Post # 1
i feel really sad I got married over a year ago, before my husband I dated one other person. I have always been fat and before I met my husband I lost significant amount of weight. Even the times I was fat I never once felt ugly or ashamed of myself. My husband and I have lots of issues I feel we are not compatible at all we hardly talk to each other and we fight so much.
My husband will often attack me on how ugly and fat I was and how I should be so lucky to have in my life. I find it very demeaning when he says that to me. In fact he thinks since i am average looking i do not deserve to be fawned over or have him show much affection to me and had i been better looking or way out of his league he would have treated me better. I am shocked that someone can think like this.He has a really bad temper which i did not realise before we got married and sometimes we get into bad physical fights I try to fight back but it usually ends up me being whacked and tears on my side since I’m not as physically strong. He will feel bad after the fight and apologies but it’s happened so many times for it to be considered sincere.
I also make more money than him which he is v insecure about if I am getting promoted or I tell him something good happened to me at work he will find some way to belittle me or insult me. I knew that he makes less money than me butus really thought he was a good forward thinking person so I didn’t think it bothered him at all and neither did I care about it.
We hardly talk and I really dread the weekends since he will continuously fight with me on the weekends and he refuses to do anything I suggest and if we do go out even to a simple thing as alace I would like to eat he will make a big deal of it and if the fodo sucks ther will be another big fight. The only time he is happy is if we ar eating at a place he wants to eat at.he was not like this before we got married he just has become so mean and hurtful now and more and more as day passes I am starting to hate him. I just feel so incredibly sad I don’tknow what to do.
The last thing is that we haven’t had sex either, when we got married we were very eager to try but since I’ve never done it but every time we would try it would hurt me and sensing my discomfort he would stop and now none of us initiates it. I know this is not normal but I’m rally embarrassed to discuss this with anyone.
I don’t know what to do have been thinking of divorce but I am scared of it andmakes me just feel I’m just not loveable
Just needed to get this out. Thank you for reading
Post # 3
@Messedup2012: I just want to say that no matter what you look like or how you act you are beautiful and worth something. Never let anyone else define you. It doesn’t matter who your husband was before you married, if who he is now can’t treat you well he doesn’t deserve you.
Put on the beyonce and send him to the left. You have to be the first to know your worth and love you for you. The rest will follow.
Post # 4
The way he treats you has nothing to do with what you look like or what you deserve. His behaviour is abusive amd you need to leave him. He’s only going to get worse. If your paycheck doesn’t already go to an account that only you control, open one and start putting it there. Tell your friends and family what is going on so that they can help support you. And then get the hell out.
Post # 5
I am sorry you are going through this stress by a controlling husband who is not happy with himself. I think you know what you have to do this man doesnt love you and neither one of you took the time to really get to know one another. You had red flags that you choose to ignore and now they are beyond red flags they are flashing lights.
We women get so caught up with the idea of marriage that we dont stop and think that it is not important who asked but whether or not this person loves me unconditionally. Whether I am considered fat, bald, toothless, etc will they be there?
Unconditional means no matter what…If someone can tell you that you are not good enough to be treated better because you dont look a certain way is a total deal breaker. Loving someone has nothing to do with looks it has to do with your inner beauty.
My Fiance thinks I am stunning it may not be what society thinks I am but what is important is that is how he sees me. I have qualities that exceed his prior relationship and to him I am his whole package.
PLEASE PACK YOUR THINGS AND MOVE OUT…Call a friend/family and tell them what you are dealing with and you need a soft place to land during your transition from married to single.
Post # 6
Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please reach out to friends and family in RL and tell someone what’s going on. I think you need to start planning an exit immediately. Normally I’d suggest therapy or a temp separation, but if he has put his hands on you AND belittles you/doesn’t value you, and you’re the primary breadwinner – move on. You are worthy Of love. You are beautiful – anyone who tells you differently is lying and doesn’t deserve you. Good luck and surround yourself with people who see your value to help you make the difficult step of leaving him.
Post # 7
I am sorry to hear about this, you husband is abusive and controlling. You don’t deserve this kind of behavior and treatment from anyone especially your husband. And if he is being physically abusive, you should file a police report…assault is assault no matter what way you look at it. I agree with PP that if you have separate account, start funneling money into that account for yourself. Talk to your parents, a family member, or a close friend about what is going on. I would try and see if one of them would be willing to let you stay with them until you get back on your feet. His behavior has nothing to do with you, he feels like he needs to be in control and he is going to do that to any woman he is involved with you whether he is with you or someone else. You deserve unconditional love, respect, and care and this man is not giving you any of those. For the sake of your own safety, leave as soon as you can. And take legal action if necessary especially if he is putting his hands on you. And after the fact, I would seek counseling also because it sounds like you are pretty shaken up by all of this. Stay safe and get the hell out of there!
Post # 8
@Messedup2012: Your post made me so sad. Please don’t EVER wonder if you are worthy of being loved and treated with respect and dignity. From your writing I can tell that you are a sweet and intelligent person — don’t let anyone tell you differently!
But now on to your husband. I’m so sorry to hear about how your situation has become. I wish I could pass you a magic wand to make everything all better, but the reality is that there are two different things in life: things we CAN control, and things we CAN’T. In this situation, you CAN’T control your husband. If he has decided to treat you poorly (and he has) and that you are not worthy of love and respect, that is HIS decision. The only thing you CAN decide is if you are willing to put up with this abuse for the rest of your life.
And please consider: If he feels justified in judging your appearance NOW, when you’re YOUNG, do you really want to know what he’s going to be like as you get OLDER?
You are better than this. You deserve NONE of this abuse. As you decide what to do (of the things you CAN control), please don’t forget that you are a strong, beautiful, smart woman and you deserve to be in a safe and uplifing place.
Post # 9
Your husband is abusing you, verbally, emotionally and physically. When he puts his hands on you, the police need to be called.
Are there any domestic violence centers near you? They can help you put a safe escape plan together. Or you can call the DV hotline http://www.thehotline.org/, 1-800-799-SAFE.
Getting out is your only option with an abuser like your husband. You can’t fix him and he won’t change.
Please use the resources that are out there available to you. Get out while you still can.
Post # 10
Why are you still with him? (I’m asking seriously) What is the worst thing that could happen if you left him?
Post # 11
Thank you very much everyone. I feel a little more sane after hearing your comments.
I know many of my reasons of continuing in this are quite unreasonable. For one nobody in my family ever has gotten divorced. Many of my colleagues attended my wedding and I can’t face going to work everyday after that. Also religiously its not looked good upon to divorcE. i i I also dont want to stress out my mom who has heart issues. And even though I know physical abuse is the worst( according to him it’s only if your slapped in the face then ias physical abuse which at least for now he has not done) . I think about the good moments we have had and feel scared if I’ll find someone . I am 31 and was single for a long time, I could not marry outside my religion of which there so few eligible people and I really believe I will not get married again. I think he knows this and he too has family pressures so for him too divorce is a last option.I feel he is so gentle to his friends his family his colleagues but at home he is totally someone else. Why does he have to be like this with me. His family wouldn’t believe me if I told them
We were setup by our parents and dated for two years before getting married he moved away from his hometown to live with me but nearly every week I have to hear on how he hates it here and if we don’t move back in a year he’s going to go without me I almost feel like waiting to that point and never joining him there. I know it’s terrible to say that but i do feel it sometimes.
I don’t know what I am going to do now but I really appreciate everyone’s advice and need to think about what to do
Post # 12
@Messedup2012: This is so unhealthy. If you can’t find the strength to leave at the very least get into counseling. You deserve better.
Post # 13
@Messedup2012: *HUGS* It sounds like divorce really isn’t an option for you. Obviously, I don’t recommend you stay in an abusive relationship, but in your case you may want to try counseling first. I’m not sure what the restricitons of your religion are, but maybe counseling would help him see how hurtful he is being towards you. The fact that your Darling Husband thinks someone has to have a certain level of attractiveness to be fawned over is a bit appalling. You absolutely deserve to be loved.
Post # 14
Please contact a therapist that works with abuse victims. Read the first question on this:
I don’t think your God would want you to be in such a horrible situation just in the name of marriage.
Post # 15
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
I couldn’t read it all, it made me want to cry.
If he says bad things about you and you get into physical fights, it’s time to leave.
I encourage you to speak with your mother, sister, friend, grandmother, or a counselor about your plan to get out and how you will deal with it when he reacts. I would go someplace he wouldn’t think to look for you, just in case he starts to feel violent.
My SO is a police officer, and the #1 call in many places is for domestic violence. He feels very strongly that NOBODY should hit their SO, regardless of gender. It makes me sad that you have been in this environment for so long.
After you make your plan to get out and have done it, I encourage you to speak with a counselor about rebuilding your life and becoming the WHOLE, BEAUTIFUL woman I know you are.
Post # 16
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
@Messedup2012: I know divorce sounds awful. But I want you to ask yourself the following:
What is more important? My self-respect, or worrying about the stigma?
I hope the very best for you, and I hope that you can see that this relationship is not healthy. For me, once it gets to the point of physical abuse, there is no way you can fully trust him ever again. If my SO hit me, I would leave immediately. Yes, I would feel sad, because this is a man that I truly love. But nobody who truly loves you can strike you.