(Closed) Rought Morning … This could get long [warning]

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It sounds like you need to do some major soul searching here – if you don’t have the same interests, social circles, ideas of how to spend free time, values regarding marriage, families and children then why are you together?  These are major maritial issues and knowing you don’t feel the same way is not a way to begin a marriage.  Marriage is for a lifetime and a huge committment.  You shouldn’t need “insurance” by having a child with someone.  From what you’ve posted it doesn’t sound like you have the healthiest relationship – what about premarital or basic councelling? 

Post # 4
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way! I can totally relate to the frustration of waiting, especially when you share your lives in such an intimate way.

However, I’m a little thrown off by the need to party and bar hop, and how your boyfriend’s disinterest in these things makes you unsure of your compatibility. You say in your post that you know that he is the one for you, and it sounds like he takes very good care of you, which is wonderful. But based on personal experience alone, I find that regular partying and drinking only puts a strain on a relationship. It’s common to say and do things you wouldn’t otherwise do, and that can get messy.

When I was 22, I was definitely still interested in going out and having fun with my girlfriends. Unlike you, I didn’t feel I was mature or grounded enough to commit to a serious relationship or ponder the very serious idea of marriage. When I met my current boyfriend, and later discovered I was in it for the long haul, bars and parties no longer seemed to fit.

Granted, with all this aside, you are still young, and deserve to live up your years in the way that you see fit. However, I think your boyfriend is totally justified if he does not want to party or spend a night out at the bars. I just turned 25 and I don’t find an evening of drinking appealing at all anymore. But your boyfriend does need to be proactive in planning fun things for the two of you to do together. It’s important to share experiences with one another outside of the house.

I hope you two are able to work through your rough patch, and that you start having more fun together. Good luck to you both.

Post # 7
Member
289 posts
Helper bee

@sleepingbeauty88 : I totally see where you’re coming from now. You’re right, it’s important to make social sacrifices for one another when you’re in a relationship. I mean, this is your partner we’re talking about here – you want your friends to know, understand and appreciate the bond you two share, and really know the person that you consider your other half. When your boyfriend is too stubborn to bend and accompany you to social events, it can be a huge letdown.

What does your boyfriend like to do for fun? It sounds like he may be a bit of a homebody, but are there certain acitivites (i.e. board games, cooking, listening to music) that could be translated into public events? Boards games –> trivia night at a local pub, Cooking –> taking a cooking class together, or Listening to music –> Going to a concert. These are all just examples, of course, but you should definitely try to brain storm some ideas based on what he likes to do at home.

But what can I do when he is everything else I can ever ask for?

Some things are just a deal breaker, and there is no need to feel guilty about it. You sound like a social girl, and in order to feel appreciated, you need your partner to support this side of you. It’s less about forcing him into awkward situations and more about celebrating the love you share in public and with those that are important to you. You are under no obligation to be 100% content just because someone has a few qualities that you believe should keep the common woman satisfied. It’s about you, what you want, and what you are and are not willing to deal with for the rest of your life.

 

Post # 8
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@sleepingbeauty88: have you told him those things?  You may be sacrificing a lot for him but does he realize it?  What does he sacrifice for you?  Every relationship should be about even, both making sacrifices for “the couple”.  Things will wax and wane between sides but it’s about balance, compromise and fairness.

I’ve been in a relationship where I had no problem giving up everything about myself to be with him and do whatever he wanted.  That wasn’t fair to either of us.  He didn’t appreciate it, and I kept giving.  That is not equal!  You each need to appreciate each other.  Can you rely on him when you need to?

Post # 9
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Is it possible he has social anxiety? I only say this because I used to have anxiety that impacted my behavior and meeting new people. Perhaps if he addressed some of the issues of how he feels around meeting new people and in uncomfortable situations then things might get better?

For some of the other things I have had to “force” my SO to go out with my friends or out to bars. He is not a social butterfly AT ALL and is content to stay home and play computer. But if he knows something is really important to me, he will come with me. Granted, I have moved towards doing many social things without him because he is just not interested. However, he and I regularly go out together (this has increased since we recently relocated to a new city). Many times we go back and forth with the “what do you want to do” “I dunno, what do you want to do?” If I want him to plan something, I ask him a few days to a week ahead of time if he could please plan a date night for us. He’s not the spontaneous type that will come up with amazing date ideas on the fly, so this way I still get a surprise but it alleviates some of the pressure for him.

So in summary: I don’t think it’s fair if he never goes out with you, or with you and your friends. I think he needs to figure out a way that he can come out occasionally. At the same time, if it’s not his thing, then you’ll have to find other things to do together. I also wish my SO was more of a social butterfly. But he’s the one I’m in love with, so it’s something I have to be okay with (and can be okay with). 

Post # 13
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I bet if you gave him an ultimatum he would propose to you.  Not that I am saying you should do that, but that is what I would do.  He sounds like he loves you a lot and will do anything for you.

Post # 16
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

I have been where you are! A few years ago I dated a wonderful man for a little over three years. Like you said, he paid the bills, and was very good at playing house with me, but without the commitment of planning to get married. We lived together for 2 years, and it drove me NUTS that he wasn’t excited about marrying me. I never got into the bar or club scene, but he was a bit of a hermit and we rarely did things with other people. Every weekend was the same..dinner out, movie at home, and then bed. It never changed, and being only 21 at the time, I got antsy. Without giving a lot of thought to it, I left him.

I came to regret this later, as I realized (after dating some losers) that he was a really good man, and that I should have appreciated him more. Leaving him ended up being the right decision in the long run because we found out we simply did not want the same things for our futures together. I wasn’t ok with settling with someone who would eventually give in to marrying me and having children. I wanted someone who more than anything wanted to marry me and have a family one day. I didn’t think it was too much to ask. And I have finally found what I always wanted Laughing

You have to follow your heart! Appreciate a good man when you find one. Everyone has their up and down days. You deserve a little vent every once in awhile!

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