Post # 1
I have a social situation that I was hoping could get cleared up from some bees. I belong to a social group of women that go out for dinner once a month. In the group of 12 women, five are currently engaged and have gotten engaged since I’ve joined the group!! I also see the same women at social gatherings for birthdays, fundraisers, BBQs, etc. Whie I’m not their best friend, I still see them 3-4 times a month total and everything is fine sharing jokes, personal stories and updates on life. As the engaged ones are getting closer to their wedding, I’ve noticed that I am not invited to any of them except one where I am the MOH. I’ve been part of this group for well over a year and thought I was a little more connected to them than this, but it appears otherwise.
Now, in social situations I feel akward and disconnected from them. I asked my bride/best friend if I should continue to be part of the group, to which she replied I’m just old fashioned and social norms don’t apply to women “our age” (Mid to late 20s, some early 30s). Life has not skipped a beat for them and I was recently invited to one of their birthday dinners. It’s odd to me that I should be invited to a birthday but not a wedding from the same person. To top it off, as the MOH for my best friend, I am constantly having to call the other engaged girls’ MOHs to make sure my bride does not have conflicting dates to theirs for the shower and bachelorette party. I’m working around the schedules of women who clearly don’t care that I exist and even helping their MOHs with tips and party planning. (I’m beginning to think I’m too nice.)
I realize that everyone has limitations on the number they can invite to their wedding, but I am literally the only one not invited from the group. I wasn’t being snoopy but saw that all of the others have the save-the-dates through comments on Facebook and Twitter, which obviously show up in my feed. Is this a situation where I need to re-evaluate what I thought were friendships or realize that these girls are just stuck on themselves and it’s not personal?
Post # 3
@jcol1984: Unfortunately, without observing all of you interacting it’s very hard for an outsider to say what the motivation not to invite you could be. Maybe they consider you just a “surface” friend that they see socially but arent super close with. If that’s the case, I don’t think that makes them “stuck on themselves”: maybe they just don’t view the relationship in the same way that you do.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t take it quite as personal. I’m surprised they didn’t include you when the entire group is invited – but, I really think at some point guest lists need cut down a bit and since you aren’t best friends maybe it was an easy place to cut. As for the planning of your best friends wedding, I would certainly quit coordinating with the other MOHs. You need to do what is best for your bride and you, and if the other girls from the group have conflicting agendas thats not your problem.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t let a wedding invite, or the lack of one, get you down. Most brides agonize over guest lists and worry about this exact situation. Nobody wants to hurt anybody’s feelings, but, invevitably, you can never invite all the people you would like. So I would judge these women based on your actual interactions with them. If they are kind and fun and supportive and nice, and if you enjoy being friends with them, I would continue to be a part of the group. If they’re mean and constantly snub you or make you feel bad, probably not worth it. But don’t judge things by wedding invitations.
Post # 6
@JenGirl: +1, excellent advice. I’d say the same to women that say “well if she was REALLY my TRUE friend, she’d make it to my 3 showers and 2 bachelorette parties.”
Post # 7
@jcol1984: I’m sorry you’re hurt – I would be too, but I’m not sure I understand what etiquette you think they’re breaking? Unless they’ve gone out of their way to let you know you are not invited, I don’t see where they’ve done anything inherently rude?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in a situation where I thought I was part of a group and friends with a girl only to be the ONLY ONE not invited to her wedding so I totally get where you’re coming from – but, I don’t think anyone owes anyone else a wedding invitation, you know?
Post # 8
For me, if I literally saw someone just about every week and didn’t work for them and they didn’t invite me to their wedding, I would stop spending so much time with them since they obviously don’t see me as a friend, and after so much time with them not regarding me as close, my efforts would be better spent elsewhere.
Post # 9
Thanks for the advice so far ladies. I guess I was thnking that if they discuss their upcoming weddings (themes, dates, registries, color, location, etc.) with me than I thought it was rude to not invite me, hence the idea of poor etiquette. I could literally spout off the details for every one of their weddings because that is the place they are in mentally and what they mostly talk about.
I will try to limit accomodating their schedules but that may be hard since they are all invited to my brides’ activities and then again she is invited to all of their activities. I suppose it may be time to find a different social group.
Post # 10
@jcol1984: Ugh. Exclusion sucks. Been there, felt that. Honestly, the fact that you are the only one not invited speaks volumes about how these women view you in their group. I would continue to coordinate your best friend’s wedding but like Sarg88 above said, stop coordinating with the other MOHs or you will be “too nice.” If I were in your shoes, I would start distancing myself from them. Stop going to their birthday parties (and any other gift-grabby parties) and get out there meeting other people. There are groups out there that will make you feel included – promise. 🙂
This is not wedding related, but I was excluded out of nowhere by a colleague who inadvertedly set me up with my current SO. For the first couple months of our “friendship,” she invited me to EVERYTHING. I was game, and I thought everything was fine. During that time, my SO (her husband’s friend) and I hit it off. Suddenly, she became really distant from me and started EXcluding me from everything while inviting/including my SO. It was definitely rough and felt like sh!t. Now I am the distant one and reject her when she out of nowhere began to include me again. Life is too short for people who make you feel less than included.
Post # 11
@jcol1984: Is it possible that budgets are limiting the number of guests these women are inviting? I know that I will have to make some tough calls due to our budget, and may not be able to invite some people that, sadly, I’d like to share my day with.
Post # 12
@jcol1984: It could be that they appreciate your taste and advice. You may also come across as a really good listener and they open up to you. Hence, they discuss their choices/options with you.
Post # 13
@MrsNewDay: “the fact that you are the only one not invited speaks volumes about how these women view you in their group……
Sorry, know not being included is hurtful. While I would remain friendly, I would procede forward knowing these women are not really your friend. HelloKitty is right , actions speak louder than any words. She has some great advice. I would take it.
Post # 14
Most people understand budgetary restrictions on an intellectual level. However, the hierachy of one’s real importance to someone else becomes painfully obvious when there is an expectation of an invite and none is forthcoming. Hopefully those you are not inviting don’t regard you any higher than you regard them, so a lack of invitation won’t matter.
Actions (or inaction) speak louder than any words.
Post # 15
@jcol1984: Can I ask, What is the nature of the group? And are you the most recent person to join the group?
I am *guessing* that you are new to the circle, came as “Sue’s friend” (if Sue is the girl you are MOH for), and the other girls just see you as “Sue’s friend” rather than their own friend. It’s not exclusion per se, just a recognition that they’re not close to you.
In my opinion, I’m sorry to say, no one owes anyone a wedding invite. And yes, I’ve been there. It seems everyone I know gets an invite except me. But wedding invite lists are hard, there is a lot of expense and there are always people to leave out. I disagree that there is an etiquette that everyone in the “group” must be invited. The bride (and groom) invite those they feel closest to, group or no group.
I do agree, though, that it is rude to talk weddings in front of you when you’re not invited.
Me, I try to not let wedding non-invites affect my friendships. I’ve got to, because so often I’m the one not invited.
Post # 16
I wouldn’t take it too personally. I’ve found myself in the same situation. We are having a family only wedding, and I had a group of girls that I went out to dinner with a few times a month. Unfortunately, because we are having a family only event, they are not invited to the ceremony. As a courtesy, I try not to divulge any more wedding related information than need be, and I let them ask the questions. They all are aware they aren’t invited, and they understand.
On the other hand, we are also having a large gathering in a local park the following day to which everyone is invited.
To me, weddings are very personal, unlike a birthday. Weddings are an intimate moment for you and your future husband where you exchange vows for forever in front of friends and family. Not everyone feels comfortable doing that in front of a lot of people, nor do they have the money to do so.
I wouldn’t think on it too much. Just because you dine together, doesn’t mean you are best friends. Of the 3 girls I used to dine with, I only talked to 1 of them outside our dinners. In fact, I recently even made an agreement with one of the ladies that we wouldn’t even pretend to be friends anymore since her and I are in very different points in our life and can’t seem to communicate without offending one another.
Edit: I just wanted to add that I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to leave the circle. When I started realizing that my life was heading in a different direction then the other 3 and we ran out of things to talk about, I gracefully bowed out and continued with the existing friendship I had with the 1. Nobody likes to be the odd lady out 🙂 Good luck!