Weddingbee boards

So we are doing a destination wedding. We originally wanted to, everyone was against it so we decided on doing one locally. We have now cancelled those plans and are doing what we really want (DW). So before we reserved our wedding date and even had our new invites made, my FI and I called everyone who had children and let them know that we were interested in a few hotels, but one was adults only and a little pricey. We are giving a really short notice (5-6 months) and wanted to be sure that our people that we felt we really want to be there were A)comfortable leaving the little ones behind, and B)would be able to find a sitter for 4 days (or however long they chose to stay), and C) would not mind dishing out the cash. All 4 couples who we are inviting who have children agreed that it would be fine. Well, FI's oldest bro is now wanting to rent a big house and have a lot of people stay there. We are required to have 80% of guests stay at our hotel, and also a day pass must be purchased for $100 to enter the hotel for our wedding. He also has invited at least 4 people to our wedding without even asking us if it was okay. I really dont mind those people, but we wouldn't have invited them on our own. We are trying to keep the guest list below 20 people.

So, he wants to rent this house, and was telling FI "daughter really likes the beach, so we want to bring her." Well, nobody under 18 yrs old is allowed in the hotel, even for weddings (which is why we asked before booking). His daughter is 2. So my FI told him all of this last night, like no kids, 80% and the day passes. I am just shocked! He seems to be trying to get us on board with this house rental....and we aren't/ And it's really upsetting me that he is trying to get other people on board with it because they can have a million dollar house with 10 bedrooms. He has complained that we are doing an all inclusive resort and that the food won't be good. We picked a really nice resort that is supposed to have great food and service. I just don't get it. They travel with his wife's family all the time without the kids. All the time. They go to Vegas several times a year with her family, and no kids. At one point he even sort of suggested we do the wedding at the house he wants to rent. Ummmm.....no! We have put a lot of time and hours into planning our wedding. And I think the fact that he invited his wife's family is just wrong. I don't know if he thinks that because it's an all inclusive resort that it's all free or what. Well, it isn't. We are paying for our wedding. It's not a free for all. And even if it were all free, it's still our wedding.

Oh I just feel like he doesn't really care about our wedding. My FI told him last night on the phone that we do have a lot of other poeple who are probably coming, which is true. I just wish he would stop looking at this is a family vacation, or his event because it is really taking away from what I have envisioned. I told my FI, if it were any other situtaion, he would cave and just go along with it, so that is prob why he keeps pushing for it. I just don't know. I am just worried that he will end up inviting his wife's parents at this point. I hate to say this, but her parents are mooches and I don't enjoy their company at all. I don't even know her parent's names. I don't want them at our wedding. I pray that he leaves them behind to watch the kiddos.

Well, I just needed to vent about this. I'm a little frustrated. My FI is really close to this brother and I think he is a little sad that he keeps trying to sort of take control. I am going to send invites to the 4 people he invited because I feel uncomfortable about the situation. However, if he tries to invite her parents or any of her cousins or anything, I am going to tell him that we cannot accommodate them at our destination wedding. Ugh!!!!!!!

Thanks. He did call him last night and let him know that the hotel does not permit children even for the wedding. He told him that before we even booked the hotel, but I guess his selective hearing had kicked in! He also told him that 80% of the guests have to stay at the hotel in order for us to do our wedding there, and that anyone not staying at the hotel would be required to pay $100 day pass. I am going to wait for a few days, and we will see what happens. If this comes up again, I will probably step in and just speak up about it.

His bro and sis in law are typically not very considerate so I am not completely shocked, but since this is a wedding, I feel like certain etiquette should be followed. We will see what happens I guess. My invitations have not been sent out yet because they just haven't been shipped to me yet. I ordered RSVP cards obviosly and also a seperate card with our wedding website. The site has all of that info as well, and I even asked for people to stay at the hotel. We want to do a welcome bonfire the first night that everyone srrives. I think that would be really nice, but we need the people to be at the hotel to do it! And we dont want a bunch of people crashing our wedding either!!

@pinkmagnolia-that is correct. Our wedding is in Mexico. Nobody will be driving home. Most of our guests are staying 3 nights, but some are staying a bit longer. Everyone who we spoke to wants to stay at the resort that we are having the wedding at, except for the one FBIL, his wife, and the 4 people they invited to our wedding. My FI and I will not be accomodating them with their $100 day passes! Uh, sorry!

Not to mention, he said the house has 10 bedrooms and made it sound like he wants to fill the house! That's two people per room so that is 20 people! I do not think so!!!! And our guests do not all know each other, so we would never even suggest to them that they all stay in a house with a bunch of strangers. This is a wedding, not The Real World on MTV! A few couples and our mom's are going to be having this as their vacation for the year. At the all-inclusive, they will have more opportunity to be alone, or have dinner together, and just be more independent. I think it would be out of line for me to ask people to atay in a house with all strangers. Just because the house is big, doesn't mean the experience will be good!

I do agree with all of you that he should be able to stay where he wants.

I guess with it being my FI's brother (and they are really close), it would be nice to have them with us at our resort. I know it really hurts my fiance (and me) that his bro does not want to stay there and be a part of the wedding festivities with OUR new family as a group. I feel like this is a time for him to be with his family, not his wife's family. I mean, it's one weekend. It's our wedding. I guess I feel like it's our wedding, and if he wants everyone to go on a vacation together, he should arrange for that but our wedding is not the appropriate time. We sort of wish he would just put aside what he wants for what we want. I guess that is really selfish though. I'm just frustrated. He said yes to the resort before hand, looked it up online and everything and was all on board. Then after we make it official he changes his mind and says it won't be good enough basically. Complained that the food would not be good enough.....

I just don't think I can say no to the people he invited. It's his wife's family (sisters and their significant others) and I will just feel really bad saying no. In fact, when they told us that they wanted to come I was shocked but said I would be sure to send them an invite. EEk!

He then asked, "Don't you want "our neice" at the wedding to be your flower girl?" I very nicely responded that we wanted to do an adults only resort because we will be there for our honeymoon as well and we don't want children around....not just the ones in our family, but everyone elses kids too!

Another part of it is that when the kids are around at holidays or family gatherings, all attention is on them pretty much the entire time. My FI and I often find it difficult to even have an adult conversation at dinner with his family because everyone is doing their ABC's and counting and and saying their colors pretty much the entire time. We love the little ones but want our wedding to be more adult time than kid tme. They can all come to the BBQ that we are having when we get back.

If they try to bring anyone else on board, I am going to say no. I could seriously see them with her parents and maybe even grandmother at the resort the day of the wedding. I don't know if I would cry from anger or laugh from being completely appalled! It's so rude that it's almost comical.

These are all really good points.

I can see that I really need to be absolutely okay with FBIL staying where he wants but being very clear about what can happen as far as people coming to the wedding.My honey was clear with him that we would not be considering a different location as well as we would not be asking our guests to stay with him at his house or renting the one next to the one he wants to rent (something else he suggested).

I will keep you all posted as far as how this plays out. Thank you Lexi for our post. It is very helpful. All of the responses are. Thank you to everyone!

PS. Weddings are really crazy! I never in a million years thought there could be so many issues and problems! I'm thankful for this website and in the grand scheme of things, my wedding problems are pretty petty compared to others that I have read.

To be honest, I think that these types of weddings are incredibly selfish. It' puts the costs of your wedding on your loved ones that want to attend. My FSIL's younger sister got married, last June, and had a wedding in Mexico. She and her husband left her kids with a sitter for 5 days, which they had to pay for, plus the cost, of the flight and the resort- It was literally 4K.

Your wedding is your day, but it shold put a financial burden on family members, or keep people away from their children for days. Again, thats just my opinion

That being said I think that @Lexy: has given the perfect advice.

I personally feel like if someone has to pay literally thousands to fly/stay for your weddings, they should be able to make the time while they aren't at your wedding, about themselves. They have a right to act like it's a vacation 100%.

That being said there is no way in hell that he should expect the other people that come to Mexico to be able to go to your wedding. Also if he has been previously told that he'll have to pay a 100.00 resort fee for him and his wife to attend since he isn't staying, than he could (and probably should) be annoyed, but he has to chalk it up as part of the costs to attend your wedding.

I hope it all works out.

If it is infact a "vacation" for everyone else, his wifes family should have

I am in no way putting the cost of my wedding on my guests. My fiance and I are paying for the cost of our wedding, not our guests. Believe me, we have had many many people tell us that they cannot afford it or do not want to travel, or can't travel. We are okay with that. We have thought this through.

If I were invited to a wedding and I could not bring my children and was not comfortable with that, then I would decline the invitation. Period. Nobody is forcing anyone to come!

I would also like to say that it is presumptuous to think that people are selfish for having a destination wedding. I am sure that you know  a lot goes into planning a wedding. There are a lot of factors to consider such as cost, expectations, and the biggest factor for us: family, among other things. You really don't know why people choose to have the wedding that they do. There could be a lot more to it than what you see. I try to be open-minded in what people choose to do.

Another thing that you may not understand is that these are not just "people" attending our wedding. We are sending out 10 invitations. Those are going to the people who we are the closest to. We understood in the beginning that maybe we not even have 1 guest. We were okay with that. Not out of selfishness, but we understood that this was going to be the easiest for us for our reasons.

This is not some college buddy that we are talking about. This is my FI's brother and best friend. The issue is, he thinks we are not capable of planning something worth attending on our own. He heard from us that we wanted to do a destination wedding, and tried to take control. This goes deeper than the wedding. The wedding situation is what takes the cake and upset us the most.

It upset us the most because this is really important to us. This has not been easy. Having a destination wedding was not an easy decision. It works best for us though.

@TXbrideFW: weddings are stressful enough, and I'm not trying to upset you. It's just my personal opinion. In the case of the bride I knew she went to Mexico and paid for the resort and a relativerly small fee for the wedding.

However, she, like you, needed at least 80% of her guests to stay at the resort, or she couldn't have her wedding there ( which means that if 80% of the people she invited weren't willing to pay the thousands to go, they wouldn't be able to even have their wedding). In my opinion, yes, that is putting the cost of your wedding on your guest. When the average wedding is 20K and you're only paying 5 (just as an example) but it's mandatory that each of your guests (who are required to stay  or you cant get married there) have to pay 3K to go... you're putting the cost of your wedding on your very geneous guests.

Also, I'm all for weddings that dont have kids-but keep in mind that the average wedding that doesnt allow children, requires a sitter for a night, or overnight at best- not for days or a week potentially.

While I don't doubt that you are "forcing" anyone to go, I imagine that since they're your loved ones they will want to come. Which means although its a lot to pay they will pay it to be at your wedding. And if for some reason no-one was able to make your destination wedding I bet you'd be hurt.

Ultimately, and to the point, I think it's awful that your Fiance's brother is trying to get other people to leave the resort, which could result in you not being able to get married there, and he is awfully rude to think that it's ok to invite other people to your wedding.

That being said I do belive that he has every right to make the other days that he will be there a vacation for him and his family, if he's spending that kind of money. If he wants to bring his child, and has a babysitter, for while he is at the wedding he should be able to do this. Your primary concern should be that he's 100% focused on your wedding, on your day, and not turning your actual wedding day, into just a vacation with anyone he chooses to invite (which is sounds like he's doing).

 I hope you dont give him a hard time about the other days. Like you said, he's not a college buddy, he's family and just like he has to be respectful of your day, you have to respect whatever he decides to do with the rest of his time. That'd be like me getting upset at the people who didn't want to spend the day after or before my wedding with me, and away from family.

You are also very much within your rights to refuse to have uninvited guests at your wedding, and he should feel like the idiot when they can't come.

 @Lexy: worded it perfectly though. I hope all goes well.

You wrote: ( which means that if 80% of the people she invited weren't willing to pay the thousands to go, they wouldn't be able to even have their wedding).

--That is not how it works. We do not need 80% of people invited to attend our wedding. We need 80% of people actually attending the wedding to stay at the resort. So, it is no problem with FBIL to stay somewhere else. I know that he can, I get it. The problem comes when he invites his own people to actually attend our wedding and have them stay with him. The problem gets worse when he wants to recruit other guests/family members to stay with him as well. If that were to happen, we would still have our wedding. They would just not be able to attend. So, we do not need a certain number of people to stay at the resort to get married there. We need the guests to stay there so that THEY can attend the wedding.We can have 0 guests and still have our wedding. We just wouldn't do the welcome bonfire before and we wouldn't have a reception with dancing. It would just be the 2 of us.

I am not going to go back an forth with you because I don't really think you are understanding what my delima is. I think you are confusing my situation with your sister in law's little sister's wedding. What she had her guests pay, and the actual cost of the wedding is not the same as ours. You are taking this one idea that you have and applying it to our wedding.

Regardless, I find your post to be full of assumptions and redundant points. I don't think we are on the same page and I am going to agree to disagree. I appreciate your points and the time that you took to write them. I just didnt find them to be helpful in any way.

@TXbrideFW: I'm in a train, I mistyped. They needed 80% of their guests to stay at the resort. That's how the resort made their money. That's why they were able to keep their actual wedding costs so low.

Please don't work yourself up over little old me. I'm sure you have a million things to stress over. This is a blog. People have different opinions. I'm one opinion out of millions. Clearly my experience with dw's wasn't ideal. That doesnt take away from the main point, which I've said multiple times. 

He shouldn't detract from your day in anyway. What he does after is up to him. hopefully he realizes that your wedding is about you, and not him, and hopefully you realize that your wedding is only a day long.

I so hope everything works out for your day!

I think you're taking everything I say personal because I think that DWs are selfish (aside from me thinking it puts the costs on your guests...even if it's just the cost of attending-which isn't a small amount).

I used her as an example, but I see this is different, and i have no idea whatsoever as to how much you and your guests are paying, which is why I said it was just an example. Theres very little you can say to convince me that having people leave there children for upwards for a week, or spend more than the cost of a wedding gift, is ok. But that's my personal taste. I only said it in the 1st place, because if someone does choose to go to a DW you should feel honored, even if they are bringing family for a vacation, as long as it doesnt interfere with your day.

I'm sorry, that was actually really rude of me to say that your posts were not helpful. I appreciate that you took the time to write them and gave your opinions. I do not agree with all that you say, but they are your thoughts and that is fine with me.

I know that the babysitters cost. I just think, geez find a babysitter! They do it all the time. They have money to blow, they do that all the time too. lol. They have travelled the world over and do what they want when they want. As I said before, it really goes deeper than the wedding. Let me just tell you an example: My FI and I went on vaca with them a few years ago. We decided to leave the resort (that was a very expensive resort that they chose) in our rental car. It was supposed to be for a day trip to sightsee. Well, they knew where they were going. They took us to another hotel 3 hours away because they heard the spa was amazing! We got there at dark! We had no extra clothes, no bathingsuit, no nothing. It was so rude and inconsiderate of them to not even say, hey bring your extra money, bring your bathingsuit, we aren't coming back tonight. This hotel was like the 4 seasons! It was over 300 per night! We already had a hotel that we were paying for 3 hours away!!! So, we had to dish out 300 for the room, another 100 to eat at the only restaurant they had there. It was so expenisve. And i had to buy a bathingsuit that was 2 sizes too big and was over $100. I was in tears that night. I could not believe how selfish they were. That was one of the first experiences I had that left me to think they just don't care about what anyone else thinks. They do what they want.They literally acted like there was nothing wrong with it!

Another time, all my FI's family was in town. His mom wanted to make taco's and homeade rice and said she would teach me how. Ok, so they ALL agree (like 12 people) that they are coming to our house to have dinner. I make a list of all that I need, rush home from work, go spend $60 on all of the groceries. I get home and FI calls and says FBIL said they aren't coming over, he is grilling steaks for everone and we need to go over to his house. They all had agreed they would come over for tacos. He just didn't think our house was good enough, big enough, nice enough, or whatever. The food we were cooking wasn't good enough. So, we drive over there  (40 minutes away). And guess what! He changed his mind. He didn't feel like grilling so they all went to eat fast food. They didn't even call us to let us know.

This type of thing happens all of the time. These are not isolated incedents. That is my point. That is why this time, i am not going to bend over backward to accomadate them. That is why I will not pay the $100 entrance fee for them if they do not stay at the resort. My FI is really left hurt. Although he has the "right" to stay where he wants and bring who he wants (to mexico, not to our wedding), we just wish that they would *want* to spend the time with us since we are getting married. We would absolutely do it for them and we would never consider staying anywhere besides where his mom and other siblings are staying. So, although FBIL has the right to choose where he wants to stay, we just want him and his wife (without her fam) to be with us.

Anyway, I think I am done with this post. We will see how it all plays out and I will post an update. FI has talked ot his bro, he knows about the kids, he knows the cost, he knows 80% of wedding guests have to be at resort. He kows we are not moving our weddng venue to accommodate the 2 year old beacuase "she really likes the beach". He knows everything. What he chooses to do it going to be fine with us, although we may not love it! The rest of the FI's fam is staying at the resort with us, so we are very happy about that and very grateful. We cannot control FBIL's actions and what he chooses to do. If he stays at a differen place, we don't really care anymore. We just have to let it go and plan our wedding.

I just found out that 80% of our guests do NOT have to be guests of the resort. Ehhhh, I feel so stupid, but so releived at the same time. So so relieved! FBIL can stay where he wants and we will have no problems.

@TXbrideFW: I'm so glad that it worked out for you. He can be stupid anywhere he chooses and you can enjoy your day!

Ha! I do not even know what to think abou this. I have been stressing so much!! Ugh, Iguess I feel relieved!

That is correct. We love kids and especially the ones in our family. We don't really go to resorts anyway but we have a few times. It's just easier to do an all-inclusive for the wedding. We have no desire to vacation at a hotel where kids are staying, at least not for our wedding/honeymoon. There are quite a few places in Mexico that are adults-only. It's just a personal preference I guess.

Well, we had dinner with FBIL last night. I feel really sad about this entire situation. FI asked FBIL if they were renting a house. He said yes. That's fine. We expected this and are fine with this now. We understand that they can stay where they want to. FI asks who he is planning on taking with them. He says they are not sure yet. Fine. Then he says they are staying for a week and taking both children. One is 2years and one is 3 months. That's fine with us. But then FI askswig they have someone to watch the kids while they are at the wedding. He says not really. FI has told him about 7-8 times that this is an adults only resort and that we chose this resort for that reason. We don't want to spend the week around children. We especially don't want small children at the very small wedding. We want adults.abyway, he seriously played dumb and was saying, "oh really?! Even for the wedding?" I told his wife later in the evening that know children were allowed in the resort. She sOrr of smiled and I felt she almosalways laughing about it and said she knew that FBIL already told her. 

I don't know what to do. I feel like they are not taking us seriously. They have already invited 4 people to the wedding. I can deal with that although it is completely wrong. We have a limited budget and guest list. So those 4 people are adding to both. We are not even close with those 4 people and we honestly feel like they only want to come for the free meal and booze. 

Anyway, my main issue at this point is the children. I have a very real feeling that they will A) bring the children anyway and not get into the resort and miss our wedding. Or B) bring the children and get into the resort with them although they should not be allowed to bring them. I don't know what to do. I'm very sad because they are not respecting our wishes or the rules of our resort. It's not just that the resort doesn't allow children, we chose the resort for that reason. We really don't want the kids at the wedding or reception. We have made that clear so many times but i feel like they are using their selective hearing. I also feel that every time he pretends like he doesn't know there are no kinda allowed, it is a form of manipulation. He knows. He definately knows. The problem is that he does what he wants and does not care.

In desperate. Does anyone have any thoughts in this? I seriously don't know what to do or how to handle this. My heart is broken over this and spent all night crying because I feel so disrespected.

Sorry for the typos. In typing on my phone so some of the words came out wrong.