Post # 1
This is a vent mostly. As some of you may know my future father in law has been battling esophageal cancer for just over a year now. He used to really enjoy quality food, drinks, debating, and music. He was diagnosed last February. He had his esophagus removed at the end of the summer, and has been on a feeding tube since fall due to not being able to swallow which was gutting since that took away two of his favorite pastimes. He has done all sorts of chemo and radiation for the past year and in January he started in a clinal trial for which we were all really hopeful. But it spread up to his vocal chord and now it has been damaged and he can hardly speak except in whispers. So cancer has taken away yet another of his life pleasures.
We have been planning the wedding for the end of July knowing he could not feel well enough to go and that we may have to push up or postpone it, but have been basically planning like nothing is wrong to keep spirits up.
Well yesterday we got some devastating news that his immunotherapy from the clinical trial he was apart of hasn’t been working and his cancer has spread to his liver. I spoke with my FI about what he would like to do and he really still wants to have our wedding like planned but to push it up by two months, so having it in May instead. He’s hoping by having it sooner his dad will at least be able to enjoy being present while not in too much pain. And that he may still be able to give the speech he has been planning for months. Invitations were about to be ordered, in fact I’m waiting on the proof to come in the mail next week. So if everything works out we could just have my MOH that created the invites change the date and rush them out.
I know many people won’t be able to come since it isn’t the date we had them save, hotels may already be sold out instead of the room blocks we reserved, flights will be crazy expensive since its short notice and everything else. I’m just hoping the stars align and all (or at least some) of the vendors have the same day off in May to push the wedding up by two months and at least the core family and friends can have that day open as well.
I’m going call my venue/caterer tomorrow (they are closed on Mondays) and see if they even have any availability for May and go from there. We’ve known this whole time while planning that none of the things matter (decor, flowers, food, venue) except marrying my love and that our family and friends are there to watch us get married. So if we some vendors can switch days that’s great and if not I’ll find someone new, I will take it as it happens though.
I’m trying really hard to stay optimistic here but it is hard. Thanks for reading. Any well wishes would be appreciated.
Post # 2
Oh Bee, that is devastating news. I’m so sorry…
i think you are doing the right thing by moving the wedding up, it is what I would do too in your circumstance. I understand what it is like because my FIL is also sick and has been for many years now, in and out of the hospital for the last ten years. We knew that there was a possibility he wouldn’t be there due to being sick however it is amazing what the mind and body can do once willed to do so. He was determined to make it to our wedding regardless and he was able to come and even walk down the aisle which is a huge undertaking for him as he lost his leg a few years ago and has neropathy. I truly hope that your FIL is able to make it to yours and that he can give the speech of a lifetime.
Might I just give you one tiny suggestion, you do not have to take it if you don’t want but if he really really wants to do the speech, you can offer for someone to record your FIL (when he is feeling really good one day) to play it back at the wedding in case his voice becomes worse between now and then.. Just trying to think ahead and in a just in case scenario.
And don’t worry about inconveniencing people with a new date, everyone will understand and if they cannot make it then so be it and those who really love you will make it work… I wish you all the best and I will have your FIL in my prayers.
Post # 3
Oh bee I’m so sorry this is so tough. Thoughts are with you and your FFIL xx
Post # 4
I’m so sorry about that news. One of my mentors had a similar experience where they planned their wedding around her dad who had metastatic cancer. It was just the right thing to do. She has said that it was also a nice way for loved ones to spend time and celebrate her dad. I know it’s not the most ideal situation, but it will work out in the end.
Post # 5
I am so so sorry for this terrible news. Esophageal cancer is absolutely horrible. I wish you the best in planning with the new date. It sounds like you have a really good attitude about it. I hope you don’t mind me suggesting this but I am a hospice RN and see, firsthand, the benefit of the program for people with advanced disease. It could really help his quality of life leading up to and during the wedding. Just a thought! PM me if you want to chat more ❤️, thinking of you!
Post # 6
My dad had the same cancer. He survived it but radiation destroyed his saliva glands and he lived with a feeding tube for 5 years. I’m so sorry for your family and I hope it all works out.
Post # 7
teacher-bee-in-the-sea : I’m so sorry about your FFIL and I hope it works out. Sending prayers your way.
Post # 8
I’m so sorry, Bee. Hugs to you and your family.
Post # 9
karen12 : I’m so sorry for your loss.
Pinkpeep : I don’t think we are quite there yet, he is going to begin another highly targeted chemotherapy next week so we aren’t yet at palliative care. I hope they do use hospice once it is at that point, for his and his wife’s comfort.
Cheekie0077 : Thank you, I may mention it to my FI and see what he thinks, his dad is a very strong and proud man and I just can’t believe it has come to this. We truly believe in the power of the will, which is part of the reason we planned the wedding the way we did. His dad has been looking forward to it for months.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
teacher-bee-in-the-sea : Can you do an intimate family ceremony soon and then still have the big wedding/celebration in July? I’m so sorry to hear about his dad 🙁 DH and I have both lost our fathers while together – it’s devastating.
Post # 11
FutureDrAtkins : yes, that is the second best option we talked about and I will look into if it seems impossible to move the wedding up. Luckily for my FI most of his family is local, whereas mine is a six hour drive or six hour flight away.
Post # 12
I’m so sorry, and I’m sending you and your family good thoughts.
FWIW, I don’t think there’s a right or wrong decision here – do what feels best to you and your FI. The truth is, sick people can turn for the worse at any time. They can also hang in there and be okay for months or years longer than expected, especially when they have something to look forward to. In the worst case scenario, what if you rearrange everything for two months earlier and he still isn’t well enough to attend in May? Will you be sacrificing other important guests (your family who are far away) by moving up the date? I only wish to bring up these possibilities because they haven’t been mentioned here yet, and I think they’re worth considering before you rearrange everything.
You also haven’t mentioned whether you have talked to your FFIL about the idea of moving up the wedding. As a very strong, proud man, would he be okay with the idea of moving the wedding up? Some people feel strongly that they don’t want to be treated differently when they’re sick – I’m not sure if your FFIL is like this, but I think before you change any arrangements, you should make sure that he is okay with the idea.
In any case, I truly hope that he is able to attend and that you have a beautiful wedding surrounded by loved ones.
Post # 13
teacher-bee-in-the-sea : ah, ok. That makes sense. I hope he finds the treatment helpful. This must be so difficult for you all. Again, I am so sorry.
Post # 14
teacher-bee-in-the-sea : Just wanted to share my sympathy with you and your FI, I’ll keep you guys in my prayers and hope that the stars align and the wedding can be pushed up with all the vendors and guests attending. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and that your father in law gets to say his speech just like he wanted.
Post # 15
browneyedgirl24 : you bring up very good points. I won’t be making any arrangements just yet, seeing if it’s even a possibility tomorrow. It’s all so loaded and heavy. I know what I would want if I were the sick one or it were my family member. But I’m not sure what he would want. We want to see if it’s a possibility before we broach the subject with FFIL.
But honestly I feel like none of it is my decision anymore, I’m defaulting to what my fiancé wants in this. I can’t imagine going through the loss of my father during my wedding planning. I’ll be okay if we just have a courthouse and dinner with the closest family and friends soon. Then we can either have the party as planned but as a celebration of marriage or we could postpone it for a year, or if that feels strange just cancel the party and loose the deposits. Honestly I feel like it’s not up to me at all. I can’t be in charge of making this decision. 😔