Post # 1
I have been going out with by BF for almost 7 years. For the first two years we were long distance and we have lived together for the past 2 years.
Towards the begining of the relationship my BF brought up the topic of children and that he always wanted them but was not sure about marriage. I told him (at the time) that marriage was extremely important to me and the only ever consider having children when I was married.
His response is that oh such and such had two kids and they are not married. I then point out to him that I will live my own life not someone else’s.
The first year of living together was great and I thought that once I had managed to prise him out of his parents house he would see how great living together is great and does not cramp a person’s style.
However, over the past year I am becoming increasly bitter and angry towards by boyfriend as I am now 32 and still there is no proposal or serious talk or marriage. He wont even talk about marriage at all and immediately shuts down down any conversation.
In the past few months I have felt myself becoming increasingly distant from him and almost mourning the loss of the relationship. The reason I can’t leave him now is that I need to save up the money to rent another place and as have no family i can stay with. I have a walk date of March in my head.
I want to be happy for all my firends who are getting married or having babies but every time there is some happy news I just feel more angry, bitter and resentful towards by BF.
On Saturday, he announced that his very anti marriage friend had whisked his GF away to NY to get married (they had been dating for less than a year). I later broke down in tears which caused by BF to have another sulk-a-thon.
I decided to deliberately avoid discussing any contentious topics as I could not cope with getting upset again. Then out of the blue he starts talking about babies and how he is the only one who can carry on the family name. I point out to him that a) we are not married so there will be no babies, and b) if I did find out I was pregnant tomorrow the baby would have my surname as we are not married. He then started ranting and I calmly pointed out to him that as we are not married he does not legally have any say in what I woud name my children. He is now sulking and has not spoken to me since!
It makes me so sad to see a relationship slowly crumble away due to a lack of commitment.
Post # 3
I think you know what you need to do ):
Post # 4
Unfortunately, I agree with @nikix.
Post # 5
I, too, agree with @nikix. You need to do what is best for you. You have already been with this guy for 7 years and he has not changed his mind. I’m sorry you are going through this 🙁
Post # 6
If getting married is THAT important to you and not getting married is THAT important to him, you guys are not meant for eachother. I also think it speaks volumes that he can’t sit down and have a normal, adult conversation about his thoughts and feelings on the topic. Has he ever given you a valid reason for not wanting to get married?
Post # 10
I’m so, so sorry but it seems like you’ve already made your mind up and you know deep down that he doesn’t share your vision for the future. It’s so hard to come to that conclusion – I’ve been there. My ex-FI didn’t really want the same things I did, but went along with what I wanted just to go along. Finally, when he told me he didn’t know what he wanted and he definitely wasn’t ready for marriage or a family now – maybe ever – it was devastating, but I’m SO happy now. And you will be, too.
I know leaving is hard. But it’s going to be so good for you, especially when you meet a man who does want to start a family and a marriage with you. *hug* Be strong, you can do this. Any man who sulks after 7 years together when marriage is brought up is NOT a man you want to try starting a life and a family with.
Post # 11
@Purplefurrydice: You’ve spent (perhaps wasted) enough of your time on this relationship – it’s time to move on and find someone who wants the same things in life that you do. I wish you all the best!
Post # 12
Ugh, what a tough situation, I’m so sorry! If you are going to walk, I would make it very very clear to him so he knows that you’re serious. I wouldn’t do it behind his back thinking maybe he’ll coincidentally propose before you go. I would rationally explain it all to him, tell him you love him but you can’t stay with him if you aren’t getting married, tell him he has a month to think about it, and stick to your guns. Good luck!
Post # 13
What annoys me is that when I made myself clear, had he made himself clear and told me that he didn’t believe in marriage I would have known where I stood.
12 months ago marriage was going to be ‘soon’ and at various times he has told me we do not have enough money. I then ask him if we need to a) go into town and open a savings account so we can start saving or b) I point out that it can cost as little as £400 to get married.
Unfortunately last year my father died and the funeral cost £3000 so I need to save up money to leave.
I think he knows that if he did tell me he never wanted to get married I would end the relationship there and then, which is why he doesn’t say this.
Post # 14
I think if he were willing to discuss it and explain his fears or seek counseling or something I would be a little more understanding, but sulking and not willing to discuss things doesn’t really sound ideal. I know how badly this must hurt you, and I truly am sorry. Trust that you will find someone who is worth your time, and don’t give up on your desire to get married. If it might be helpful, feel free to PM me. Sending lots of girl strength your way in the mean time!
Post # 15
I agree with the PP here. You’ve invested a lot of your life into this relationship, but he’s asking you to compromise on one of your dreams (getting married) while still wanting you to allow one of his dreams (having children). Not only is this incredibly unfair, but also it shows that you are on totally different pages in terms of how you view family and your worldview.
You mentioned a March walk-date. What would keep you from walking, or have you begun to map out your responses if he tries to talk you out of it?
I’m sorry OP.
Post # 16
Sorry, but you sound like your mind is made up. If that’s something that’s so important to you and he’s not willing to oblige after 7 years, you have to let him go.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. (((hugs)))