- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
I’ve been reading Weddingbee (especially the waiting thread) for the past few months and have really enjoyed hearing everyone else’s experiences and reading all your thoughtful advice. I’ve never posted before, but my SO and I just had a huge fight and I could really use some help. This is long, so thanks for reading.
The back story: My SO and I have been together for more than 8 years (!!). We met my freshman year of college and his junior year and have been dating ever since. We’ve made it through ups and downs, long distance, traveling, living together in a foreign country, and crazy family drama. He is my best friend and my favorite person to spend time with. Usually we’re totally on the same page and we talk about being a “team.” Both of our parents have been married for 30+ years and almost from the beginning we’ve talked about getting married and having kids and were (I thought) on the same page about where our relationship was headed. About 2 1/2 years ago, I began to feel like I was ready to get married and I found out that I might have fertility problems, so we sat down and made a tentative timeline for getting married and having kids. On that timeline, we agreed to get married this summer (2012).
Which brings us to the present. We’ve been in a long distance relationship for most of the past year because of graduate school. We’ve both been crazy crazy busy with work and school and it was pretty clear that we probably couldn’t plan a wedding for this summer. In October we had another “timeline” discussion and agreed that we’d get engaged this year and married next June (2013). At Christmas, he told his whole extended family during dinner that we’d been ring shopping and he took my mom out to lunch one day in December and told her (he’d asked me not to tell her before). I honestly thought we might get engaged on New Years, Valentines, our anniversary, my birthday, all of which have come and gone. And we’re creeping closer and closer to next June, which is making me so stressed out.
Meanwhile, friends and family members, including some of his best guy friends and relatives who are younger than us, keep getting engaged. Every time I hear about someone else, its like getting punched. I’ve been lurking on weddingbee a lot, reading everyone else’s posts and monitoring the waiting thread, which has helped a lot. Its been a lifesaver in making me feel like I’m not alone and has helped me keep my increasingly desperate feelings about not being engage to myself, instead of taking them out on my SO (or so I thought).
Which brings us to tonight’s giant fight. It started because I’m graduating in May and he still has one more year of his program, so I’m looking at jobs in his city as well as in my current city (where the job market is better and we eventually want to end up). I’ve been clear for the past year, however, that I don’t want to move to his city unless we’re engaged or married. So I was asking about whether he thinks I should take a job that I’ve been offered here (something I think we should decide together) and it turned into a crazy discussion about engagement/marriage. He told me that all I can ever talk about is getting married and he’s so frustrated that it makes him not want to propose at all.
He’d never mentioned this before tonight, and I honestly try to never bring it up, but given where we are in our lives, it does come up a lot. 3 of my friends and 3 of his friends are getting married this summer, so we’re going to 6 weddings and have been doing a lot of buying presents, planning travel and going to bachelor/bachelorette parties. When it does come up naturally, I thought it was good for us to talk about it sometimes to make sure that he knows that I’m ready and give him a little push, since I know its hard for him to get motivated sometimes (like when he had to apply to grad school). We almost never fight, and I am stunned about how not on the same page we are about this. I honestly cannot believe that he just told me a)I talk about it all the time, when I try really hard NOT to do that and b) that he doesn’t even want to propose now !! I feel like I’ve been so patient (for 8 years!) while we both grew up and I don’t think it is crazy to want to be engaged and married, especially if we want to start trying to have kids in two or three years (since it might take a while/need medical intervention).
After spending the last 20 minutes hysterically crying and texting my friends and my sister to see if any of them are still awake to talk to me, I decided that maybe some of you could help. How can I make waiting less torturous? Should I try to talk to him about this again and how hurt I feel or just drop it entirely for the next few weeks? Should I continue to look for jobs in his city or take one that I’ve been offered here? Any other advice? Honestly, am I deluding myself in thinking that he really will propose? Any other bees who’ve been with their SO for a long time and can tell me that it will be ok? Do you think we should try to go to couples’ counseling?
Any advice or comments would be very much appreciated. Thanks, ladies!