RSVP Etiquette question.

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Our parents are both helping pay for our wedding, but we are also paying a good chunk.  Our invite was worded “Together with their families, so and so invite you to celebrate their marriage…”  Our RSVPs are through our wedding website, but if I’d had them mail their RSVPs, it’s likely I would’ve addressed them to my parents bc i’m in an apartment building and don’t trust the mail here to always get to the right person…. just more reliable that way.  Maybe they just wanted to be traditional…

Post # 3
Member
262 posts
Helper bee

some people have issues with mail and would rather not have to worry about rsvps, or they have controlling parents.  

Post # 4
Member
1256 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

This is one area in which couples really make the call. For my wedding it is 100% paid for by my dad but we are still doing the whole “together with their families” thing so nobody feels left out. 

Additionally, I would be cautious with a “black tie optional” dress code. An event is either black tie or it isn’t. It isn’t an optional thing, that often confuses guests. It is farther reaching than the dress code alone. Just a heads up if you were unaware. 

Post # 5
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

maybe the mother is helping with the wedding planning and volunteered to help with the RSVPs?

Maybe what you were told about the financials was not the whole truth, e.g. because she’s ashamed to admit that her parents have put in some extra money. (In fact this is what I think is happening).

Either way, people can do what they want; and there’s nothing wrong with the invitations you are planning.

Post # 8
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

BWLE:  I included both sets of parents on our invites even though we paid for the wedding ourselves. It was more about including and respecting our parents and less about the proper “who’s hosting” etiquette. For my parents, it’s probably a cultural thing that parents are listed on the invitation that they were used to seeing on other people’s invites, so they asked that we included them.

It didn’t really matter to me if people knew we paid for our own wedding or not, in fact I think most of our guests might have assumed that my parents paid for it (no one asked me, at least). 

Post # 10
Member
8071 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

BWLE:  even if her parents werent paying a dime- they could still be listed like that as honorary hosts. It’s up to the couple but no that’s not a faux pas or a misrepresentation. 

Post # 12
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My parents are paying about 60% of our wedding and we did the traditional ‘parents request the honour of your presence at the marriage of their daughter’.  Also, my replies are going to my mothers address, it is the technically proper etiquette for formal wedding invitations.

Just do what you want it to look like!  I really wanted traditional, formal wedding invitations and replies so we worded it like the Crane Blue Book for Weddings suggested we word them!  Good luck!

theshannondee:  by the way, ‘black tie optional’ is a dress code, not just an in-between. Black tie requires a tux and a formal long gown.  Black tie optional let’s people know that a very nice suit & elegant cocktail dress will work just as well.

http://www.emilypost.com/everyday-manners/your-personal-image/69-attire-guide-beach-casual-to-white-tie-

Post # 13
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

BWLE:  We have “Together with their families …” on our RSVPs. FI’s mom is contributing a portion, my parents are contributing the same (and then a few extras we were not expecting that they decided to pay for out of the blue). It worked out so that we are paying for just over half the costs. That being said the RSVPs were addressed to come back to us since we are organizing everything. I don’t think it really matters where the RSVPs are going back to. It could be that they will be moving before the wedding and want to make sure they get somewhere. Could be any reason. Go with whatever works best for you.

Post # 14
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

SouthernProper: She was addressing the fact that black tie itself is NOT just a dress code, it’s a type of event. That’s why it’s appropriate to put ‘black tie’ on an invitation, but not any other type of dress code. A suit and cocktail dress are appropriate at any wedding, unless it’s a truly black tie affair , which is why the idea of putting black tie optional on an invite is unnecessary, confusing and against etiquette. But the op isn’t doing that, so no worries!

OP, I don’t think this is an etiquette issue. Most of your guests shouldn’t know your financial situation anyway. Word your invitations how you see fit. 

Post # 15
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Remember that etiquette isn’t used to give people an insight into your finances, it’s about being respectful. It would be 100% disrespectful to NOT include parents on an invite when they were paying for the wedding in some capacity, but not disrespectful to not include them if they weren’t paying anything. 

Is it disrespectful to add them even if they aren’t paying anything? No, that’s completely up to you. I hope that makes sense. Basically, you can be as traditional as you like if they aren’t doing anything but if they ARE doing something then a certain level of tradition is required. 

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors