- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Dear Weddingbee--
I am getting married on May 23 and I have 4 bridesmaids, none of whom are local. I have just found out that they are not planning to host a shower for me before the wedding. As far as I can tell, my maid of honor is falling down in her duties and everyone else is following suit.
Am I wrong to feel hurt and upset? I know that the bridesmaids arent OBLIGED to throw the bride a shower, but still. I am totally sad that I am not going to have the chance to celebrate my wedding with the important women in my life. For me, it isn't about the gifts, it is about the chance to spend time with women I respect and admire and get their wisdom for a successful married life.
So, hive, lay it on me. Do I have any right to be upset?
LB2009
I'm sorry :( Although I hate to admit it, I'd be upset too. Can you talk to them, your mother, or other women in your life to see why? Maybe they don't realize they are supposed to do it, or that it means a lot to you. Perhaps they can put something small together.
You can't help how you feel. I"m sorry that you are so upset.
Does your bridal party know how you feel about having a shower, or in this case, not having one? Maybe they are unaware and of it and may be willing to make amends.
My bridesmaids aren't hosting a shower for me either. They all live out of state, which makes things really difficult for them.
I was disappointed at first, but I've come to terms with it. It's just really hard when everyone lives in different locations. :)
Is anyone else hosting a shower for you? An aunt or someone like that? My aunt is throwing one for me, which will be mostly family, and then my bridesmaids are throwing me a bachelorette party. Maybe you could do a combined shower/bachelorette party with yours so you still get that time with them.
Yeah...I think you need to talk to your bridal party about this, or at least the one you feel closest to. I would feel really upset if I found out I wasn't having a shower...this is your one chance to do it and you want one! Maybe they don't know how important it is to you?
I can understand being upset. All but one of my BP members (+ my sis) is not local to the wedding, and none live near me. I never really expected a shower from them b/c it would be expensive and difficult to plan. But my Mom's friend is throwing a shower for me (and mostly my Mom's friends). This is traditional amongst their friends. My sister also wants to host something, so she's planning on a tea where my local BM, some women who are close to me, and my BFF/MOH attend. I know these are sort of specific events to my situation, but is there anyone local who can host an event that might allow you to have the celebration you want?
And if you're not planning it already, I definitely recommend a BP luncheon before the RD to give you a chance to enjoy time with your girlfriends.
Thanks, ladies. Unless there's a secret shower in the works, it looks like I'm not having one. Very sad.
I understand that it is difficult, expensive, hard to coordinate, but I can't imagine a scenario where I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and didn't MAKE SURE there was going to be a shower. My maid of honor still lives in the town we grew up in, and she could relatively easily throw a shower for me and my close friends and relatives that live there. But, she basically said she didn't think it was "worth it" because my family is so cheap and I wouldn't get any nice gifts. That, unfortunatley, just made me sadder because for me it isn't about gifts.
Now my MOH is saying (at least to the other bridesmaids) that she wants to have a
"shower" when they all get there for the wedding. But IMHO that's not really a shower, and I was planning on having a bridesmaid luncheon anyhow...
I think it is ok to feel like you do but please try to remember that you choose these women to stand up with you on your wedding day. Although all those fun extras have come to be standard they are not mandatory. With the economy the way it is everyone has had to make cut backs. You mentioned that none of our bridesmaids are local and i am guessing they have to travel for your wedding which most of the time involves paying for travel, time off work, lodging, and food. This is on top of buying a bridesmaid dress, shoes, getting their hair and makeup done, bachelorette party, wedding gift, etc. This all adds up. You state that you just want to spend time with them but if it is a shower setting even if they don't get a gift they need to pay for food, drink, decoration and maybe even a location to host the bridal shower which also adds up. If you want to spend time with all these women throw a tea party and invite them all over and make it about thanking them for their support thus far and that you are excited about your future as friends together. Try not to feel that upset but just know that you chose these women because you cared about them and they aren't falling down on their duties because as long as they are supporting you and your relationship IMHO they are doing their job.
I'm sorry. I would feel hurt as well. I know it's not a requirement, but come on.. It's like saying a gift is optional for the wedding. Certain things are understood.I'm curious where your family is in this??? You haven't mentioned your mom. What about some aunts? I would think this is the type of situation that makes family host bridal showers. How does your MOH know your famiy is cheap? Did she try to get something together with them adn got turned down?
Do you feel it is a real possiblity that you are getting a surprise shower? After the comment about your cheap family, and the fact that the girls are OOT, I'm not sure I'd expect it either. But I don't know.
I would rather see your mom or aunt ask the BP about the shower, or offer to host. I personally couldn't see myself asking my BP to throw a shower for me. Then they'd feel obligated but without the joy.
And what about the girls having the shower when they come into town? I know it's not ideal, but they all probably want to be there. And less than desirable timing is one of those hazards when the BMs are OOT.
Do you have other friends or relatives that will pick up the slack? I now etiquette says family are not supposed to host the shower, but very few people abide by that rule.
Talk to your mom- maybe she and your aunts or some family friends will host.
I think it would terrible to miss that and I'd be crushed.
I second rosychicklet. Talk to your mom or FMIL or another family member and just let them know it is something you want. In my area, everyone's shower is thrown at least in part by family of the bride. I never expected my girls to take on complete responsibility for throwing/scheduling/paying for my shower. My mom knew it was something we would do and she and my MOH have planned it together (my mom picks up the tab but my MOH - and a few BMs- have helped with the details, picking out favors and invites.) My MOH put her name on the RSVP and will handle that portion. You don't actually have to spell out on the invite who is 'hosting' the event. As long as at least one of your BMs or close friends can make it and help with the gifts and whatnot, no one will think twice about who's footing the bill. If it is something you really want, it can certainly be done. This seems especially easy to me if you are doing a shower at a restaurant or someplace, as opposed to someone's house, because that person is automatically assumed to be the host.
I'd be really sad too. I agree you should check with your mom or a close relative and explain how you feel and see if perhaps they will host. I bet if your family knew you will be upset by this, they will step up to the plate!
hair_pins.jpg (94.2 KB, 25 downloads) 1 year old
I am in the same boat. My MOH is in Hawaii, the other three bridesmaids are in Kansas, LA, and Chicago. I live in Iowa and my closest friend besides my fiance is an hour away. I won't be getting any showers. I have spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself It's been especially bad when people like my sister who is a bridesmaid has said time and again I need a shower yet done nothing about it. I'm trying to look at it that lots of my friends and family are traveling to the middle of nowhere just for me. I only get that weekend but I can't ask them to do more than that. The girls are all coming into town on the Thursday for a bach. party and there's tallk that maybe Friday morning there will be an inpromtu shower but I don't have high hopes. Maybe you can talk to your girls about having a lunch or something the day or two before if travel would be an issue..
111773_IMG_1953_JPG.jpg (48.8 KB, 23 downloads) 1 year old 111772_IMG_1951_JPG.jpg (52.1 KB, 25 downloads) 1 year old 
I know how you feel. I'm not having a bridal party, but no one else is having any sort of shower for me. I didn't think I'd care, but I'm a bit sad. :( I asked my mother (since she originally had mentioned she thought someone would throw one) and her response was "oh well there's palm sunday and Easter and school vacation coming up so I can't imagine anyone will have time to do anything." (note: my wedding is in June and we've been engaged for over a year now :P)
Then again, very few people have been interested in celebrating our wedding, so it shouldn't surprise me. We didn't get one card or anything when we got engaged. No one disapproves either, they're just...uninterested. So yes, I totally identify and it's absolutely something you can feel bummed about.
style_V003_.JPG (93 KB, 21 downloads) 1 year old style_050_c.JPG (88 KB, 22 downloads) 1 year old style_004_a.JPG (95.8 KB, 23 downloads) 1 year old 1006070084.JPG (97.2 KB, 24 downloads) 1 year old 1006070082.JPG (58.8 KB, 28 downloads) 1 year old 1006070032.JPG (95.9 KB, 25 downloads) 1 year old
Whoa! I think that your MOH saying that it wouldn't be "worth" it is completely rude! I also think that saying your family is cheap is also very rude and tactless. What wouldn't it be worth? Is she saying it wouldn't be worth her time and money because she doesn't feel you would get anything that would live up to her standard as a wedding gift? Maybe she should realize that not everyone can afford to spend outrageous amounts of money on a gift. But as far as I'm concerned it's not the price of the gift, it's the spirit in which it was given. Maybe you should be so kind to point that out to her. If all you want are the important women in your life to come together and not a huge to-do then I don't see a reason why she wouldn't do it. She should feel HONORED to be the once chosen to be your MOH and want to make the wedding and ALL the things that go with it very special for you. In my opinion when someone chooses you to take part in their very special day you should take responsibility for all that encompasses...not just showing up in a pretty dress on the day of.
13_7_EyeletGuestBook_thumb.jpg (4.8 KB, 28 downloads) 1 year old 
My BMs live in DC and I live in CA. So I automatically assumed they wouldn't be able to plan a shower, especially considering how tight money is these days. If I lived in the same area as my BMs I'm positive that they'd be thrilled to throw me a shower so that's why it doesn't upset me too much. But if my friends just didn't feel like planning anything then I'd probably be pretty offended.
PS -- if my MOH said that throwing me a shower isn't "worth it" I would question whether I should have made her as my MOH in the first place. What an insult!
I actually didn't know that the BMs were supposed to do a shower. I always thought it was more of an older female family member's job. My Aunt threw mine.
Is your MOH having a bachelorette party for you? Because I think if she is you might be asking a bit much, frankly.
PP6253.jpg (84.5 KB, 72 downloads) 1 year old 4194.b03.jpg.resize.jpg (25.8 KB, 60 downloads) 1 year old 
Mine are not throwing me one either b/c we're all in different states too. We've actually only had (and will have) one shower total. I was a little sad about it, but we live in a different state than the wedding and where most people live. It does suck, but it is what it is. I just keep thinking that maybe people will buy us nicer gifts since they didn't have to buy us a shower gift too! :)
I would be disappointed too, but I agree, if she is hosting a bachelorette party then that "counts" as her duty there. I hope you feel better soon!
I'd feel pretty hurt too, you just can't help it. It's extremely hard when everyone's in a different location. I may have to go through this when we start our planning. My FH and I may be moving! But I definitely like Miss Powder Puff's idea. Maybe you guys can make it a shower/bachelorette party! Double the fun!
bow.jpg (23.4 KB, 21 downloads) 1 year old 
I don't really think you have a reason to be sad- they are traveling to you to participate in your wedding that's a huge expense in itself.
If you really want a shower see if a family member would like to host one- it does not have to be your MOH or bridesmaids.
You def. have a right to be sad. I have 6 bridesmaids all of who are out of area. but, my FMIL is putting together the bridal shower (kind of Jump starting the process) and they are all contributing. this may be an idea for you as well
You can't help how you feel. I would be sad too. However its best not to make them feel bad about it. Times are tough and when you live out of state its easy to assume someone else will take care of the shower. I hope you have someone else (mother, aunt, co-worker, friend, etc) who will step in.
Of course you have a right to be upset and well for me to put it bluntly I'd be majorly pissed. I'm in KY and all my bridesmaids are in VA. My MOH is hosting a family shower for me Easter weekend which will be the last time I'm in VA before the wedding. Even though we're getting married in September and we barely have anything on our registries I'm so excited for a bridal shower. It will just be family as my friends live in KY too, but I'm so excited. I will say my mom is good friends with my MOH too and prodded her a bit to get this off the ground. Some of my friends may throw me a shower in KY over the summer, but if they don't I'm ok with that because I'm not a big bridal shower fan in the first place. I understand the expense of asking people to be in your wedding party and come to a different state, but really these ladies could have said no if they thought they couldn't afford it. To me it's not an excuse to slack on what friends do for each other. I'm sorry, but don't feel as if you've done anything wrong in being hurt by the turn of events.
THROW YOUR OWN SHOWER! My bridesmaids did not throw me a shower, so I planned and gave myself a shower. They felt guilty toward the end (not by my doing, because I just was all about doing what I wanted to do with the shower and enjoyed it) and actually contributed some during the final days before the shower. So, I say, THROW YOUR OWN!!!! If it's not about the presents, just pick a Saturday or Sunday and have a nice brunch or dinner at your home in honor of the important women in your life. THROW YOUR OWN!!! I'm sure you can find many man ideas from Weddingbee.
Thank_You_Parasol.jpg (15.3 KB, 23 downloads) 1 year old 
See if you can find a close friend or relative to throw you a shower. I think the rule about immediate family members not throwing showers has fallen by the wayside, but IMO it's still not appropriate to throw your own.
Sorry this is happening. It's too bad that they all live far away and I understand it's probably a financial burden to travel twice...once for a shower and then again for the wedding. Maybe mention it to a friend or family member that lives close by? It doesn't necessarily have to be your bridesmaids who throw the shower. I have to disgree with the above comment though about throwing your own shower.....I think it's a great idea to throw a party to celebrate with all the important women in your life, but I don't really think you can call it a shower. Just seems a little wrong to me. But that just my opinion...to each his own!
I think you have reason to be sad - I am sad for the same reason. I love my girls to death, but only 2 of them "get it" and they live 3000, and 5000 MILES away! My MOH, who lives in our hometown where the wedding will be held is flaking out around every corner and seems to have no idea that really, she was supposed to have done this or that or just support even! I emphathize and encourage you to talk to her/them to let them know. For now, they may think you are just being a b*zilla, but hopefully someday they will get it.
il_430xN_135756115.jpg (49.9 KB, 10 downloads) 1 year old il_430xN_145259943.jpg (36.1 KB, 8 downloads) 1 year old 
I'm sorry, LB. You can't help but feel down... I know I probably would, too. For the sake of your relationship with your maid of honor, you might want to find a good way to communicate your feelings to her. Despite the miles, she should be willing to support you during this whole process... not make you feel sad or slighted. She may not know that a shower is important to you.
I decided from the start that I wanted a small bridal party, so aside from a gaggle of neices and cousins' children who will lead the way, I really only have my sister as an adult attendant. With me in FL and her in NC (and most of our guests from out of town), it really isn't possible for her to host a shower in advance of the wedding. So she and my mom are planning one for the afternoon on the day before the wedding. I can't tell you how nervous I am about how tight the schedule is going to be that day, with the rehearsal and dinner almost immediately following. But I know that it's all in love, and as you say, about being with the women that mean the most to me.
So, with that in mind, maybe your MOH/BMs (or a female relative or close friend) would be open to hosting a bridal tea or brunch a day or two before your main event. I know it isn't ideal, but it would provide you with the time that you desire!
tur1.jpg (43 KB, 26 downloads) 1 year old
Wow -- I can't believe everyone who said that they took the initiative to set up the shower -- as a bridesmaid! I've been a bridesmaid 3 times and for all of them I absolutely considered it part of my duties to show up (and I was out of town for all 3) -- but certainly not to plan the thing. For my own wedding I'm planning my own shower and then have asked a friend to "host" it (in name only) in NYC (where I live) and my mother is insisting on hosting the Cleveland shower (which is where I'm from and where the wedding will be). (My brother is my man of honor, and I have no bridesmaids.)
I'd say, take a look at your calendar and see when you want the shower to be, and then throw out the dates to your MoH for her thoughts on it. I'd be shocked if she says something like, "oh, yeah, maybe other people will come but I'm too busy for it" or anything like that.
Give her an idea of what her responsibilities are for this -- decorating? baking? liquor? paying for all of this?
Maybe I'm just totally crazy -- just seriously never knew the MoH was supposed to take the initiative.
Just reread the thread and realized I missed the comment from your MoH about it not being "worth it." Wow -- so sorry about that.
I'd say, figure out if you want her to "host it," and then throw it yourself. If you don't want her to host it then find someone else to do it, as oher suggested -- your mother, aunts, FMIL, etc.
My mom threw me my bridal shower, not my bridesmaids. They were far-flung and so it just wasn't going to happen. I'm sorry it looks like you're not getting one....I would try to plan your own or ask another family member to throw one for you. The comment about it not being "worth" it though is really rude. I'm sorry that happened to you :(
LB, i know EXACTLY how you feel. What makes me sad is that all of my ladies ARE local. It upsets me when i think about the fact that my FI's bachelor party has been planned for a while now and that they are going on a weekend trip. i really think MOH is dropping the ball on this one. there hasn't been much that she has had to do except show up for a dress fitting. i'm giving her the benefit of the doubt since we are young and this is her first time ever being in a wedding. perhaps she just doesn't know. i think she's now trying to plan something since it got escalated by FI to her but i have no clue if a shower is in the works. i try not to think about it cuz it makes me sad.
I can completely understand being upset, and you are handling your disappointment with maturity and grace. That's a big compliment in the melodramatic world of weddings!
Since you care more about the experience than the gifts (and God bless you for that!), would it be possible to throw a sort of pseudo-shower for yourself? You could have a potluck, and ask the guests to also bring a small charitible donation (like a toy or goods for a food bank...be creative and support a cause you're passionate about) and a written piece of advice on relationships, marriage, or just life in general. Keep it small and simple, and ask your bridesmaids to help set up and clean up. That way you get the added bonus of bonding time with your favorite girls you probably don't get to see often enough!
If you go this route, be sure to let you guests know why you're having the event. I'd bet they'd be touched to share such a special moment with you.
Good luck, and have a happy wedding!
In my family, it's always a cousin or an aunt that throws the shower. In your case, where you've picked bridesmaids that don't live locally, I think it would be wonderful if they did throw you a shower, but I also think it's a bit above and beyond to expect them to all travel for the shower and then again for the wedding, especially since they will probably have to come into town earlier than your wedding guests. And it's a bit hard to plan and throw a party in a town where you don't live - would you show up with suitcases full of favors and snacks? Again, it would be great if they could swing it, but I can understand them figuring that it makes more sense for someone local to do host the party.
Having your MOH host a shower in the town where she lives is certainly an option, but I can also see how she might be less than ecstatic about doing it all herself, since none of your other bridesmaids lives there. Do you have other relatives or friends that could help her out? Or do you just have other relatives or friends who could take over this task?
I absolutely understand you being disappointed. But bridesmaids, like all volunteer labor, do what they want - especially if you haven't communicated effectively to them what you might want. Rather than feeling bad about it, I would figure out who might be willing to throw you a shower locally, and see if you can get something going that way.
FYI - I had no bridesmaids at all, and ended up having three showers and two bachelorette parties. So it's absolutely not necessary for the MOH to do anything - or to even exist!!
Please don't let this get you down, and definitely do not let it ruin the wonderful engagement period during which you should be excited about your wedding. Have you tried approaching your mother or a family member you can confide in, or even your Fiancee and his family, and explaining how you feel? You have a justified reason to feel blue about this, as you are not requiring your MOH to pay for everything. Try talking to her about your feeling and letting her know you would like an opportunity to get together with famil and friends to celebrate, regardless of presents or location? Maybe all of your BMs can't come, which is still ok since there is a travel expense involved, but you could suggest perhaps a potluck shower at your mom's or family member's house - there is no reason that each individual's dish, made or purchased with love, pot luck dish cannot be representative of a gift. Just try to have an open conversation about it and see how they feel about being creative. Hopefully, with some communciation, you can get this worked out and no one's feelings will be hurt - including yours!
Thanks a lot for all the comments, ladies. It makes me feel better that most of you don't think I'm out of line for feeling a little sad about all of this.
Unfortunatley it doesn't seem like anyone in my family feels that they should throw a shower for me either. My mother believes that as the mother of the bride it is tacky for her to host a shower (and is, obviously, tapped out trying to pay for the wedding etc.) I agree with her about this, but still think if I saw this unfolding and my daughter wasn't going to have a shower for her wedding I would get involved and plan one or lean on my sisters/cousins/etc. to host one for her. My mother's take is that my family thinks that as a successful person with a good job who has been living on her own for a few years I don't "need" a shower. She also believes that a lot of my relatives would find it insulting to be invited to a shower for someone who is "shacked up" with her fiancee.
I am, overall, simply sad that know one wants to go through the trouble of hosting a little shower in my honor. It isn't--as my MOH believes--about the gifts I may or may not recieve. And it certainly isn't verboten because I have a good job and my fiancee and I live together... At least I don't think so...
This happened to me and I started feeling sad and was afraid one wasn't going to get thrown for me if I didn't do something. It's tricky because I live in California, my MOH lives in SC and the wedding is in MA so I had to book my tickets in advance and it had to be during my spring break.
How I handled it: I approached my MOH-"I have an idea about what we can do for a shower..." and then proceeded to plan it with her until my aunt stepped in and said I wasn't supposed to plan my own shower...now they're planning it together.
My cover for stepping up: I told my MOH (my sister-in-law) that I felt bad for stepping on her toes but I didn't want to burden her with the stress of planning it and paying for it...she said she didn't step up earlier becs she was afraid I wouldn't like any of her ideas.
Good luck! There are tactful ways to do this-don't be embarassed-you and your FH deserve to be showered with gifts and attention!
Ahhhh, there we have it!
My mother's take is that my family thinks that as a successful person with a good job who has been living on her own for a few years I don't "need" a shower. She also believes that a lot of my relatives would find it insulting to be invited to a shower for someone who is "shacked up" with her fiancee.
So mom is feeling like (1 or more of the following):
1 She wants to teach you a lesson because you are cohabitating. (Did she tell you not to do it or tell you how she disagrees with your decision, previously?)
2. She has been getting heat from the relatives because you are living together.
3. Your family might have a deeply traditional view of showers.
4. Someone is jealous of your success.
I obviously don't know your family. Perhaps your mom is supportive, but the other female relatives are older (and old schooled) in that they feel you should't be living together, and since you are you obviously don't need to set up a home, since you already have "set yours up". Do you think that isn't the case and your mom is the one with the problem, and simply making excuses?
If your family is that unsupportive, who needs 'em? Have a small shower when your girls get to town.
If you really still want the get together, could you have a shower where you ask people to donate stuff to charity instead? Maybe say instead of bringing you a gift, tell them to bring a gift for a needy family. Maybe food items? (Baby items would be great. But your aren't having a baby shower...) You can say how you have your home set up (as they seem to suspect) so why not come together and help out someone else. Or perhaps you can host a house warming, before or after your wedding. That way you can host the party yourself.
Good luck. I'm sorry, people are feeling this way. Keep us posted.
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
