Post # 1
If it were any other time in our relationship, I would be okay with saying that we are going through a rough patch.
However, we are about 1 month away from getting married.
I don’t know why at this point in our relationship, all these tough issues from our past are coming back. Things I thought we dealt with already. And new issues too. And it’s more behavioral kind of stuff… we are still really both on the same track as far as family, kids, money, work, lifestyle, where we want to live, etc… so I keep telling myself that those are the important things and at least issues about that are not coming up last minute.
But there are these trust issues from our past that have been creeping back in and causing fights. We spent a whole week fighting every day going through this trying to get to a solution but I think we kind of did, after a lot of crying and yelling and hurt. But my fear is that since we DID already go through that before, what’s to stop it from coming back again?
Now we had our bachelor/bachelorette parties this weekend and there were things he is mad about and things I am mad about regarding that. So I am thinking there will be another week of fighting. Not to mention that I have no desire to see his friends and groomsmen any time soon as they basically treated our relationship with ZERO respect this weekend – and encouraged Fiance to do the same.
I have been in therapy working on my own problems and things I do that negatively affect our relationship, and it’s frustrating at times that I feel like I’m the only one willing to work really hard at this. Then I think that Fiance is working hard, but he gets fed up about that too easily.
I feel so emotionally drained by this and so scared. I just want to feel those wonderful feelings again, the happiness we’ve felt going through this wedding planning process, rather than the anxiety of us having a troubled relationship.
Has anyone else gone through this kind of rough patch right before their wedding? Or anyone going through it right now?
Post # 3
But there are these trust issues from our past that have been creeping back in and causing fights.
What happened? Were these little trust issues (random hypothetical example – you tend to be overly jealous and project your insecurities onto him) or big trust issues (he was caught flirting with another girl or worse)?
And why did the trust issues come “creeping back in?” Did he do something that pushes your buttons/raises red flags? Or were you just worried about “what if’s?”
Post # 4
@Andr0meda: Somewhere in between those two things.
The thing is, now that he’s back things are not what I thought and we are back to being our old selves… no more fighting, and I’m feeling so happy about that and so in love. But I am scared we’re going to get back to fighting again.
Back to my original question, has anyone been through a rough patch in their relationship very close to the wedding? If so, how did you get through it to see what was important?
Post # 5
Have you guys done any pre-marital counseling? A month to go, I think I would try and get in for some sessions in the next week or two.
To answer your question, no, this did not happen with me, but I have known other couples who got really stressed out and had a few more conflicts right before a wedding. I would be concerned about having “trust issues” at this point, though. “Trust issues” are a pretty big deal im a relationship, in my opinion, and not things that you should be going into a marriage with. I really recommend counseling for you both together, even if you feel “happy” this week, as clearly these are deeper underlying things that need addressing.
Post # 6
vlbee This part sounded very familiar to me: We spent a whole week fighting every day going through this trying to get to a solution but I think we kind of did, after a lot of crying and yelling and hurt
A couple months ago, Fiance and I were fighting like crazy, way more than we had fought before our engagement. All of these issues just kept popping up relentlessly. I felt like he wasn’t willing to stand up to his family for me. He said he didn’t even know who I was anymore. We talked and talked and talked over things until we didn’t even know what we were talking about anymore. It cut deeply, and I was scared about the future of our relationship.
A little space helped us a ton. I went solo to Easter with my family (which was planned), but those couple days apart helped distance us from the conflict and negativity. When I got back, we realized that we had been stressed and trying to figure out making a new family of two is HARD.
Not too long ago, I wasn’t sure how we could recover our relationship and move on with the wedding. Now, I just wish it was Saturday so we could get married.
I think the conflict helped us to realize that we weren’t a “super couple”, and really, no one is. We have better ideas of one another’s expectations. We know that it’s going to be hard sometimes, but that we can still rely on each other when things aren’t sunshine and roses.
Post # 7
@risingsun: Thanks for your reply. What you described sounds a lot like us. I think we needed a few days apart to de-stress and come back together. I have to realize that I can’t keep bringing up the past if it’s not part of the present, and he has to understand the way the past does affect me at times. It gave us time to think.
When we were fighting that one week, it felt like work. It felt like we were trying to solve a really complex math problem. It sounds strange, but looking back I can see the progression of the fighting and how it got us to come to somewhat of a solution.
Post # 8
@risingsun: Also, congratulations and I hope you have a BEAUTIFUL wedding this weekend 🙂
Post # 9
We DEFINITELY fought before the wedding. Ugh, we’d fight over EVERYTHING. Darling Husband finally acknowledged that it was mostly stress over the wedding. We fought over money because he was stressed about spending that much at once. We fought over other stuff just because we both had short fuses.
Post # 10
vlbee I know what you mean. We both were trying so hard, but were both so emotional, and you feel like to have to fix it NOW because of the wedding coming up… there’s no other way to put it but that it just sucked. I wish you all the best, and I hope that knowing that you guys aren’t alone and that it can get better helps you. Thank you for the well-wishes 🙂 Feel free to PM me if you want to talk!