(Closed) Sad/hurt.. Not sure what to do with my best friend of the last 13 years

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Oh honey, weddings and money bring out the worst in us all….reading everything you wrote, it’s clear you are just so frustrated and tired with this situation when all you really want to do, is look forward to your wedding, which will be wonderful!

Your friend and can do or say whatever she likes, as long as you know that you did everything you could to make being a part of your wedding affordable, and as simple as possible, your obligation has been met.

Taking inventory of her faults and rehashing all of the things that could have gone wrong, benefits you nothing, and it takes this special and exciting time away from you, don’t allow that to happen.

I’m so very sorry that such an old and seemingly devoted friend has failed to meet your needs, but that is not your problem, she’s an adult and hopefully she can find a way to get this sorted out that is not a burden on you.  If not, your wedding will be beautiful and special regardless, and worrying about it, changes nothing.

Call your friend, be very clear about what you are willing to do and leave the rest up to her, if she starts in on a tirade about this being your fault and money’s tight…let her finish what she’s saying and calmy remind her that this is the best you can do, since we’re so close to the date and financial and time constraints do not allow you to do anything further….it’s hard to argue with someone who refuses to argue, isn’t it?

Good luck to you dear!

 

Post # 5
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Janaic88:  Bless your heart, I just hate to see ladies upset, especially during what’s already an emotional and stressful time….but thank you just the same!

Post # 6
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh, I’m so sorry you are going through this. My situation is similar, although not quite the same. My sister is my matron of honor and she lives in Arizona while I live on the east coast. As wedding planning progresses, I am finding out that FI and I will have to drive 2 hours to the airport to pick her up the night before my wedding and she will be staying with us for a few days until we have to take her back. Now, I don’t mean to complain, but I will have so many other last minute things to worry about (FI and I both have family that will be driving 1+hours to attend the rehearsal dinner AND wedding) I am not enjoying the idea of leaving to pick her up. Not only that, but we hoped to have a honeymoon. I’m not sure how work schedules will work out to allow us to spend a few days with my sister AND THEN do something small and nice for a honeymoon. We will be her only transportatioin while she is here because she doesn’t want to use a rental car.

This sounds very petty to say, but I get upset because since we have such a small budget, we’ve really had to improvise and get people we know to help us with the details of our wedding. I can just see that this could get very complicated very quickly.

Didn’t mean to dump my problem on you, but it was a long-winded way of trying to say: Do what you can and be okay with that. Don’t beat yourself up about this. You have given her a very long time to prepare and the dress was very affordable. If she is unable to attend, just take comfort in knowing you did what you could to have her there. I do hope things work out because you two have such a history, but please don’t feel guilty because she hasn’t made it a priority to prepare for your wedding. I firmly believe that when you accept an invitation to be IN someone’s wedding, that also comes with responsibility.

Goodluck on your big day!!!!

Post # 7
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Nona *always* has the best responses!

http://apracticalwedding.com/2010/01/you-guys/

I think the OP has been incredibly reasonable.  It’s very *unreasonable* that the friend has agreed to something that she could not responsibly accomplish.

Post # 9
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Janaic88:  Sounds like you are all done then…she’s got her own life to contend with and talking isn’t going to change the way this is…you let that go and shift focus to the amazing things that are going on right now!

Post # 10
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Janaic88:  Depending on when her flight is, we will either have to leave the dinner to get her or if we have to get her and make it to the rehearsal on time. We will see. However, we only have one car so that’ll be fun. I don’t want to be rude because flights are pricey, but I’m hoping to find a polite way to ask her to entertain herself for a little while so FI and I can enjoy our newlywedded-ness. lol.

Post # 11
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Aww, honey, I’m sorry to hear all this.  I went through something similar.  I didn’t initially ask SIL to be in the bridal party, and heard through the grapevine that her feelings were hurt.  So, I asked her.  From that point forward, she showed her ass completely.  First, she couldn’t afford her BM dress (she makes double what DH makes and her only bill is a phone bill and car insurance).  So, MIL had to buy her dress.  I bought her shoes and jewelry.  Our wedding was on the coast, which is a four-hour drive.  SIL frequently travels to the area where we got married for vacation.  About three times in the month before our wedding, SIL traveled to the area.  A week before our wedding, MIL gets a text from SIL saying that she and my nephew (both in bridal party) will not be attending because she can’t afford it.  I was PISSED!!!  She’d been down there THREE times in a month, and had known to prepare for our wedding for a year.

Anyway, MIL, the eternal sucker, offered to finance half of SIL’s trip.  We found a cheap condo for her.  That wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t oceanfront.  She literally said that.  Then, she wanted a car rented (she has her own, nice vehicle).  The demands were just outrageous!  I was so sick over it, I wanted to cancel my entire wedding.  Everybody was getting a free trip out of the deal.  I ended up finding out that SIL actually had a free place to stay, all along.  She just didn’t think it was good enough for her tastes.  Well, MIL ended up telling her to basically eff off, thank God! 

She came, but she was a total bitch the whole time.  Showed up late to the rehearsal, refused to attend the dinner (had to get back to boyfriend), started major drama between me and relatives, left my wedding reception after ten minutes and did not say goodbye.  She didn’t even come to my bridal shower, nor did we once receive a gift.

Honestly, I wish I’d just let her drop out of the wedding, altogether.  I know this was long, but my point its, don’t over exhaust yourself and your resources on your “friend.”  Her attitude will not be any different during the events, and it WILL put a damper on your time.  Do not pay for her plane ticket and hotel.  Do not drive to get her and drop her back off.  Just let it go.  If she wants to be there, she’ll end up being there.

Post # 13
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Sorry you are going thru this. My best friend did the same thing. She was all excited as soon as I got engaged then dropped out of the wedding via text on the anniversary of my fathers death (an already emotional day) Her reason? I talked about my wedding to much! We haven’t spoken since November. I am still angry and hurt over it all. But I feel releaved in a way because she was just adding stress to what is supposed to be one of the happiest moments in my life. I hope all works out for you.

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