Post # 1
So FI and I started receving our RSVP’s back this past week and we were so excited. However that excitement quickly turned to frustration and now into OMG i cant stand his family.
Back when we first started planning the wedding FI and myself and my folks decide on a smaller wedding of 50 people as my folks and ourselves were the only ones putting in any money for this shindig. The list quickly grew to 62 and my cooridnator said no more as the room can only hold 60.
So the inviations were sent and now RSVPs are coming back. We sent invitaions to friends and siblings and made sure not to say “and guest” if they werent in any kind of relationship as we were trying to invite the people close to us but also stay in budget.
FI brother and sister who are not dating anyone currently are sending theres back for 2 people attending and they did not get “and guest” on their invitations. When FI called his family about this it was a huge fight his folks were saying that if they knew the budget was small then they would of helped pitch in and its customarie to send “and guest” to the single people. This burned me becuase they did know what the budget was, i talked with them multiple times about the limited number of people that could be invited from his side as my family and some firends would be there as well(FI is italian so huge family). Fi has given up talking with his family he put the phone down and walked away from it on Sunday and I had to pick it up and finishing talking with his mom.
We cant go over 60 the venue just wont hold it and honestly i think 60 is a nice number.
I feel bad for FI as his famiy doesnt seem to understand we have BUDGET and they keep wanting to inivte people. Well after talking with his mom on Sunday Im almost positve she is mad at me as I told her Im sorry but the room only holds so many, this is the venue we chose and we can not invite anymore people. I just dont know how to handle people assuming they are allowed to invite guest when we never put down that it was an option.
Well his mother still sent that we “had” to invite 4 more poeple and that his brother and sister should be allowed to bring a guest. ALso if we had cancelation to let her know as their are other people that she thinks needs to be invited :
Im so overwhelmed now and its still a few months away. Everything was flowing just fine until this situation now my FI isnt on great speaking terms with is folks, they just wont listen to him and we have an overflow of people we have to somehow cut to 60.
Im not sure why his mom is insisting on inviting so many people as she has said before this situation that she will through a get together when FI and I fly back in the near future for everyone that can not make our wedding.
Sorry Just need to rant. Thanks for listening.
Post # 3
They need to understand that this is not a BUDGET issue but a CAPACITY issue. Tell them that no more than 60 bodies can be at that particular location and to have more than 60 will violate fire codes. They should have provided a complete guest list initially, none of this ‘adding people on’ business. FI needs to drop the hammer on his siblings about their random dates. If you’re feeling generous, you can tell them that after the RSVPs are all back, IF there’s room you’ll let them bring their guests. If there’s not any room, then too damn bad.
Post # 4
@FutureArmyWife12: Sorry you are going through this! That’s so rude! But some people are just clueless. A couple of my people are doing that as well, although it’s not a capacity issue for us, so we’re just kicking in the extra expense.
Post # 5
@FutureArmyWife12: Are THEY paying? If not, THEY need to can it. I will never, for the life of me, understand people that get *mad at the bride and groom* for only being able to invite a set number of people. They are welcome to conduct their weddings however they want: this one is yours and you get to decide who comes and who doesnt.
In-laws or not, if we run into this situation I will not be sugar-sweet about it: “60 is all we can hold. The list is made, sorry if our limited venue size offends people.”
Period, end of discussion.
Post # 6
@badabing88: So they are NOT paying for it, never offered to until Sunday when I told them sorry we can not move the venue and this is the max number we can have.
Not sure why its a shock to them, seeing this is the number i went over with both my folks and his folks before we put down the NONrefundable deposit.
Fi mom at one point said well just move the venue, I was kinda insulted cuz we picked this place cuz its amazing floor to ceiling windows, two stories, 20 floors up with a panaormaic view of the mountains.
I washoping the entire wedding planning process would have been smooth like the past 9 months but nope here we go. I told FI ill talk with his folks going forward about any “unexpected guests” so he wouldnt have to get so stressed out with them.
Post # 7
@FutureArmyWife12: Absolutely do not even think about picking a new venue: if they want to have a party and invite everyone they know, they can throw one themselves.
Post # 8
@badabing88: In-laws or not, if we run into this situation I will not be sugar-sweet about it: “60 is all we can hold. The list is made, sorry if our limited venue size offends people.”
OP, you and your FI need to say exactly this^^. Just keep repeating it.
Post # 9
What I wish you could say: “Well FMIL, unless you have some sort of magical powers that can make the room bigger, we cannot invite these extra people. We do not HAVE to invite anyone else, and further more it is not physically possible. Now shut your big trap and go away.”
Now back to reality, you need to stand firm that this is about capacity of the room. Forget budget, because she’ll find loopholes there (like guilting you to pay more). When she says she just has to invite someone, say “I’m sorry but this is not possible”. Stay short and firm with your responses. At the end of the day she can complain as much as she wants but there is really nothing she can do about it. You (or FI) have to bite the bullet and personally tell these people that they are not getting a plus one.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
If they are still insistent on it. Make sure you develop of a list of who is allowed in the reception venue and either hire someone or ask someone to play bouncer. All you need is for your venue to get to capacity and then the venue is turning around people who should be there and not people who weren’t invited. Make sure you tell the parents this as well. If they are smart they will back down as the fact that friends are getting turned away at the door would be more embarrasing then not being invited.
Post # 11
I think you need to call those particular people who invited extras and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry, but because of capacity reasons we cannot allow all of our guests to bring someone with them, and we have no extra room for the additional people you put down on your RSVP card. I will mark you down as coming to the wedding without a guest.”
Well, something like that.
I’m not very eloquent.
There’s no point in arguing over this with his mom, especially if she hasn’t invited extra people (yet).
And BTW, I’d consider having someone at the door checking people on the invite list so that people don’t try to bring extras out of spite.
But that’s just me.
Post # 12
@DaneLady: Thats pretty much what is happening and only for his brother and sister we told them once we have ahead count if there are cancelations and room then we will let them know if they can bring a “guest”. FI parents however keep saying its customarie or approtiate to let single people bring a guset. FI told him he doesnt care if it is or not, its our wedding and this is how it is for us. Thats about the point he set the phone down and walked away. No one on that side is listening.. BUt I like the fire code comment I think ill use that the next time they want to “add” people.
And I agree they should of, but ill tell you this when we first asked for a list his folks kept saying its to soon for a list that we had plently of time. So we made our own and moved forward now here we are 2 1/2 months til the day and they want to throw a list together, nope Im not having it.
Post # 13
@FutureArmyWife12: SO RUDE! ok…what you need to do (to give them a reality check) is get your COORDINATOR to send you something official looking in print…even if its just an email stating that the max capacity for the venue is 60 people. According to your contract and Due to fire regulations etc etc… YOU can be fined a hefty fee if there happens to be someone doing a count. ONLY 60 seats will be set up and no more place settings will be available.
tell her that since brother and sister are attending a family event, they will know more then enough people that they dont need to bring a guest to occupy them. Invited guests only need a plus one when they dont know anyone else at the wedding.
Then, if she proceeds to go on….price out another venue that will hold more, and complile an estimated bill for the cancellation fee of your current venue, and ALL over and above costs you will incur (food, decorations you name it)…and give it to her and say….”MIL here is costs you will be responsible for in full in order to change the wedding”….maybe she will change her tune!
Post # 14
@FutureArmyWife12: I seriously cannot understand why its so hard for people to understand the concept of “capacity.” Your venue holds 60, bottom line. What is she planning on doing about that?
For now, develop a “B” list, and tell FMIL that depending on the RSVPs of “A” list guests, you can CONSIDER extending them an invitation.
Post # 15
Thank you bees, for all your suggestions. I know now that I am not crazy or mean or being a bridezilla by sticking to the list or my budget or room limitations. And The ideas you ladies have given are great and I will for sure be using them in the future, as I know she will be calling to try and increase the list again. Thank so much again 🙂
Post # 16
@FutureArmyWife12: I hope everything works out for you. If all else fails, I would have the coordinator call them and let them know if a person’s name is NOT on the approved guest list you will not be letting them in.