Post # 1
I’m happy that my cousin’s found someone who they want to spend their life with, but depressed that it’s him getting married and not me.
I’ve been with my SO almost 5 years, and he’s only known he’s fiance for 1.5 years. I’m not saying that’s not enough time to know, but it’s just upsetting to see people meet, get engaged, marry and fall pregnant in the time I’ve been waiting.
I know it’s jealousy. But I want my life to be like that. He’s only 18 months older than me, so it’s not as though he’s miles ahead in life.
Have any waiting bees had this happening? How did you cope with the sadness and jealousy?
Post # 3
While I’m not a waiting bee any longer, I’ve been there – many times! I promise, any girl that has had to wait for her SO to get his butt in gear has had the same feelings you are having. They are completely normal feelings. All of us have “that” friend who had everything fall perfectly into place quickly and easily while we watched from the sidelines wishing so badly that it was us. As hard as it is, try to just focus on your cousin for the day. Focus on his happiness and just having a great time and focus on the fact that you are one day closer to it being your turn! Enjoy a couple glasses of wine at the reception (but not so many glasses that you get the ugly cries about not being the one getting married ) and just have fun! This is the only time you get to celebrate his wedding with him and soon he will celebrate with you at yours
Post # 4
@Exie: I was at my lowest romantic point EVER when my best friend met her fiance, dated for like 8 months, got engaged and planned a wedding in 6 months that I was the maid of honor in. Not to mention that its going to be hard for me to concieve again and she got pregnant on the first try, they also bought a brand new house and moved to another state. All of this happened in a matter of 3 years. then there’s me, ten years later Im now married. But it took TEN YEARS, a lot of heartbreak, a child at a young age, and a whole lot of healing and hard work!!! So I know what I went through is not exactly the same but it’s definitely bittersweet when you see those close to you doing the things you want so badly for yourself. It’s such a happy time because of course you want your loved ones to be so very happy, but at the same time, you’re sad for yourself because you aren’t quite there yet but want to be so very badly. Chin up charlie! when it’s your time, it’s your time. Until then, enjoy being a part of the happiness that your loved ones are experiencing as much as you can. Have a small pity party for yourself and then buck up! 🙂 (but the pity party is totally allowed!)
Post # 5
Thanks girls. I will be happy for my cousin, for sure. And I will make sure to enjoy the night. I was fine with their wedding up until today (the day before). I guess it’s because now it’s real that someone else is getting what I want desperately.
But I know that all I can do is wait it out. It’ll happen for us eventually, I just have a few bumps to get over first, like finishing my degree.
I think also what is affecting my mood is that his parents are the type to show off a bit, I guess. So I know for years, I’ll be hearing from them “We’re so lucky that ____ was the first to get married in the family!”. Not that they’re trying to put me down, but yeah. And I feel guilty about being jealous, because I know it’s not necessary – everyone does things at different speeds!
Anyway, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I guess it’s becaue I haven’t been to a wedding since I was 8, so I’ve never had to deal with these emotions before!
Post # 6
Yup, I had that happen all the time when I was waiting. I was also in two weddings while I was waiting and the jealousy monster reared its head a few times. The days before the wedding I was a bit bummed and jealous but once I actually got there I was so happy for them and had so much fun that the jealousy disappeared. Just focus on having fun tomorrow 😀
Post # 7
@Exie: Yes, my SO’s cousin is getting married at the end of the month. They’ve met, dated, gotten a house together, gotten engaged, and now are getting married, and this has all been within the last 3 or 4 years; we’ve been together for 4 1/2. Now, I suspect the ring is in the house now, so I don’t think I’ll be waiting longer than a few months at this point (and I’m excited about that for sure!), but it sure is weird and irritating when other people’s relationships have visibly gone so much more quickly than yours. I try not to do this, but when I’m feeling cynical I wonder why my relationship has been progressing so much more slowly than other peoples’.
Ultimately, the only thing to say is that old piece of worn-out consolation about how ‘everyone has their own timeline.’
I get very tired of hearing that one, which is why I said it that way, but it is true and though it takes work to believe that you’ll be next (probably/hopefully), that is likely, you know?
Try to have as much fun as you can and be happy for them. Is your SO going to the wedding too? Because if he is, maybe it will jump-start something in his head. 🙂
Post # 8
I know, it sucks.
But try not to compare apples to oranges – every relationship is different.
I like to remind myself that everything happens for a reason (I don’t believe in destiny so to speak, but just about everything that happens to you has the opportunity to make you a stronger, better person)
It’s easier to be more concerned about the food at the weddings I attend… helps to keep me distracted! (Is there bruscetta? Is there… BACON??)
Also, will there be bubbles? Glow sticks? Balloons?
I am obviously a small child in disguise.
Post # 9
@MrsBeck: I’m sure that will be the case for me too. I didn’t think too much about it until today, so it’s probably just a moment of pity for myself!
@Creiddylad: Yeah, it just seems upsetting when they’ve done 4x more than us, but we’ve been together 4x longer. But I know, everyone does have a different timeline. It also comes down to the fact that SO and I met when he was 16 and I was 18, whereas my cousin and his FI were 22 and 23. So they already had a lot of their lives underway when they met, whereas when SO and I met, he was in high school and I’d just finished.
Post # 10
@Exie: I’m going to try and put a silver lining on this for you 🙂
I’m engaged now, but all through my 20s I was either completely single or in terrible relationships. While I was going through dating hell, I watched as each of my dearest friends found a nice man and got married (with me as a bridesmaid), leaving me feeling very alone and yes, jealous. Of course I wished it was me, and playing the happy bridesmaid was difficult at times. Here my friends were, embarking on their perfect lives and getting married–while not ONCE did I bring a date to a wedding, because I either didn’t have one, or because I couldn’t bring the guy I *was* dating because he was too volatile.
All I wished for all that time was to find the right guy. I wasn’t wishing for a wedding or even to be married necessarily–I just wanted to settle down, be done with dating, done with having my heart broken, and spend time with the man who would love me as much as I loved him.
You *HAVE* that guy. It might take him longer to propose than you would like, but from someone who struggled with even finding that guy, I can tell you how special and how precious it is that you’ve found him. I would have loved to have been in your shoes 5 years ago, and there are many women out there who would love to be in your shoes right now.
As for the jealousy thing, one thing I’ve learned is that it’s pointless to be jealous. No one’s relationship is perfect. And those married couples you think have it so great–they have their own struggles, and they have to work at things, too. Some of the couples I was once jealous of have since struggled with divorce, with infidelity, among other issues.
Getting married isn’t necessarily a happy ending and it doesn’t make a relationship “better” than it was to begin with–meaning a married couple’s relationship isn’t any better than yours just because they happen to be married. Being married isn’t a singular mark of commitment or love. Your cousin doesn’t love his wife any more than your boyfriend loves you. They’re just on a different timeline.
Post # 11
@LilySarah: Thank you for that perspective. I never really gave a thought to the fact that others would want MY timeline, or what I have, but I see that would be true. Having you point that out has made me realise how extremely lucky I am to have what I do have with my SO and I actually feel heaps better now. Thank you so much!
Post # 12
@Exie: Oh girl, I went through the same thing recently. The manfriend and I are saving money for a house and a ring, so our plans are delayed a bit. One of my dearest friends is on the brink of getting engaged AND buying a house with her man. Matter of fact, the house she might buy is actually a house I have fallen in love with. So, I know how you feel. I focused on what I DO have instead of what I WANT to have. I have a man that loves me, I have a roof over my head, etc. That helped quell the jealously down a bit. *hugs*
Post # 13
@MissAEM: We’re doing the same thing – I’m studying, he’s working, and we’re trying to save for a ring, two cars and a house, which is why it’s delayed.
But I know that I need to focus on the now in our relationship, rather than what I want in the future. It is the now that makes the future after all!
I will have a good day tomorrow. I’ll be there with my SO and family, and I’ll be happy to see my cousin marry his FI because he deserves that happiness.
Post # 14
@LilySarah: +1. every time i get said about still waiting i remind myself that at least I have found the person i want to spend my life with, and who wants to spend his life with me. So many single girls my age are still years from being where we are!
Post # 15
I totally understand. SO is now used to me being grumpy towards him every time a friend gets engaged. It’s not that I’m not happy for other people, just ready and waiting for my own show to get on the road.
just last week a good friend got engaged, it was extra hard on me since she was my “waiting twin” both of our SOs have the same name and occupation and similar personalities. they both took us ring shopping around the same time. My friend and i got our ring sized together. We were on the same boat and now she has her ring and I am still waiting. It’s easy to feel like the last woman standing! Especially when you have been with your SO longer than the people around you getting engaged.
Chin up! Just know when you’re time comes, you won’t even rember all the waiting!
Post # 16
@Exie: When I was waiting for life to happen, I was wasting time. Do things that make you happy and stop worrying about things you can’t control. You can’t control who will be in your life (to an extent), you can’t control when your SO will be ready for marriage and, really, you can’t have full control over becoming pregnant. I had to come to terms with this as I waited for the right man until I was 28 while everyone else got married and had babies. It is a waste of time to focus on things you can’t change so focus on the things you can instead.