Post # 1
So I’ve posted several times about my MOH. And I finally just came to the realization that it doesn’t matter what’s right or wrong, I’m really hurt. And we’ve been best friends for 14 years, so I thought that would matter to her. I called her to ask flat out if she’s upset at me, b/c I feel like she’s really only been saying super negative things about the wedding (it’s too hard, expensive, etc). She said she’s really happy for us and excited. But that she’s stressed at work etc. Then she made a point to mention several times how she was upset that I didn’t drive ehr to the airport after my B’ette party (it was not where I live but where my parents are). I told her that it jsut didn’t work for me, and I was barely on time for my own flight b/c I used all of the time after the festivities to do wedding stuff. She did not acknowledge what I said, proceeded to remind me how annoyed she was…and then go on about how stressful her life is in general. I gently told her that I’ve got a lot going on and I just need some positive energy. But she didn’t even ask how I’ve been doing. When I told her, she just said sort of "okay" and went on with her stuff. It was good to clarify that she’s not really upset at me, but generally just disappointing.
I realized that for at least the last two years, our pattern really has been her talking about what’s hard for her and me listening. She’s been in a bad place, but I have been stressed out too. In the past 2 years I sustained an injury that prevents me from doing all of the fun things I used to fill my time with (cycling, skiing, climbing, hiking) and had me working round the clock (rest 1 hour, work 45 min) to finish my PhD thesis, moved to another state for a new job, and planned a wedding…it’s not like I’ve had tons of free time or energy just going idle. She jokes all the time about how I’m like her therapist, and now I’m really feeling like one. I just feel like friendship is a two way street, and I’m not getting a lot of caring, generosity, or support from her. FI (and really everyone in my life) says he doesn’t really think she’s very empathetic or giving (my sister’s been harsher about her)…but I swear there was a time in our friendship when she was. I’m realizing, though, that I’ve put my needs aside with her a lot in the last few years…and not gotten much in return. I don’t give to receive, but at some point I guess you need to take care of yourself. This is one of those times I suppose…but I’m just feeling really sad to have realized that this really important relationship is not really that great. I wish we could support each other when we’re stressed, but right now that’s not how it is between us. Maybe some day it will be again, but right now it’s just not at all.
Anyway…just kind of sad about it and wanted to put it out there. FI says I should "hire" a new BM from my "wedding support group" (i.e. WeddingBee) to take her place…hee…
Post # 3
thats pretty crappy. i had a friend who i was like her therapist, and finally i told her to f off. i couldn’t deal with a 1 sided friendship. actually i’ve cut lots of friendships because of that. if you can’t take 2 seconds to even text me once a month to say hi, how are you, then i don’t even want you as a friend. It sucks that people are like that. My mum is currently like this and it pisses me off, but she just got thrown into menopause so i’m giving her a while to go back to semi-normal.
If you need a new bridesmaid, im here for you, lol.
Post # 4
BTW, my bridesmaids kinda suck, lol. Well my MOH, ok so she’s superwoman, quite literally, but i need her for 5 minutes a week! She’s got 3 kids, pregnant with number 4 (that one will be like 8 months old by the wedding though!), and just busy with all the kids summer activities, but i need someone to get excited with. doesn’t seem like anyone really wants to!
Post # 5
I’m sorry to hear about your friend. I too have a "friend" I’ve known all my life, that I grew up saying she was my sister (I’m the only girl of 4 children) and about 5 years ago or so our relationship started fading. My FI doesn’t care for her too much and says I’m her friend and she’s not mine and speaks very matter of fact about the situation which tends to hurt.
For our wedding I decided on inviting her as a guest for the following reasons
1. She always speaks critically about FI being in the service
2. She always has to put her 2 cents into everything I do
3. She compares my wedding planning to when she was wedding planning (her wedding was called off)
4. Like you stated, you need positive energy around you.
It’s unfair to you to feel you have to make the effort to have her be a friend. I think you should take a back-seat to the friendship for awhile, and just realize true friends don’t make you feel bad. It’s a disappointed realization but you may have outgrown your relationship with her and she may just be one of those friends you catch up with and remember the good ol’ days. She really doesn’t seem invested into caring for you. I really wish you the best (((hugs)))
Post # 6
That SUCKS! Of course you have a lot on your plate and the whole point of bridesmaids and MOHs is that they are helpful and supportive during a very busy time. It sounds like your friendship has been unbalanced for some time. I had a big falling out with a very close friend right after becoming engaged, we’re barely even talking now and no way is she coming to the wedding. I just want supportive and positive people there and she has put her trip on me quite a bit lately, to make a very long story short. It is very sad but I also find it empowering to draw these limits on what I will put up with from friends because then it frees up time and energy to be with friends I do feel a loving relationship and a lot of 2 way street support kind of stuff going on.
You probably aren’t going to change the way your friend is but you can change how you interact with her. Just be concrete with her about what you need and what you can do for her. Set limits with her. Let her know you care but that you have a lot on your plate, keep reminding her of that.
Have you considered asking her to step down as MOH? Or are you hoping to find a way to still have her there but not feel like ripping your hair out?
Post # 7
Thanks mambinki…I have been considering changing things around with the BP. She did plan my b’ette party, such as it was, so I feel kind of weird about demoting her.
How bad is it if the MOH skips the rehearsal?
But I don’t really want her standing right next to me during the ceremony either, and I generally want to minimize the time I spend with her that weekend. I know that I shouldn’t stress on this all so much, but I can’t help it. I’d feel better if I could just figure out what to do and do it. I also don’t really want to hurt her feelings, so I’m unsure how to handle it. i think the best is to just say that b/c she won’t be at the rehearsal it would be easier for me to have my BM stand next to me (assuming my v. pregnant sister is unable to). Basically, at this point I want to have a different friend (in my BP but not an attendant, we kept the number of attendants small and I have a couple friends who are involved in my Indian event the night before) stay with me the night before, and have the other attendant stand next to me during the ceremony. I don’t at all know how to tell her this without really hurting her feelings…she seemed really upset when I told her that I might want to spend Friday night alone to get some rest (mostly, I think, b/c she didn’t want to pay for a hotel room, but who knows). I suppose it doesn’t matter, given how she’s happy to hurt my feelings, but it would not be like me to not care about that. And, I’m afraid it might invite even more drama…ugh! I just wish I could figure out a solution to this.
Post # 8
let me tell you a funny story…so I have (or had) 2 best friends. My friend Barb just got married 3 months ago (almost divorced…ahhh) and my other best friend is scheduled for an april wedding next year. well…from the moment she got engaged she asked me to be her maid of honor. well…now all of a sudden she told me that she would rather have me as a bridesmaid…sooooo hahaha…long story short…my other best friend was her matron of honor as well, which i didnt mind, but now i am demoted to being just simply a bridesmaid. so i told her that i didnt even want to be in the wedding anymore because i was really hurt…i mean we had already started planning and buying stuff for her shower and stuff like that….i thought it was pretty messed up…and the funny thing is now, that her matron of honor who i still am very good friends with is now reconsidering if she wants to be in the wedding as well. hahaha…she is going to have no one in her wedding party and I DONT CARE!!! I think the moral of this story is that if you are in the position where you dont want your MOH to be your MOH anymore, try and resolve the problem before you go and just give up…because it does hurt feelings. And it could even ruin your friendship even more…I dont even talk to this girl anymore.
Post # 9
That is a tough thing. I have been going through the same thing, but just deciding if I wanted this friend in my wedding. We had a dissagreement, but she took it as a fight and stopped talking to me for 6 months. Out of the blue she contacts me and we’ve been talking again and hanging out. But it is not the same friendship anymore. She blows me off, doesnt call, cancels last minute and pretty much ignores me. Before she stopped talking to me there was no doubt in my mind that she would be my MOH, but now I dont think she will be in the BP at all. It sucks when a friendship that was really special to you morphs into something not so nice anymore.
If you dont want her as MOH anymore, I would tell her before it gets too late. If she decides that she doesnt want to be in BP anymore, maybe you could ask her to read something instead? Its going to be a hard thing no matter what you decide to do, but the most important thing is that you are happy on your special day. Friendship is important too, but it sounds like she is not being a great friend.
Post # 10
Well, I dont really care about the title. Can I let her keep the title but not ask her to do any MOH things? In this case, all that’s left (since she’s skipping everything else anyway) is who stands next to me during the ceremony and who stays with me the night before the wedding.
Basically, since she’s been so unwilling to do anything…and has been so defensive + attacking when I tried to address it with her, I don’t think there’s any resolution. When a person is arriving at 7PM on the day of the rehearsal, and then tells you that it’s your fault she can’t come to it b/c you’re holding it to early, I feel that they’ve more or less abdicated the right to demand special treatment. I guess she was expecting us to stand out there in the dark?
My biggest fear is that if I tell her she’s not standing next to me or staying with me on the night before, she’ll get all pissy and make the w/e a nightmare for me. I might try to lean on the friend who’s not an attendant to help in this case. Would it be terrible to write her a letter explaining to her that I care about her, and am excited that she’s coming out. But her high levels of stress are really wearing on me and I’d feel better getting a night of sleep before getting married? I can’t talk to her about this again, she was horrible last week when I tried to bring it up. And I’m too close to the wedding to deal with that stress.
Post # 11
I think a letter would be a great idea. I know you mentioned that she is getting huffy because she wants to stay with you at your place the night before the wedding. Can you find her another place to stay at a family members house? I dont think that you should HAVE to have her stay with you if your wish is to be alone the night before.
Post # 12
- Wedding: November 2009 - Cathedral of the Sacred Heart & The Jefferson Hotel
Unfortunately I know how you feel. Some people will say work on it, some people will say just give up, but you just have to do what is right for you, and your wedding day. Obviously some may not agree with this, but you do not want to look back at your wedding and think that one person really made a negative impact on your day, especially you maid of honor. When it came to my situation I really had to take the fact that she was in my wedding party out of the problem. Is this someone you feel like you should even be friends with anymore? If you feel like she is walking on you probably not. This is where I was, and sometimes you have to walk away. It just may take a wedding to bring out the reality of a friendship.
I would attempt a letter though. Thats what I did, and I got my answers. At the end of the day I knew I did what I could and could live with myself with the way things ended up. Good luck though, I know its hard!
Post # 13
i have been having the same issue with my MOH, and its terrible. we were so class last summer when i got engaged and asker her to be my MOH, then over the fall and spring with school and such she just wasnt being a good friend. she doesnt call, or return my calls or texts, we barely talk and barely hang out but shes planning my entire jack and jill party in 2 weeks and i feel as if i cant say anything to her about it since she is doing the j and j and the wedding is next month so i do not want things to be awkward. for me i realized that instead of focusing on how i wish we were so close again, im going to focus on my fiance and the the other great friends i have which happen to be his best man and groomsman! i cant spend time being frustrated about her and also my other matron of honor all not being there for me, i can just focus on being happy and enjoying this wedding planning and time with my future hubby and family. when i see her at wedding stuff i will be happy of course but after the wedding is over im ready to close the chapter of our friendship for good, even though for the last month or so i have stopped trying to reach out to her. when fall sememster starts i plan on trying to meet some new people that are more mature and ready for a friendship in which both people are equally giving and taking.! thought anyone?
Post # 14
First of all, I just want to come over and hug you!! I’ve been reading through what you’ve been dealing with. I can’t say I can totally understand, since my trials and tribulations were not the same but I undertand your emotional stress you’ve been going through.
I think at this point with the wedding so close, I would have to agree with xxojenneroxx. You can’t take the negative, that’s a given, no bride should as she has lots to deal with already. But you can focus your attentions on what’s good and positive around you. My parents were unsupportive of my Mr. and they kept bringing negative comments that I "am making the worst decision of my life". To handle that, I would in the end just focus on the fact that I had a loving/supportive future husband (at that time) and that I’d be welcome in his family with open arms.
I think this is the best route so that you don’t have an awkward time at your wedding day, you want to be comfortable with your surroundings. If you can, just forgive her for being a bad friend and after the wedding, move on in separte dierections. Goodluck!
Post # 15
Aww, I’m really sorry. I wanted to comment because I remember your other posts about this situation, and I really wanted to send my happy thoughts your way.
I think it sucks, but while planning a wedding, it seems you really find out who your real friends are. I’ve known so many people who’ve lost good friends while planning their wedding, or being in someone else’s because they realized the other person just didn’t care, or their true colors come out. You never expect it to happen, but it does. It’s happened to my fiance as well, so I know first hand how awful it is.
Since your wedding is so close, I’m sure you realize that unless she drops out, you should keep her in the wedding. But just try to ignore her as much as you can to stay happy on these days leading up to your wedding. After that, you might want to consider taking a break from her for a while. If she’s not willing to be your "therapist" then it’s a one-way street with her, and probably always will be, which isn’t a good relationship, as you know.
Post # 16
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Like many other people, I had a friend like that as well. Initially, I just brushed off her behavior because I kept thinking to myself that things would get better after she moved away from home. That turned into ‘things will be better once she graduates’ then ‘things will be better once she gets a job’. After at least seven years of her being negative and not showing any interest in a two-way friendship, I realized that I just had to accept that this was the type of person she had become, one which would always find something to nitpick about her life. I realized that by always offering her sympathy and acting as her therapist I was enabling her misery. Hopefully, your friend won’t turn out like that but it may be a good idea to accept that this may be the way she is. I don’t think you can do much about your wedding without completley losing the friendship but hopefully you have other wedding party members who are more supportive.