(Closed) Sad…I think I need to call it off.(sry LONG)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2010 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You sound so sweet and so troubled.

I don’t mean this in a hurtful way, why would you rush into such commitment so early?! Why didn’t you take time to get to know each other and see if you were compatible before embarking on this route?!

As for advice, I would at the very least postpone and separate these two issues.  Figure out what is going on with your FI and then what the true feelings are for this friend.  

My gut tells me the feelings from the friend are found where the holes are in your current relationship.  But I would stop making hasty decisions now.  You’re young and have time to be dating, engaged, married and a mom.  With the right person.

Post # 4
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee

You definitely need to at least postpone the wedding.  You certainly don’t want to get married, have a baby and then discover that you’re not “in love”.  It will cause you and your potential child(ren) misery and complicate your lives.   The sooner the better.

Post # 5
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

 

I also enjoy the little things that mke a relationship special..like going for walks together or watching the sunset..he hates walking anywhere and when i ask to go for a walk hes like for what?… Im not trying to make him out to be a cold kind of guy, hes very loving in his own way. Just not romantic at all. Im just afraid i will always be craving the affection down the road.

We talk about it but he always say he will do whatever it takes to make me happy, and i try to explain that its not him, its me.

It sounds you two could both read the love languages book. In your own words there are things your FI could do to improve on to communicate with you how much he loves you. There are likely something’s that you could work on as well because you’re not really telling him the truth.

I think right now your college friend is just a scapegoat. If you don’t want to be with your FI, even if he (and you) work on your relationship then I would end it. Sometimes we do dangerous things like crushing on random dudes to feel some excitement in our lives. Like the thrill of a new love.

Talk to your man, buy a copy of the 7 love languages for both of you to read and take a trip to a marriage counselor.

Post # 6
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Take this other guy out of the equation– you can’t really evaluate your relationship if you’re thinking about someone else.  

My FI is more reserved than I am, but he’s also silly sometimes.  I did once date a guy who made me feel childish and immature instead of fun and happy– but your FI doesn’t sound like he means to make you feel bad?  Do you want more spontaneity?  Can you give your FI clear examples of how you’d like him to act, so that he can try to do certain things? (Say, tell him “I’d like it if you kissed me in public.” or “I’d like it if we could tickle each other.”)

Post # 7
Member
1026 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

“I want that cant eat, cant sleep romantic kind of love. and i dnt think this is it.”

This stood out for me. I don’t think many people stay in this kind of love for very long… it’s hormones and the excitement of being with somebody new. Relationships change as people get to know each other more and I think sometimes people may just think that it’s not normal and then seek out that honeymoon phase with somebody else. Right now the other guy probably seems really exciting, it’s a rush to think about being with somebody new. But I would ask yourself if this is maybe a “grass is greener on the other side” situation. If you got together with the other man, you might feel the same way as you do with your Fi in two years. 

No guy is perfect. Your Fi sounds like he would do anything to make it work including changing. This is a huge thing. He sounds like a great catch. I think you owe it to him to at least try to work on it, with the other guy completely out of the picture. Because at this point, the relationship with the other man could be emotional cheating, and your Fi doesn’t deserve that. 

It’s hard to know if it’s just cold feet or your really incompatable. I think it’s great that your thinking about this now instead of just going through with the wedding because of all the pressure put on you. I think you might need time to figure things out…. My advice is not to give up on your Fi. Postpone the wedding, cut all contacts with the other guy, maybe go see a couples therapist, try to make it work. If it doesn’t work, at least you would know that you tried everything and your decision would be made in a much more clear state of mind. 

Post # 8
Member
6260 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Have you tried talking to FI about all of this?

If you don’t love someone, you don’t love them. But it sounds like until just a little while ago, things were fine. The complaints you’re having about him remind me of some of the women in “Marry Him.” I don’t agree with everything Gottlieb says in that book, but she’s right about one thing, and that’s that women will sometimes leave perfectly good men who love them and want to make them happy, for excitement and short-lived chemistry. 

The chemistry won’t last with this new guy, either. If you two do end up together, there will come a point where you’re wondering where the passion went. It’s always temporary. Does that mean he’s not a better match for you? I don’t know. But it doesn’t sound like your FI is doing anything wrong. It sounds like he is just being himself, same as he has always been, and you’re just either getting cold feet or getting bored. You at least owe him a good conversation about all of this. It sounds like he loves you, and I bet if you gave him a chance, he would do what he could to make you happy.

If it still doesn’t work, maybe he isn’t the right guy. But if you give him up, and later on things don’t work out with the new guy and you can’t seem to find a prospect nearly as good as ex-FI, you may regret throwing away something that wasn’t broken that badly to begin with. I’m not saying “settle”…but I am saying sometimes it’s worth trying to fix what you have rather than starting over.

Post # 10
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

When I met my current FI (together 4 years), I was deciding if I was going to leave my then husband and he (my current FI) was engaged – not exactly the best situation. I knew FI was a great guy for 2 reasons: 1) He left his fiance based solely on the fact that he had feelings for me (We did not progress with any physical relationship before he left his fiance) and 2) He gave me the time and space I needed to make a decision about my now ex-husband. These are both very important things to consider when making a decision like this. 

Now, with that being said, there is absolutely no reason for you to settle. After 4 years, FI still gives me that can’t eat, can’t sleep, passion that people say doesn’t last very long (sure, we fight and have our moments, but my love and passion for him has never faded). FI knew that he shouldn’t stay in a relationship in which he was capable of having such strong feelings for someone else. I, too, strongly believe that when you have found “the one,” feelings for other people just don’t happen.

I’m not saying you have to leave your current FI. However, if you knew he was having similar feelings, would you want him to stay? 

Post # 11
Member
953 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m pro-chemistry. I have had the butterflies many a time. Sometimes it goes away, sometimes it really doesn’t. With my fiance, it has not. He is 800 miles away from me right now preparing a place for me to join him, and I am a total insomniac. I hardly sleep or eat at all. I love him, I lust over him, I look at his sweet face and dream of having his children. He is my hero, my best friend, and he drives me crazy.

I have actually had more than one friend just like your friend from college. Guys who there was obviously tension with, who I would keep in touch with and have deep meaningful conversations with over the course of years but also were never meant to go anywhere (which is why they never climaxed.) One guy I ended up sleeping with a few times, fell out of touch with and never really fell back in. He was good for a movie night and backrubs/venting about life from time to time but that got old. He still “pokes” me on facebook from time to time even though I’ve deleted him, lol. Another one I had a deep emotional connection with and had a huge crush on for years. We communicated even after he moved cross country and he casually tried to talk me into moving where he did. We flirted a lot but the fact that neither one of us could really make something happen or talk about “what if..” eventually bored me. Don’t get me wrong I still wonder about him to this day but obviously there was a reason we were so indecisive. Another guy did talk about “what if..” all of the time although he had a girlfriend. Still he talked about it when he married her, and after she had his kids. He had really low self esteem, and although I adored him and tried to keep it like a brother/sister relationship I still found myself feeding into his fishing for compliments/hypothetical answers so I let that one go too. The reason that my FI is way better than all of those guys is the fact that I couldn’t stay away from him. If the guy was that great of an interest he wouldn’t disappear for long stretches of time and “come back” to you, he would just be there.

That being said your FI doesn’t sound like he’s everything you want either. I have been there before. It is my strong belief that, although there will be a few guys to give you serious butterflies, there will be one that will stand apart, that you would forsake all others for. Settling for less is not fair to you or him, no matter what he says. 

Post # 12
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with a previous poster’s suggestion to read The Five Love Languages.  You need to decide if you are in love with him or not…are you having thesed doubts because your emotional needs aren’t being met, or are you having doubts because you never really loved him in the first place?

Also, unless and until you break things off with your FI, you need to break off ALL contact with Other Guy.  And do NOT walk down the aisle until you and FI are capable of keeping each other’s “love tank” full.

Post # 14
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@UndercoveBride1234: I honestly have no idea what is the right decision for you and I really wish you the best of luck and I know how difficult this situation must be. But, I want to add just one more thing that I wish someone would have told me when I was going through this:

Do you know that feeling you have when you wake up from a (day or night)dream about the “other guy” and want to just go back to “sleep?” That feeling that you have in your dream can exist in real life. I still have (night)dreams about exes, but when I wake up, there is no greater feeling then breathing a sigh of relief because I’m with my current FI and things could not be better (even in my dreams).

I don’t know if you can relate, but if you can, it’s something I wish someone would have shared with me. 

Post # 15
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with pps over the love languages but it also sounds as if you’re disenchanted with the whole relationship. You don’t mention anything that you think is amazing about your partner. Think carefully about why you guys are together. What do you love about him? It’s ok to just decide that there isn’t enough there to keep you. Your FI doesn’t have to have done anything wrong to be the wrong man for you. It sounds like you’ve made your mind up to go and are just not sure how to do it, hence falling for another man, which at least gives you the “but we are in love” justification. Don’t feel bad about deciding that you’ve moved on, if you do decide that. You have to be honest with yourself.

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