RSVPing for People Not Invited?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1961 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess

Horribly tacky. Since it’s his side, I would ask him to deal with calling them and saying, “We would have loved to have so and so attend, but we have no additional spots available”. Or, “due to the venue’s restrictions, we are working with an imposed guest- limit.”

I can’t believe people would do that. There’s a funny thread about worst etiquitte flubs that is hillarious, you should read it. Lots of stuff like this and more crazy stuff.

Post # 3
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Lbward6:  If you do a search here, you will see that this is not uncommon. Seems a lot of people were away when manners were taught.

I suggest you each tackle problems from your own families. His family, his problem.

“Hi ____, there must have been some misunderstanding. We see that you responded for 5 extra guests. We are not able to accomodate extra guests. If this means you are unable to attend, we will miss you at the wedding.”

Do not give any reasons. There wil always be those who want to solve your problem so they can bring their extra guests: no room? he’ll sit on my lap; no budegt? we’ll pay for them etc etc etc

Post # 4
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee

 Lbward6:  Is FMIL contributing towards the costs? If not, you can kindly remind her that it’s $200 per person and if she wants all of those “very nice” people to attend, she will have to assist, since you don’t have the budget for it.

Is there any chance that she’s encouraging all these add-ons, since they’re all from FI side?

Post # 5
Member
2913 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

we had this happen with a few guests- people wanting to bring their boyfriend or their kids or whatever. we just contacted them and explained that unfortunately we could not accomodate any extra guests, it’s adults only, etc. don’t say anything about not being able to afford it because then they might offer to pay for the extra people and then you’d need to come up with another excuse.

Post # 6
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

A quick call is always the best to clear up the situation.. I pray to Gooooood I don’t have to deal with this but I probably will 🙁

Post # 8
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

Wow, that is extremely rude of them!! As the others have said you need to let them know.  You don’t need to tell them why, or give any reasons.  These are adult children too that she is replying for?! That’s pretty weird!! Good luck!! 

Post # 8
Member
7206 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Lbward6:  When people are rude, it’s ok to be a little “rude” in return.

Someone (preferably your FI, but if all else fails you can do it) needs to call them and say something along the lines of, “Sorry, limited numbers, we can’t extend the invitation to your adult children, etc etc”. Be polite but firm. They have been rude and need to be told “no”.

I’m appalled at the gall (and cluelessness) of these people. If they were dependent children I wouldn’t approve but I can at least understand, because they are a family unit. But adult children have left the nest, they are a different family. By that logic, older couples would get to bring not only their children but their grandchildren.

Post # 9
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Lbward6:  Rude. I would ask FI to tell them because it’s his family. It’s unreasonable to expect you two to pay thousands more for people you disn’t invite.

Post # 10
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Lbward6:  We had this- the very last RSVP to trickle in- they added 4 people to it. Our venue was very intimate- and those 4 extra people really messed things up.  Thankfully- the venue handled it amazingly– but it was from my husband’s family- and they are people he hadn’t seen in years.  They were invited because his sister (who has never planned a wedding or been married) suggest we invite them “for his mom” (even though I don’t think she would have been even slightly offended if we hadn’t).

 

There are a couple different ways to handle this.  Call and politely explain there is no room– but if you use this reason- it better look like there is no room.  Otherwise, ask FMIL to chip in for thier plates since she seems so excited they’re coming.  Or tell her that you’ll have to politely decline them unless she wants to contribute since your budget doesn’t allow it.

Or, just suck it up to keep the peace.

It’s so funny- because this group that invited themselves- they were the only ones to show up in jeans!!  

Post # 12
Member
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Surprisingly this only happened with one person, but she is a very good friend and had done a lot for me, so we told her she would be allowed a guest. 

Our invitations allowed for a name and a check box for their meal choice, so it left less room for error.  I suppose someone could have written an extra name in, but thankfully they didn’t.

I would like to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s just an innocent mistake, but I am surprised how many people spoke to me in a manner that suggested they assumed they were invited.  And how many people gave FI and I the cold shoulder when they realized they weren’t invited but expected to be. 

People just don’t get it…

Post # 13
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Lbward6:  That’s why you should ask FI’s family for $$.  Since it’s thier family, I would sit down with her and explain that the extra RSVPs are costing quite a bit more, and logically, you’ll need to decline them.  But if it’s important to thier family that they attend, you’re more than willing to to have them as guests if they wanted to help cover the hefty price tag that comes along with thier attendance.  

I can’t believe that they’d think it was unreasonable.  Even if you come from a wealthy family, it doesn’t mean that your wedding doesn’t have a budget.  Yet it’s FI’s family that would be upset if they didn’t attend or you had to decline them– so it’s worth a conversation IMO.

Post # 15
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I do not like the idea of asking Fiance’s family for money, I think it depends on the circumstances.  If one side of the famly has given money for wedding, even with no strings, and then you allow other side to buy more seats, to me that seems unfair.   I dont see why anyone should feel awkward saying very sorry for misundestanding (which is BS), but only the Mr. and Mrs. were invited. 

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