Post # 1
So my wedding is not until next July. I recently sent out Save the Dates with my wedding website printed on them. My website is through The Knot, which automatically shows an RSVP option. This isn’t how I plan on doing RSVP’s but I figured I’d keep it up in case people we don’t talk to often want to post ahead of time to give us a heads up.
So I get an e-mail today saying that someone has RSVP’d. I know that the Save the Date was specifically addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Something. The Knot requests that you RSVP by typing in each name as it is written on your invitation. Not only did Mr. and Mrs. Something RSVP, but also added their two teen daughters.
The Somethings are friends of my future MIL. She told me that it was okay not to invite the girls (she originally wanted to but I told her we needed to cut back). I’m confused why they would make the assumption that their daughters were invited based on how the Save the Date was addressed.
We are inviting a few other younger people to the wedding, so we can’t use the “no children” excuse. We haven’t sent out formal invitations yet, which will again be addressed as Mr. and Mrs. Something, but should we address this now since they didn’t get the picture the first time? I suppose I should also talk to my MIL to-be since she might have messed up and told them they were invited! Even if she offered to pay for them, I wouldn’t really want to just let it slide. We’re already inviting far more than I’m comfortable with and I really don’t want kids there anyway. I also don’t want to start letting things slide when this is only the first response!
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2013 - The front lawn of our church
@sullybear: I would talk to FMIL. She may be able to smooth it over without causing any drama:)
Post # 4
@sullybear: People today really don’t understand or know the concept of wedding invitation wording.
That being said, when DH and I married when custom made our invitation RSVP cards and wrote in the names of those invited.
It went like “We look forward to spending the evening with you. “2” seats have been reserved for “John and Jane Doe”
That will send a clear message.
Post # 5
Also, remove the RSVP option from your site so this doesnt happen again. You can re-add it when you send invitations, if you want. We left it up but no one used it.
Post # 6
@antisocialite: Agreed, remove the RSVP option. People are really odd when it comes to understanding who is and is not invited! Since it wasn’t “The John Doe family” they should not assume the daughters were invited!
Post # 7
Hi @sullybear: I see this is your DEBUT Post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”
Etiquette Snob here… lol
1- Remove the RSVP option from your Wedding Website (personally even when you get to the actual invite stage, I’d be more in favour of collecting mailed in Replies than electronic ones… as it is seen to be classier)
2- Many people are confused by STDs… they aren’t traditional. They are a newly thought up element by the Wedding Stationery Industry (for them to make more money). Consequently “some people” assume this is the actual Wedding Invite… so don’t be surprised if you get stuff happening like this or Questions… “It says WHEN not WHERE…etc”
3- In this particular situation… this family, I’d say ignore this problem for now. In so much as an STD is not an Invite… it merely is a “flyer” announcing news (having taken the place of an Engagement Announcement in the local Newspaper).
Hopefully when you order your Wedding Invitations and Reply Cards you can rectify the situation in so much as you’ll use Outer & Inner Envelopes, a NAME line on the RSVP Card, and “we have reserved x seats in your honour”
My best advice as an Etiquette Snob is make sure you have all your ducks in a row when the time comes to send out the actual printed Invites. You can get much info here on WBee by reading past and future topics on this matter in the months to come.
Hope this helps,
Post # 8
Thanks for all the input Bees 🙂 . I definitely do not intend to use the RSVP option on the website, we’ll have reply cards of course when the actual invitations go out. I just figured it wouldn’t hurt to leave it up. I guess in a way it helped because I now see how quickly people make assumptions about who is invited! Do people really say “we’ve reserved x seats in your honor” on their invitations? I’ve never seen this before (of course I also know that what’s written on the envelope is who is invited…no more!). It seems like a lot of work but I guess it’s worth the trouble if you avoid awkward situations.
Post # 9
I’m not sure what I think about this. I think it is a little weird to assume young children are invited, but teenagers are usually civilized. If it were no kids at all I think that would be ok. I am in a similar dilema in regards to planning a brunch. My friend asked if she could bring her (annoying) kids, and her husband (who doesn’t get along with my Husband). I said ‘sure.’ But I am reluctant.
Post # 10
Teens may be civilized, but there is no mandate to invite them. Spouses, fiances should be invited, but kids, NO. It is optional.
IMHO, STDs are FAR overused. I suspect some brides are just using them as attention getting device. As in look at me. Look at the pictures. Put this magnet on your frig. To those who say, we are only using STDs for VIPs (which you should know if they if they are married or engaged) and out of town, I think you are better off with personal note or even email to out of town. Just say, our wedding is xyz date and location, and we will be inviting you and John. We are hoping that the TWO of you can attend. Call me when you have a chance.
Post # 11
@juanita.kelly.9: I do not think it is to get attention. We did ours because ours is around Christimas time when people will be traveling and we wanted to make sure people knew when it was so they do not plan vacations and such during that time. If it was a few people I understand emailing, but it would get annoying emailing over 300 people. Plus it will be nice to add something to our scrapbook. Assuming people do it to get attention is hasty generalization. I understand some do, but I feel like most do not. If you say that, then why get engagement pictures and post them on facebook, having bridal showers or engagement parties, or sending formal invitations. You could just email them the date, time, and location for that and they would get the same information as they would on an invitation.
Post # 12
Since you haven’t sent the invites, I’d take down the RSVP option, and send the invitations. Until then just let it go
One thing you can do is add in “we have reserved 2 seats in your honor” on the rsvp card. They should get the hint at that point and if they go to look for their “unofficial and way too early” RSVP on the website they’ll see it’s gone.
If this doesn’t clear things up at that point, then have FMIL deal with them.
Post # 13
@sullybear: I’d say tell your FMIL asap so she can diffuse the situation and maybe bring it up in convo casually……
Other then that yes on the rsvp card people do say that…I did…. however I will warn it still doesnt stop people from adding which really makes them look like idiots, but at least they KNOW their being rude….ie: mine said “we have specially reserved___ places in your honor. Please indicate how many of _____ will attend. _____”
I then manually filled in (with a fancy pen) how many seats as I was putting together invitations and it seemed pretty obvious what should happen… the person was then to fill out in the blank space to the right how many of 1, or 2, or 3, or 4 were attending….
I still had people fill in 3 when it was 2….or fill in nothing and just wrote the extra name on the bottom along with theirs…. people are stupid and they will try to add more even when its PAINFULLY clear how many people are invited…. but at least you have a leg to stand on to say…”sorry there’s been a misunderstanding, but the invite was in fact for 2 people”
Post # 14
I said I suspect SOME brides do it for attention. And I do think it can backfire.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Do people really say “we’ve reserved x seats in your honor” on their invitations?
Yes- we did, and it solved the issue of “extra” invites.
“___ seats have been reserved in your honor.
___ will attend.”
Post # 16
Definitely let your FMIL handle this family.