before he comes back is also hard.  And if he’s gone for a while there is a period of adjusting.

 

Post # 13
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

willow_1960: 

My FI is currently doing a 4 month deployment in a non-war zone. I met him 2 months after his stint in Afghanistan. Until your guy goes through training, your lives will be pretty broken up in terms of LDRs. That’s why many young couples marry once the other enters the military. There is a lot more assistance for military spouses.

Once he gets his assignment, you two will probably have a more stable lifestyle.

It may not seem like it’s worth it, but if you love someone enough you’ll do just about anything to make it work.

I think the key is having your own life. Get engrossed in a hobby or book, throw yourself into work or school. Be your own person. Anything to help the days go by. Stick it out and really evaluate your feelinga for him because when they’re away you’re mostly what they think about. They’re fearful you’ll move on. And stringing a man in the military along only to break up with him later is rough.

Just be strong and know he’ll be coming home to you soon!

Post # 14
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

My husband is in the Navy and has been for some time. He’s gone more than he is home. Out of every given month, I will see him maybe two weeks if I am lucky. He deploys for three. Some months are worse, he may not come home at all, or he’ll be home for a night before he deploys again. I’m not going to tell you that deployments are easy, because they’re not. However, they do become a part of your every day life. The whole military does. Your SO is owned by the military and that makes things difficult. I can’t tell you how many times my husband and I have gone out to a wonderful nice dinner only to be called and say, “Come in. Now.” Weekend plans are hit and miss because he might need to cover for someone, or they might spontaneously deploy him.<br /><br />The day we got married, they called him that morning and told him he was deploying. I’ll never forget that phone call.

“Sir, I’m getting married today.”

— “Not today you’re not.”<br /><br />Thankfully he had someone to cover for him, but it just goes to show that military life is never “normal.”<br /><br />However, you need to determine if this life is for you. You need to determine it right now because if you two are in it for the long haul and marriage is even maybe a blip on your radar, there’s no going back. I cannot count, even on the stars in the sky how many times my husband has told me, while on deployment, divorces are filed and breakups happen. It’s cruel and heartless. So, decide now if this life is for you, because it isn’t fair to him if it isn’t.<br /><br />The military life is a good one, however. The military generally takes care of its people and their families, but they do not acknowledge girlfriends, boyfriends, or fiance/es. So, if anything were to happen to him (Or you!) they’d have zero responsibility to let the other party know.

<br />The weeks (or months) that they are gone are the worst. They never get easier, just a part of your life. I immerse myself in gardening, friends and gaming, and if you don’t pick up a hobby or a way to burn time, you will go mental. The only thing that keeps me sane is ticking down the moments until I get that call to come pick him up from base. That very first night together makes every single second I waited absolutely worth it. I love my husband more than the breath in my lungs, I despise that he is gone so much, but he is a package deal. I am strong and I can survive it. You need to decide if you can, too.

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