- 5 years ago
- Wedding: March 2013
This is my first post on WeddingBee. I feel like I have no one to talk to. My parents are completely absorbed in the wedding planning, and have been absent from my life this past year otherwise. I can’t speak to my friends because my fiance and I share the same friends. I try to speak to my fiance, and he is mostly quiet when I go on my long, depressing rants. At the end he always says something like “I just don’t know what to say” and pats my back. But the reality is nearly everyday I wonder if I should call the wedding off because my fears and anxieties have completely taken over.
This is the story. My fiance and I have been together for over 7 years. We met in college, and became inseparable. We are both 26. We moved to New York together almost 5 years ago and have been completely absorbed in our jobs since. We are both creative professionals, so our work comes home with us (and I have much more to say about our “free time” but will save that for another post).
During our second year living together in New York he broke the news that he had cheated on me a couple of years ago with my best friend/roommate in my apartment. He begged me not to leave him, that the only reason he never said anything was because he didn’t want to lose me and he knew that I would if I had known. I stayed, and did not even punish him a little, because I thought I would get over it. In hindsight I think I stayed because I did not want to throw away our years together, and besides him and work, I really had nothing. This is something that I have grown to regret because I have not gotten over his cheating, even if it was supposedly just kissing. In my relationships the values I hold highest are honesty and fidelity, and I regret not standing my ground when the person I loved most betrayed me. It was a moment for me to stand up for myself, and instead I wrapped myself up in a blanket and cried for months. And never told anyone.
2 years later he asked me to marry him and I said yes. Ever since then I have been absolutely torn up by anxiety and depression. The biggest thought crossing my mind is, “Do I really want to spend my entire life with him?” There are the practical thoughts: He is from the northeast and I am from the south. I come from a small, close knit family, with a very rich heritage and a beautiful stock of traditions. He comes from a sprawling family that is not close and, I have no other way to put it, they have no motivations, have no traditions, and are always in petty arguments with each other. They have never all sat around the dinner table together. One of my BIGGEST fears is giving up the little time I have with my family and splitting it with his. And that bleeds into having children. What grandparents will our children know the best? Where will we even live in a year or two? We currently live in Manhattan, but I can’t imagine living here much longer, let alone raise a family here. He says that he would move down south when we decide to have children so that i can be near my family, but I know 100% that that will not make him happy.So is it enough that we love eachother? Can you build a life just like that?
And then there are the deeper thoughts and questions that scare me the most.
He is a very relaxed person. He does not worry about ANYTHING, which makes me feel like all the worrying always falls on me (because somebody has to do it). I can already picture him being the fun loving dad, and I the frazzled mom behind him handling the bills and the cleaning and the worrying. He does not make me feel secure or stable about our future. And here’s a bit about our sex life. We have sex MAYBE once a week. And in the back of my mind I am always thinking… aren’t we supposed to be all over eachother? I already feel (and have been feeling like this for a while) sexually unsatisfied. Do I have any hope that it will get better? Always the joker, he says he’s going to get hammered on our wedding night, so not to be disappointed if we don’t have sex that night. His being carefree and fun are good qualities, but sometimes it makes me feel like he doesn’t take any of this seriously. Like it’s all one big laugh. Another example: I will cook a painstaking dinner that is healthy and delicious, and afterwards he ALWAYS jokes that he wants to order a pizza. This makes me cry.
All he did was buy me a ring and ask me to marry him. Everything else has fallen on me and my family, and I feel like at this point I’m the one who wants it all the least. My parents are spending a fortune on this wedding, more than I will ever make in salary, more than I EVER would have expected from them, and that adds an incredible amount of stress to the situation. My parents are basically planning the wedding themselves, since they are in the south and I am in NY, and I am kind of in the background getting the planning scraps. When I AM tasked with something and ask my fiance for his advice and feedback, he just throws it back at me. “Whatever you want.”
I can’t help feeling like being engaged has made me realize what i really DO want in a man. A man who can make his OWN decisions and follow through on them. Someone who knows when to joke and when to be sincere. Someone who works hard, but also finds time to plan dates and trips and can take me away from the craziness of the city. Someone who can provide me real comfort when I’m scared, not “I don’t know what to say,” and a pat on the back. Someone who has a grip on the complexities of life, not just the fun, jolly stuff. Someone who knows how to handle the bad things, too. Someone who loves me for who I am, but also desires me, ONLY ME. Even though we’ve been together for 7 years, and lived together for almost 5, I feel like only now the differences in our values are cropping up. And the closer the wedding comes, the closer I get to running away from it all.
I want to love him, and marry him, and have a lovely life with him, but when I take inventory of everything that has transpired, I wonder if I can truly believe any of that is possible. I wonder if we can handle all of the compromises we’ll have to make in the future. I wonder if my fears are rooted in something real, and that I have to come to terms with the fact that I just don’t want to marry him. Or is all of my doom/gloom thinking just self sabotage? Does his carefree attitude complement my pensive/realist one? Or is it going to drive me mad in a few years? If I am not comfortable sacrificing time with my family for his, what else won’t I be willing to sacrifice for him? He has mentioned to me that I should consider getting on depression meds, but what if he’s just the one making me feel depressed?
I am not sure what kind of replies I am looking for, but I’m just glad I can air this out without a weak pat on the head.