Post # 1
I’ll admit that I’m learning as I go here when it comes to wedding invitation etiquette so just when I have it all figured out I get an invite in the mail to a friends wedding that throws me for a loop.
So I know for a fact that this girl and her FI are paying for a lot of their own wedding. Probably More than half. I was specifically told that her parents are covering the plates for only a certain number of guests. Yet my invitation is a very formal one… Parents request your attendance at their daughters wedding etc. Ok sure fine, but when I went to RSVP i noticed the RSVP envelope is addressed to her parents.
I’m just curious as to if it’s appropriate to present a wedding as being hosted for you if it’s not in fact being fully done so. I’m in a similar budget situation and was always planning on saying something along the lines of along with their families bride and groom request bla bla. And collecting the RSVPs myself. This recent invite made me wonder if I’m going in the wrong direction, as my event will be black tie optional and hers will be less formal. Thoughts?
Post # 2
Our parents are both helping pay for our wedding, but we are also paying a good chunk. Our invite was worded “Together with their families, so and so invite you to celebrate their marriage…” Our RSVPs are through our wedding website, but if I’d had them mail their RSVPs, it’s likely I would’ve addressed them to my parents bc i’m in an apartment building and don’t trust the mail here to always get to the right person…. just more reliable that way. Maybe they just wanted to be traditional…
Post # 3
some people have issues with mail and would rather not have to worry about rsvps, or they have controlling parents.
Post # 4
This is one area in which couples really make the call. For my wedding it is 100% paid for by my dad but we are still doing the whole “together with their families” thing so nobody feels left out.
Additionally, I would be cautious with a “black tie optional” dress code. An event is either black tie or it isn’t. It isn’t an optional thing, that often confuses guests. It is farther reaching than the dress code alone. Just a heads up if you were unaware.
Post # 5
maybe the mother is helping with the wedding planning and volunteered to help with the RSVPs?
Maybe what you were told about the financials was not the whole truth, e.g. because she’s ashamed to admit that her parents have put in some extra money. (In fact this is what I think is happening).
Either way, people can do what they want; and there’s nothing wrong with the invitations you are planning.
Post # 6
I totally understand wanting to be traditional, I would like to be too, I just was always under the impression that wording it that formally is not appropriate if the event isnt really fully being hosted by the parents. I just want to know what’s correct so I know what direction to take my own invites.
And no her parents aren’t controlling she is planning everything her parents are just issuing a check.
Post # 7
theshannondee: Thanks, I’m not including a dress code in my invite. I say optional because our families will be well aware it is formal however we know certain people will opt to dress down a bit and was just trying to convey the formality of my event for the post.
I too want to include both families but love the idea of a traditional more formal invite (using both families names) but wasn’t sure if that’s appropriate if they aren’t fully hosting.
Post # 8
BWLE: I included both sets of parents on our invites even though we paid for the wedding ourselves. It was more about including and respecting our parents and less about the proper “who’s hosting” etiquette. For my parents, it’s probably a cultural thing that parents are listed on the invitation that they were used to seeing on other people’s invites, so they asked that we included them.
It didn’t really matter to me if people knew we paid for our own wedding or not, in fact I think most of our guests might have assumed that my parents paid for it (no one asked me, at least).
Post # 9
emstar168: Thank you for your reply, I love that you went this direction and I think I might too. I love the traditional formal invite! I’m glad to hear I won’t be shunned by the etiquette queens if I word it that way And my parents aren’t paying for everything.
Post # 10
BWLE: even if her parents werent paying a dime- they could still be listed like that as honorary hosts. It’s up to the couple but no that’s not a faux pas or a misrepresentation.
Post # 11
MrsBuesleBee: perfeect thanks! I think I’m going to do the same thing then!
Post # 12
My parents are paying about 60% of our wedding and we did the traditional ‘parents request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter’. Also, my replies are going to my mothers address, it is the technically proper etiquette for formal wedding invitations.
Just do what you want it to look like! I really wanted traditional, formal wedding invitations and replies so we worded it like the Crane Blue Book for Weddings suggested we word them! Good luck!
theshannondee: by the way, ‘black tie optional’ is a dress code, not just an in-between. Black tie requires a tux and a formal long gown. Black tie optional let’s people know that a very nice suit & elegant cocktail dress will work just as well.
Post # 13
- Wedding: October 2014 - Church
BWLE: We have “Together with their families …” on our RSVPs. FI’s mom is contributing a portion, my parents are contributing the same (and then a few extras we were not expecting that they decided to pay for out of the blue). It worked out so that we are paying for just over half the costs. That being said the RSVPs were addressed to come back to us since we are organizing everything. I don’t think it really matters where the RSVPs are going back to. It could be that they will be moving before the wedding and want to make sure they get somewhere. Could be any reason. Go with whatever works best for you.
Post # 14
SouthernProper: She was addressing the fact that black tie itself is NOT just a dress code, it’s a type of event. That’s why it’s appropriate to put ‘black tie’ on an invitation, but not any other type of dress code. A suit and cocktail dress are appropriate at any wedding, unless it’s a truly black tie affair , which is why the idea of putting black tie optional on an invite is unnecessary, confusing and against etiquette. But the op isn’t doing that, so no worries!
OP, I don’t think this is an etiquette issue. Most of your guests shouldn’t know your financial situation anyway. Word your invitations how you see fit.
Post # 15
Remember that etiquette isn’t used to give people an insight into your finances, it’s about being respectful. It would be 100% disrespectful to NOT include parents on an invite when they were paying for the wedding in some capacity, but not disrespectful to not include them if they weren’t paying anything.
Is it disrespectful to add them even if they aren’t paying anything? No, that’s completely up to you. I hope that makes sense. Basically, you can be as traditional as you like if they aren’t doing anything but if they ARE doing something then a certain level of tradition is required.