Weddingbee boards

I f*ing hate my dad!  I know it sounds terrible...this may be a long post, so please bear with me!  I need your help!  Now, I know I have said some things about this situation before, and I know some of you have as well.  Basically, my wedding is in 5 weeks.  My total wedding cost is over $50k.  Yes, I know.  Not planned.  My mother and stepfather have paid about $30k.  My FI and I have paid about 15K.  Little things have been charged, which make up the difference....after my dad is supposed to contribute his $5k....yes, thats it. ...and not to sound selfish - he makes 6 figures and has an insane annuity of which he can take from whenever he pleases.  By insane, I mean a million+.  He and my mother were divorced when I was 5.  My stepfather came into the picture shortly thereafter, and they started living together.  They got married right before I turned 13, and I am now 28.  That is roughly 23 years of this other man being the "father figure" to my sister and I.  I say this because we only saw my dad once a week for apporoximately 6 hours, and after I turned 14 or so, he didn't know what to do with us, so even that time changed to just every so often.  Since then, everything has been our fault as to why we don't see him, and even my grandmother wrote me a mean letter saying we never make an effort to see him and blah blah blah.  My sister no longer speaks to him, because she has 2 girls whose father is Haitian, and my dad thinks "its not right"....basically, he is an a*hole.  But I have always tried to keep in touch with him and make an effort every time to go see him and all that.  He has, for our entire lives, complained or refused about or to contributing money to us for living/school expenses.

Fast forward to tonight...

He calls my FI and says "I know I won't get an answer from her, so I am asking you:  am I walking her down the aisle?  because if I am not, there is no point in me even showing up and my entire family will be pissed off".  My FI said "you'll have to talk to her about it"....leave it to him to act like he knows nothing.  Now, granted I should have discussed this beforehand.  But because of the situation, and knowing how he always makes everything about him and his family (who, I might add, has never invited us to a damn thing), I have avoided it.  Bad daughter, I know.  But the thing is, I want both of them to walk me, whether together, split the aisle, whatever.  and he is married to this superbitch that we all hate....and he didn't even tell us he was getting/got married until weeks later. 

anyway, what the hell am I supposed to say to him???  This is our day - not anyone else's, and it has nothing to do with what anyone else wants, right?  Now, my stepfather has said that if it was going to cause problems, then he didn't have to walk me.  but its not how I want it!  These are the important parts of the wedding, you know?  I feel, at this point, that if that is how he wants to be, then I don't even want him there....you would think that what matters is that his oldest daughter, and the only one who will ever get married, is getting married and thats what its about....right?

Ok I am going to keep this short and sweet.  Its your day!  Your step dad deserves the privilage of walking his daughter down the aisle.  He was your father when your biological dad didnt have the time.  Do what you feel is in your heart!   My vote is for step daddy! Big hug!

I know.....to all....but we don't communicate with each other very well.  I have always avoided things like this with him because of the way he will act.  I know it is definitely not about the money.  but we have way over-extended our accounts, and he won't give me the money if I do what I want.  I just am never able to confront him about anything.  I don't know why!  I think because we have never been close, so I don't feel comfortable having a "real" conversation with him....

besicsbride....how or what did you say?  I know what I want to say....I just don't want to deal with it....which is why this is happening a month before the wedding in the first place!  It makes me so angry!

I used this trick when doing a phone interview - write down key words in front of you and look at them while you're talking. Like "CALM" and "DON'T GET EMOTIONAL." stuff like that. And then some of the key phrases that BecicsBride said above. You can cry and scream all you want when you get off the phone, but use all of your power to keep an even voice. Take deep breaths. You can do it.

This is your day, not his. He wasn't there for your life, he doesn't get to run your day. It seems he also has way too much emotional control over you, which is understandable. But like was said above, you're not 12. He can't ground you. He can't do anything to you but take his money away. In the long run, you come out on top. Be firm! Good luck!

tell him just what you've said. that yes, he will be walking you down the aisle but that he will be sharing that duty with your stepfather. and that you hope he is ok with this, because you want both to be involved, which is how it has been in your life.

if he isn't ok, nothing you can do about it but be gracious and say hope he changes his mind.

both ways work, whether one walks you first and the other takes over. or whether they both walk you down.

good luck!! 

BesicsBride nailed the script, that is a very classy way to deliver the message to your dad.  Wedding planning is such an emotional time and it forces you to deal with a lot of issues that we mostly just ignore (i.e. publicly demonstrating which one is the more important father in your life!). 

I think it is very admirable of you to want both of them walk you down the aisle.  Completely understand why you didn't want to deal with the issue previously, but it's obviously an important point to address and your dad is probably upset that it's 5 weeks out from the wedding, and he still didn't know. 

You say it's not about the money, but it kind of is.  Your dad's contribution would help you out, and you feel entitled to it because you're his daughter and it sounds like he has the means to give you the money.  But on the flip side, the same entitlement you feel to the money is the same entitlement he's feeling about being your dad and having the right to walk you down the aisle.

There's a lot of stuff that needs to be worked out, like the resentment you feel that he wasn't really there for you, but there's no way you'll be able to in 5 weeks by the wedding.  So do the best you can to resolve the quick issue at hand, but be ready to not have your dad participating or attending, or contributing monetarily if that's the route he chooses.  Good luck, and try to focus on celebrating marrying your awesome husband.

AAAAHHHHH!!!!  Thank you all soo soo much!  I did it!  All day I had a knot in my stomach and could not stop thinking about it.  Finally I walked out at the end of the day, and said screw it, I am doing this once and for all!  I told him that they were both walking me down, he could be the one to "give" me to my FI, each of them will walk me halfway.  I seriously feel like, 50 lbs lighter!  oohhh, if only that were the case!  That was THE hardest thing I have ever had to do. But, he agreed to it!  Thanks again for the support and encouragement!