Post # 1
My RSVP’s are very straighforward, making it impossible to be misunderstood.
_ seats have been reserved for you
_ number attending
_ regretfully decline
I fill in the blank for number of seats reserved and send it off with the invitation. So far, almost all of my guests have been competent enough to figure this out…you write your name and how many people are coming in your party. Pretty easy.
One groomsman has taken it upon himself to not only send his reply in 3 weeks late, but add a ‘plus one.’ Now I know this is not a new situation and nearly every bride will experience this to some degree, but I have a very limited tolerance for people thinking that weddings are free and open to the public. On one hand, he is in the wedding so it may be reasonable for him to bring someone. But the way we are running things, everyone is the same and we are only inviting spouses, fiances, and long-term partners (over a year). The person he has invited to my wedding is a girl he has been dating for a month. Honestly, if he would have asked us about it in hopes that she be invited, I would have been less than pleased but okay with it and told him it was fine for her to come. The way he has passive-aggresively just written her name on the response card 2 weeks out without saying a word to FH or me just makes my skin crawl.
It is my family who is footing the bill and personally I could care less about whether he is in the wedding or not. How do I handle it? Should I have FH say something to him? Or should I call him myself? Just ignore it and let him be rude??
Post # 3
[Comment moderated for trolling]
Post # 4
I wonder if the reason he sent it in three weeks late was because of her… if he sent it in at the deadline he would have been dating her 1 week at that point and may not have known if he even wanted her to come. (of course, that’s all the more reason not to bring her at all)
Obviously you couldn’t have invited her, as they weren’t dating when the invitations went out. I understand the reasoning behind wedding party participants get to bring their gf/bf even if the rest of the guests don’t, but in this case it would have been impossible for you to invite her by name, whether separately on on his invitation, because they weren’t dating and probably didn’t know each other when the invitations went out.
Is it possible he did ask your fiance if he could bring her and your fiance forgot to tell you?
Post # 5
Hi @KMRS: Etiquette Snob here… lol
As far as the paperwork went… you used the method that tends to make for the least amount of problems so you did good there.
And as Muppetfan: said, chances are he just doesn’t understand how Wedding Invites & RSVPs work.
You too committed an Etiquette Faux Pas, as you truly should have given him as a Member of your Bridal Party (you said he was a Groomsman) a Plus One to begin with
Members of the Bridal Party are supposed to be your good friends, and are making a HUGE Contribution to your day (and many other days / events usually as well). With that comes some perks… and one of them is bringing a Date if they choose.
They are not your “everyday” single guest.
IF however you are going to be adament about this… and make him feel awkward for not understanding… then as he is a Groomsman, then your Hubby-2B is the one who should talk to him.
Hope this helps,
Post # 6
@KMRS: He probably wasn’t intentionally being rude!
I’m new-ish to the Bee, and not engaged yet, but until I started reading this Web site I had NO IDEA how expensive weddings were, and how big of a deal it was to bring a date! Now I know, but he might just be thinking it’d be okay.
I think people tend to get “outraged” a lot on here… no one besides you is putting as much thought into your wedding as you are! People are not constantly snubbing you on purpose! People are just blissfully ignorant most of the time I think…
Post # 7
@laughs: To EVERYONE on here… no one besides you is putting as much thought into your wedding as you are! People are not constantly snubbing you on purpose! People are just blissfully ignorant most of the time I think…
I COMPLETELY agree with this!! I also had no idea how intense this stuff was until I joined here! I’ve RSVP’d yes to a wedding before and then bailed at the last minute (subsequently ruining the friendship but 1. I didn’t know that would happend 2. we weren’t that close anyway)…now that I know how much money weddings cost, I definitely feel bad…although the wedding was a completely dry wedding & not in a fancy place so they probably didn’t lose out on more than $50 but still, I would’ve gone if I knew then what I know now.
OP, I’d say he’s a guy and may not have known. I’d cut him a little slack with the anger and just let FH handle it! good luck!
Post # 8
He should not have included an additional guest without first asking you about it. That being said, I think it’s nicer to invite people with a plus one. When I was single, I never, ever brought anyone along, but my friends always invited me with a plus one. It’s just a courtesy, especially for someone who’s a part of the bridal party.
He’s being weird. I agree. But let him bring his date, he’ll be a lot happier and you’ll have more fun.
Post # 9
@laughs: +1, especially to the last part that your guests are not intentionally snubbing you.
I know how clueless I was about all of this stuff before planning my own wedding, and my FI was even more clueless than myself. Most guys don’t understand at all how much goes into planning the wedding, the etiquette and RSVP rules. Now that I have planned my own wedding, I completely understand the frustration that comes with RSVP’s, and I sympathize with you there. That being said, I do think that since he is the wedding party, I would cut him some slack… he should get a plus one anyways, so I would just let him bring her along.
Post # 10
@KMRS: That’s really frustrating, especially since you did all you could to be clear and he probably wasn’t even dating her when the invites went out. I totally see why you’re annoyed. That said, I agree with others who stated that the guy probably didn’t realize what a d*ck move it is to just write someone’s name in. Guys don’t generally know these sorts of things. I’m sure he wasn’t trying to do it just to tick you off. I would let it go. He’s a groomsman, he should have a +1 anyway, and as you said, if he had known to ask you would have said yes. Putting your foot down with him now will just cause more drama.
If you are going to absolutely say no, have your FI do it. I would go with “Sorry, man. RSVPs were due back 2 weeks ago so we just put you down for one since ya’ll weren’t serious when the RSVPs were due. So we’ve submitted the final count already and can’t add anyone. Wish you would have told us sooner! Dang!”