Post # 1
I’m going to try to be as brief as possible but I”m just ANNOYED and I need to vent.
I have been with my bf for 2.5 years and he is awesome. We took things pretty slow because we were both fresh out of new relationships and because I really wanted to finish law school before I got TOO serious. So anyways I’m now done with school and started my career and we’re seriously talking about getting married. I also found out from two separate friends that he told them he was ring shopping for me, and I expect a proposal to happen some time this fall/winter.
Now my mom is awesome and we are really close, but she does not love my bf. She likes him and acknowledges he’s crazy about me and that he treats me really well. But she thinks he’s a little “weird” and he’s just not “the one.” (Since when is being normal so great?). I’ve really tried to brush off her comments and keep telling her that I really love him and I think he’s it, but she just doesn’t hear me. She even asked a few months ago if I thought we’d get married and I said yes, I thought he might propose sometime soonish (didn’t know about the ring yet, just thought so) and she basically just ignored the comment and moved on.
Then today on the phone this convo:
her: so what are you up to tonight?
me: not much, bf is coming over
her: oh is it is night to bring dinner?
me: yea or he might cook it
her: why would he cook?
me: he’s been trying to be really good with money lately so if he has time he’ll probably just cook something rather than picking up dinner
her: *long pause* why is he trying to save money? do you have any ideas?
me: well I have an idea but I don’t know for sure.
her: *loud/audible sigh*
me: wow. don’t sound so excited there..
her: i know. it’s just… you want to control the people who are in your kid’s lives and you just can’t. but i mean, i guess if you’re happy i’ll be happy. oh well. So I went to this really dirty mexican restaurant last night it was so bad…
UMMM. thanks mom. Now, I knew she wasn’t totally sold on my bf. And I also suspect that once it is official she will fake happy and help me plan the wedding. But I’m just so disapointed at her reaction. I know it shouldn’t matter but it makes me sad that she isn’t happy for me that I found someone I love (and that she knows loves me and treats me great!). I think that my parents have really unrealistic expectations for what they want for me in a dream man (i.e. someone from a good/wealthy family where the parents are still together). My bf is a great guy, my age, good job, treats me great, loves me to death, respectful of them, she can’t say a bad thing about him! Just that she thinks people who come from broken homes don’t know how to be in a marriage and that he’s a little “weird”.
Post # 3
I’m sorry to hear that. It sounds like he should live up to a parental standard! Are you sure she got the idea about what you think he’s saving for? Or, maybe she’s trying to encourage you to keep your hopes in check until it’s official?
My only suggestion is to keep telling your parents good things about him and letting him shine in their eyes. Good luck! Sometimes it’s tough for parents to see their kids stepping into a new life, but you should be old enough for them to accept that by this point.
Post # 4
@mary-alice-me yes, she definitely got it. Like I said, I outright told her I thought we’d get engaged soon a few months ago (and she ignored me). So, she knew we were talking about engagement. I really don’t believe that they’d be pleased with anyone I dated unless he was everything my current bf is + independently wealthy (or comes from a wealthy family) + “good”family + “perfect” (by their standards) personality
Post # 5
I’m sorry about that! BIG HUGS! My Mom didn’t act happy about my wedding either. She actually had me crying at work one day because I asked her if she was mad at me and she started going off on this rampage about how our venue is No Smoking (I included notes in the invitations for smokers so that they’d know). She said “It hurts but I guess I’ll get over it”. I just said that it’s their RULE not something I chose. UGH!
I hope your Mom is REALLY happy once he pops the question. Good luck!
Post # 6
I saw my Mom for the first time in 2 years this weekend in AZ…she didn’t even ask to see the ring. Nothing compared to your, Mom! I hope that once he proposes she will start to see that he is the one and be genuinly happy for you!
Post # 7
@ His Barista- Ugh that sucks! I know that comparitively speaking my situation isn’t that bad. At least she isn’t hostile and once it happens I know she will at least act nice. I think it’s just particularly hard because we ARE so close and I’m not used to her disaproval. Time to grow up I guess 🙂
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I’m sorry. 🙁 My family loved every single one of my old boyfriends when they first met them, but looked for bad things to say once they sensed we were getting serious (no matter how ridiculous). Except my grandma, who could never say enough good things about an ex once I started dating someone new. 😉
She’ll get over it, though. Have a happy life and marriage with your bf, and down the line she’ll forget she ever thought he was weird. It doesn’t really help you now, I know, but it might be all you get…
As for broken homes… my grandparents divorced, my parents divorced, and I don’t think FI’s parents (who are still married, and whose parents were married until they died) hold the “sins of the fathers” against me. 😉 We are all shaped differently by our experiences.
Post # 9
Oh boy. I’m so sorry about this as I know ALL too well how a mother can be at times. That phone conversation you described above killed me. Oh the mother’s sigh! And little do they know that sigh really matters to us.
So let me ask you this, does it truly come down to him coming from a broken home? How are their reactions with each other? Are they both respectful to each other? Have they ever just sat down together to shoot the sh*t?
It sounds like your BF treats you right and vice versa. I can tell you’re happy just through your words. I hope the air eventually clears for you. Keep us posted.
Post # 10
I TOTALLY can relate to this post. About 6 months prior to my FI proposing (we’d been together for over 3 years at this point), I had a chat with my mom… we were at a really nice dinner, having a wonderful evening. At some point in time, I asked her if she was ready to have a new son-in-law. Her response: nothing. Silence. Then – she proceed to tell me how no one liked him and she didn’t think he was right for me. I did everything to hold back the tears. I asked her why she felt that way – and she couldn’t answer the question (other than to say that everyone thought he wasn’t right for me). Yeah, that’s helpful.
Fast forward to now – when FI asked for her blessing she said ‘sure’…. and then said, what can I say? It’s your choice. AYE. The nice thing is she’s coming around now – and knowing the way it’s gone with my siblings, it will be fine in the long haul.
I guess my point is that even though your mom may be less than thrilled now, she is really most concerned with your happiness and well-being. Once you get married and she sees that manifesting itself, I’m sure she will warm up to the idea.
Best of luck to you – try not to let it get you down (it’s been a big struggle for me!)
Post # 11
Aw sorry she’s not that enthusiastic. But, sometimes people take a long time to warm up to others, and you’ll have the rest of your lives to do it. I’m sure once you get engaged and into planning she’ll perk up. I think some parents don’t ever think anyone is good enough for their children, if that’s any consolation.
Post # 12
My mom was the same way, just give her some time! I thought my mom would be elated for me 3.5 years into our relationship, but she wasn’t until it got close to the actual wedding. She’ll get over it; you gotta make yourself happy first and foremost!
Post # 13
@stephinPA I think a huge part of it is the “broken home” thing. She really hates that his parents are divorced and he had a difficult childhood. The ironic thing is that her parents are divorced and she’s been with my dad 33 years so lord knows she got the marriage thing down. 🙂 She wants someone from a nice/perfect/loving family. Well, don’t we all but it’s not his parents that his parents screwed up! The other part of it is that she just thinks he’s a little “weird.” This mostly stems from the fact that none of the men in my family went to college and they’re all very handy in terms of fixing stuff, cars, etc. My bf did go to college and has a good job and doesn’t see why you wouldn’t just hire someone to do something (besides the fact that he never learned how to do it so he’s not really capable). Now… she obviously wants someone with a good job/salary like him… but she also wants him to be able to do all the stuff my more “blue-collar” family can do. They have spent lots of time together, and they’ve never traded any kinds of harsh words. He’s always super nice and respectful. I think they just don’t think he’s a man’s-man or something because he’s not handy.
@oracle- OMG I would’ve cried. My mom hasn’t been that harsh thus far. I’m so sorry you had to sit through that!
@Noelle- I think that is the case. I really dont think the guy they want for me exists! I believe she’ll come around. it just might take a whiie.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
@CorgiTales: That’s why she thinks he’s weird? That’s a sign of a successful person! If your time is worth more than the cost of getting someone else to do something, you get someone else to do it! 😉 At least I heard that on Good Morning America, once… 😉
Post # 15
I definately understand the socio-economic notions behind the blue-collar vs. college-grad man. My FI is the only one of his immediate family and friends to get a degree. Pretty soon, he’ll have his masters. My dad is the only one in his family to get a degree. One of the reasons I love my FI is that he is the perfect blend of blue-collar and educated.
But I would flat out ask your mom what her reasons are for thinking he’s “weird”. She obviously doesn’t see him the way you do, but I think it asking her to give direct examples of this “weird” behavior, you will both be able to talk about her seemingly subjective impressions and your love for your BF. It stinks if she just refuses to talk to you or reason. But in this situation, you have to show her that you are an adult more than capable of taking care of your own relationships and asking her to explain head on will definately show that. Better to do it now rather than something like the week of the wedding!
Post # 16
@marigold yea, I think that is mostly it. And I get where they are coming from a little because I grew up like that and it used to really bug me that he wasn’t able to build stuff or fix things. Then I realized, I CAN. I just wanted him to do it because he was the guy and thus should do “guy stuff.” (remember, my upbringing!) I really got over it and I am 100% okay with the way he likes to handle things because if I don’t want to pay to have something done I can usually do it myself.
@whitesonnet- you’re right. At some point I might need to have it out with her, but I don’t think I’m there yet. My hope is that our conversation today will have prepared her enough that when I DO get engaged in the next few months she is able to be happy for me. But, if she keeps it up I think that I need remind her that her parents hated my dad (not just didn’t like, actively disliked) and they’ve been together now 33 years and he is fantastic. But hopefully this is just her first reaction and she’ll get over it and be nicer in the future.