- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
I’ve known and been friends with my dear SO for 18 years – but it’s only in the last 3 years that we looked at each other in a new way, dated and fell in love, moved in together, bought a house together . . .we had spoken lightly of marriage and I assumed (we all know how dangerous that is) that that was our pathway. We both felt that we had found something very special in each other and in our relationship and it has been so harmonious, so sweet and magical.
About 6 months ago, in a long heartfelt conversation about issues (not related to us) in his extended family, I asked him specifically what he felt about marriage, for himself . . . he said “I would be honored to be your husband . . . there’s a sacred, a spiritual element to it – it’s making a statement of a higher level of commitment to each other, although there are marriages that don’t work like that . . . there’s also practical aspects . . . but I don’t feel I would have to do that to prove my commitment” . . .
I felt uplifted by his sharing, and have continued feeling blessed in the relationship. Being married is important to me on so many levels, and I’ve made that clear without being at all demanding about it.
But last night, again when we were discussing family issues, I asked him about what criteria he thought was important for deciding about marriage and he just blew me off, saying, “Well, marriage is just about having kids, right?”
We are both over 55, so no, not right. And that statement was so at odds with his previous one that I was shocked into silence. I’m still reeling, several days later . . . feeling that he has changed his mind about being honored to be my husband and that he has decided that, after all, I’m not worthy. I am so, so sad. I don’t want to bring it up again because, quite frankly, I believe that for a marriage to be the most that it can be, both people have to want it. Deeply. If I bring it up again, he’ll probably feel pressured, and that seems like a recipe for disaster.
I can’t quite believe that I’m writing to an online forum about this, but it’s just gone round and round in my mind and I don’t have anybody I can discuss this with. Thanks for listening, and any perspective would be welcomed.