Post # 1
She will be very kind to me one day, and the next she will be armored with snide remarks. During our wedding rehearsal, she glared at me with this sour look the entire time. When I approached DH about it, he said that she was probably just worried about how the rehearsal dinner would turn out, since she and DH’s dad were hosting it. Does her worry warrant mean looks, though?! I might add, she doesn’t seem to have a filter from brain to mouth. Just the other day, she told me that she DH’s sister out to SPY ON THIS GIRL he was dating in high school!!! I just wonder if she has scrutinized every little thing I do. I just never know what to expect from her!
Ugggh, she’s one of those women who appears so sweet and meek, and before you know it, she’s telling you that your back looks awful and that you should use Proactiv to clear up your “unsightly pimples” before the wedding. She even told me that I should avoid taffy and gum before the wedding, because I’ll pull my fillings out.
However, the above things are nothing compared to the following. The worst thing I’ve endured from her was when she found out DH and I were living together while engaged. DH “thought” she knew we were living together, but apparently he didn’t formally tell her. She fusses at us to the point where I’m crying, and DH is sitting beside me, trying to take the blame for everything. She tells me she’s not mad at me, but tells me that I’m not behaving like the “Christian girl” she suspected I was. I could say something about her younger days that wasn’t quite orthodox, but I’ll refrain…
I’m a very sensitive person. I suffer from some mental disorders that most likely contribute largely to this sensitivity. I’ve even opened up to MIL about my mental health issues, but she doesn’t seem to have any further interest in learning more about me 🙁 Do you have any ideas on how I should deal with her? I’m sorry my post is so jumbled, I’m a bit of a mess at the moment.
Post # 3
awwww sweetie, firstly *BIG HUGS*
The only thing you can do is sit down with your DH & MIL and ask what is going on…I know it will be hard but at least your DH will be there to comfort you and put his two bits in.
She might not realise that she is a ………… and she wont know unless she is told. If she is doing this on purpose then your going to have to seperate her out of you life a bit (for your sake)….Your DH can go and see her with out you.
That is all I can advise hun….I know a lot of people that don’t get along with their MIL, it’s not the end of the world……lots of love down your way sweet
Post # 4
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with her and her unfiltered mouth. My ex-husbands wife is the same way, she’s said some off the wall things to me and has no problem inserting herself into everyones life issues that it has caused some family drama. My son and his wife were expecting their first baby and it got so bad my son told her to “back off” at the sonogram appointment when she told the tech how to do his job. She told him that she’ll say anything she damm well pleases. After the baby was born he told his dad he’s more than welcome to see his granddaughter but leave his wife at home.
I wish I could tell you how to handle her but honestly sometimes there isn’t. Some people believe they’re entitled to voice their opinions whether you want to hear them or not. I know it’s hard to grow a tough skin when you’re already sensitive but if you can try to remember not to take what she says personally even though her words are hurting you. She may not even bat an eye but when she says something you don’t want to hear you could try calling her out on it and ask “Why would you say something so rude like that”? but then again if she doesn’t care what she says she may not care about what you’re saying. Hugs to you!!!
Post # 5
Thank you both for your support, it’s greatly appreciated! *big hugs back to both of you!*
I just think it’s crazy that she had DH’s oldest sister ‘spy’ on this h.s. girlfriend…wth?! Ahhh, crazy women (MIL and SIL!)
Post # 6
@gardenroses: At least it shows she is nuts with other people, not just you. Some people just can’t be helped lol
My Ex mother in law one day tried to take a swing at me because I had left a coffee cup in her sink….It was later found out that she was so hormonal from menopause and once she had some meds, she was so sweet……..
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - Twin Oaks Garden House
giiiirrrlll. i know what ur feeling. i have a fmil problem also. she tells people i dont respect her but after a bunch of shit shes pulled (and put her own son…my FI…iin a bad position) and i called her out on it. the only thing is that my FI knows shes kinda rude to me….so does his sister and his dad….so they all agree that i should stand up for myself when she says shitty stuff. i just dont talk to her or engage in personal conversations. and they she tells people (usually her friends from church and her sisters) that i dont like her blah blah blah but she put herself in that position where i cant talk to her. luckily i have the support from the rest of his family and they are like family. im getting married june 27th ’14 but shes already been trying to be involved. i just dont want her trying to be involved with things i want just my mom and i…..uhh…..
sorry for rambling. i need to vent too!! thanks
Post # 8
@russian_doll: This plus your DH needs to stand up to her (putting it kindly). You should not have to endure emotional abuse while your DH validates it by being apologetic.
Post # 9
I have a very similar situation and have learned to turn the other cheek and look away. I don’t really listen anymore or try as hard as I once did because I know that I’ll a) never be satisfied and b) will always have hurt feelings. I just decided last year that I was over it – and I think you should do the same.
I’m always kind and courteous when I see her and go over for dinner once in awhile to save face and will bring something with me (ie flowers, etc. like she expects) and then that’s it. It would have been nice for her to care about me or to at least pretend that she cares, but now that I know that she doesn’t, I’m over it. That’s what my own family is for.
Post # 10
PS. I’ve tried to talk it out with her once to no avail. It didn’t work!
Post # 11
Don’t let her get to you…she’s probably a pretty high strung person and is a little preoccupied with her own thoughts, also it sounds like her way of saying certain things leaves much to be desired….but none of those things should get under your skin…your an adult, you are in charge of your back, your living arrangements and your life…she can say what she likes, it doesn’t mean you have to respond, in fact if you ignore those more unsavory comments, she’s going to have to learn a new way to present them to you if she wants to be heard….a polite yet non-plussed, “I disagree.” with her, will make a big difference, don’t get down on yourself, your doing good!
Post # 12
She has problems… she is just very self-absorbed and a little bit unstable. Just be civil and polite to her, but nothing more (because she can’t handle it). Don’t let her get to you.. its all about her and none of it is about you (which, I know, that’s hard to swallow). Just do your best.. she’ll find things wrong but she’d find fault in anything you did.
Post # 13
My mum told me you can’t try to be rational with irrational people. You can try to explain your thoughts and emotions to them until your blue in the face…they are just beyond getting it and understanding it. If they were rational they wouldn’t exhibit those behaviours in the first place.
I suggest just let it go…accept that she exhibits strange behaviour …and concerntrate on your own things. Smile when you see her, be polite and give her a courtesy call every so often…because at the end of the day she is your FI’s mum.
oh and when she really pisses you off… exhibit some of your own strange behaviour….
repeatedly punching a pillow and screaming or calling her every mean name you can think of in the privacy of your own home!!!
Post # 14
@gardenroses: I’m so sorry you’re going through this but at the same time I’m happy to see this is so common. I deal with the same thing from SO’s mother. Seriously when he talks about our future the only thing that gives me a moments hesitation is his mother. I always wanted a close relationship with my husbands mother but that isn’t going to happen. She’s just like your FMIL, all sweet one moment and I catch her glaring at me with a twisted up face the next. Those backhanded comments come out of nowhere! SO doesn’t get it. The other day it was far more obvious because we were all talking with each other and she asked me how my day at work was, SO had to go take a call and she immediately ignored me when he left the room. She puts on a good show for him though. I figure I’ll keep trying for now but I’m sure if she doesn’t warm up to me I’ll eventually give up on her. We can only take so much.
Post # 15
I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for the past few days. A lot of things came up suddenly, so I haven’t been on here. I want to thank each and every one of you for your thoughtful responses to my dilemma. I need to keep in mind, as Nona said, that MIL is a super-high-strung individual. There will be many more times she will test my patience, my wit and my intentions, but now I know that continuing to be civil is the best way to go. She may return my sincerity, and she may not. Whenever she gets me down, I can always remind myself that I only see her maybe once or twice a month (at the most) 🙂 hehe!