Post # 1
I am engaged to the love of my life and the greatest guy I have ever met. I am sooo sooo happy to have found him but I cannot help feeling sad about my engagement. I am 23 yr old and the problem is that my parents are definitely not ready to let go which is making me so sad and guilty. My Fiance parents are sooo thrilled and excited and reacting in a typical wedding way (seriously like off the moon for us) but my parents are SAD. My mom literally cried when my Fiance talked to my parents about proposing and keeps saying how everything is changing, they cant imagine letting me go, our family will never be the same etc. Its really upsetting because( although they don’t mean to…especially my mom) they are taking the joy out of it. I feel like since Im the one getting married, Im causing all this grief and distress and its therefore making me sad over the whole thing. Has anyone else experienced this!!!????? Im so happy to be engaged but sad at the same time of what it has caused on my end. UGH. I always want everyone to be happy and I never thought this would happen because my family has always been so close/great but now that closeness is really taking a turn for the worst because they cant imagine me creating my own life. I know I shouldnt care and my Fiance parents are elated but that doesnt take the sadness away from how my parents feel. I feel like on my wedding day my mom is going to be thinking she is showing up for a funeral because I will belong to someone else. I have even pictured doing happy things like picking out a dress with my mom and she will be like beside herself bawling in disbelief. Opinions/advice/words please. I need it…..please please please tell me someone else has experienced this/felt bad about it/inhibiting enagaement happiness
Post # 3
Well, I’m sad this is happening to you, but yes it happens. Your parents are actually being very selfish but don’t realize it. You need to sit them down and have an honest heart-to-heart conversation with them. Tell them how you feel, and that you can’t enjoy this unless they are happy for you, and that you feel guilty. They need to understand that they made you for yourself, not for them, and that you need them to be there for you.
Do they have any issues with your Fiance or is it just because they’re “losing” you?
Post # 4
@caseybop1: How long ago did you get engaged?
Have you set a date yet?
Are you moving far away from your parents to be with your FI?
It may take them a little time to come to terms with things if all of this is very recent.
I think you need sit your mom down and talk to her about how her reaction is upsetting you.
Tell her that they are not losing you, rather they are gaining a son (your FI). Talk to her about all the things you want to do together with her to prepare for the wedding.
Show her with your actions that even though you are getting married, she is not “losing you forever”.
Maybe also try and spend some time with your parents and your Fiance together. So they can feel he is joining your family rather than taking you away.
Post # 5
O I am so sorry that you are dealing with this! Congratulations on your engagement, nothing should be preventing you from enjoying this. I think for every parent, there is an element of sadness at their child moving on and creating their own life – but they have to let go! Are you an only child? If so, that may make it worse. Although I am not an only child my siblings are all much older than me so my parents had a harder time letting go so I undertand to an extent! You clearly have a loving relationship with your parents which is great and of course you care how they feel. My advice would be to let them know that you are so thankful that they have raised you right and now they should be proud that they did a great job and you are ready to fly the coop. Also let them know that even though you are getting married, they will always be your parents but it is now time to start you own family. Involve them in the wedding if at all possible. I feel that the sad part of this story is that they can’t deal with their sadness and be happy for what is a wonderful thing for you, perhaps you could try to delicately approach that with them also saying that you are so happy but that their sadness is making you feel guilty and sad about what sohuld be one of the happiest times of your life.
But regardless of how they react going forward, really work at not feeling guilty or sad about this – you should be overjoyed. Perhaps if they see that you are so excited and unreservedly happy they will see the error of their ways and drop the sadness. They are adults they should be able to handle this without making you feel bad and as an adult, you are entitled to enjoy your engagement without worrying for your parents!
Post # 6
I went through this same thing but with my sister. I lived with my sister since I was 16 so it was difficult on her. She still is not over me moving out and getting married. and now we live 300 miles away…
We really dont have much of a relationship anymore…very sadly. We grew apart because of this and now things just keep getting worse between us. I have tried very hard to patch things up and keep close but she feels betrayed. I hope she soon grows up and realizes things.
I really hope you dont go through this. I just wanted to share my situation…
Post # 7
I’d suggest buying Emotionally Engaged by Allison Moir-Smith and reading it and possibly having your parents read it as well. The book talks about the feelings of sadness and loss that can come from separating from your family and starting your own. It lets you know that you’re not alone feeling some sadness and gives you permission to mourn what you’re losing even while celebrating what you’re gaining. It might be helpful.
Post # 8
Thanks everyone. No I am not an only child. I have an older brother. He is single and lives on his own. I feel like because I am the youngest they are latching on to me with all that they have. I went far away to college and yes, I am going to be moving far away (10 hr) with my fiancee because of his job (live away from home now too) Its ideal to be near my parents but I have to make a choice and its just not possible. I think they see it as me choosing him over them (well really my mom sees it this way but my dad is caught up in the whole mess) which I am (choosing him) but he is going to be my husband and HE has to be my number one priority now. So I guess all these things are making it harder on them which I understand, but I have no control over this situation. It just makes me feel awful. All of your kind words/advice are really appreciated though. I just never ever thought this would be an issue when I thought of me getting engaged someday. My fiancee is the greatest and couldnt ask fr anything better. He has even talked with them before proposing without my knowledge to try and give them a better understanding that he is not taking me away from them etc (when I found out he talked to them I was really happy b.c he is trying so hard to help them understand he is not the bad guy). Both my parents really like him but I think my mom feels in competeition with him. I have tried to eliminate that but it has failed. She keeps saying that its not him and that its just the fact that the “timing isnt right” etc. I feel bad but Im sorry she does not get to choose the timing, nor did her parents get to choose the timing for her and my dad….I will definitely try that book. Maybe it will help!! Hopefully my mom comes to terms with this eventually or Im worried the whole event (joyous time leading up/including that day will be ruined)
Post # 9
P.s–I guess I just wat to be like a normal newly enaaged person and walk around all excited and show my ring and talk about my fiancee and how great he is and start looking into wedding stuff and here I am overclouded and sad because I know that my parents (especially my mom) are upset and struggling with this…
Post # 10
I am going through something similar with my parents. They aren’t crying or anything but are kind of indifferent and not excited at all. It’s zapping all of my excitement too.