Post # 1
Please don’t let this be a landmine post.
I’m curious to hear everyones thoughts on being a SAHM and divorce.
Specifically, giving up your life and earning potential to drive carpool and then facing divorce. Potentially in this situation you would have little to no “personal” money or work history and would be challenged with building your life all over half way through.
Does this thought scare you if your goal is to be a SAHM, does it make you thankful that’s not your goal, do you have a plan if this were to happen?
Am I making sense?
Post # 3
@axeyourmakeupkit: I have two friends who are SAHM’s who are getting degrees by going to Saturday school and/or night school once their husbands are home. They will never admit it to their husbands, but it is to build a safety net for them if something did happen.
I am a working mom, but definitely not anti-SAHM. Just wanted to share what a couple of my friends are going through!
Post # 4
SAHM here (at least was until 2 months ago). I have a college degree and am able bodied, so I can work. If fi and I ever did split up, I can take care of my own. It’s scary being a single mom, working or not.
Post # 5
@axeyourmakeupkit: I believe it makes sense to put it in writing–prenup style–that if one partner gives up his or her earning potential to run the household, that person will be compensated in the event of divorce (let’s say for x amount of years, or even forever, esp if there are kids you both must continue to raise, or if this person is now 55 and the last time they were in the marketplace was 35 years ago.)
Being a SAHM or dad is a full time job. In other words, sacrificing career trajectory for the family warrants being compensated for the money one would be making had they not, IMO.
This is not to say the stay at home person wouldn’t try and find work, especially if the kids are grown. It’s just a way to recognize the sacrifice that this peson made by staying home.
Post # 6
Honestly, it doesn’t really worry me that much. If it’s just me, I can probably manage on my own, even if I’m just scraping by. If there are kids involved, FI is the kind of guy who will make sure that his own kids never want for anything and I don’t think he’d argue about child support payments or anything of the sort. If I were marrying someone who had a tendency to hold a grudge or feel very vengeful when wronged, then I would worry, but I would mostly worry that the kids would be collateral damage.
Post # 7
just marking my place to come back to this thread. I’m interested in people’s thoughts on this.
I don’t plan on being a SAHM ever but DH was raised by a SAHM who went throught a nasty divorce. I won’t go into the details but I’ve never agreed with how she handled the situation after the divorce.
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
The mother of one of my closest friend was a SAHM until her husband cheated on her, left her, and got remarried. She had only her high school diploma. Luckily, she had support from her own parents and was able to go back to school part time and slowly get an education degree so she could teach. Her children grew up with a lower middle class lifestyle (only thanks to child support for a while) while their half-brothers lived an upper middle class life.
When this friend was herself on the verge of getting married, her mother was very distressed that she (my friend) decided to cut her graduate school career short and not become a professor (her dream prior to meeting her now husband) because their (really, his) vision for the future was that he would be a rich lawyer and make enough to support the family so she could be a SAHM. Her mom fear the same thing happening to her daughter that happened to her. So far, so good, and I hope it stays that way, but I would encourage any woman who actually does want a career, even if she is willing to interrupt it for a time to be a SAHM, to make sure that she sets herself up for that and doesn’t end up relying on a spouse who could leave her or die unexpectedly.
Post # 9
@mrsSonthebeach: one time when I was about 20 and working my first real 9-5 job I joked to my mom that maybe I should just be a SAHM, (I had an insanely rich bf at the time so that would have been very possible). My mom flipped out on me and had the same reaction that your friend’s mom did. My mom is not a SAHM and my parents are not divorced but she went on and on how that would be a major mistake. I think it’s a very real concern that mothers/parents have for their daughters.
Post # 10
I always wanted to be a SAHM, but I knew that living in San Diego, it wasn’t really a viable option for me unless I wanted to specifically seek out someone with some serious money. I ended up going into Medical Coding as my compromise! After training time, I get to work from home. I get to make as much, if not more, than nurses, and I get to have a flexible schedule from home. Soooo, when I have my kids, I get to do a lot of SAHM things and still make money. Plus, I figured IF anything ever happened, I’d be more than capable to take care of myself.
I’d love to just be a SAHM someday, but I found my compromise and I LOVE my work 🙂
Post # 11
My moms number one rule is Always be able to support yourself. That doesnt mean always work, but always keep the skills, network etc to be able to.
EDIT: my mom was married until I ws ten to my dad, but even still she was essentially a single mom, and then she really was a single mom. He dissappeared. That straight A, intelligent fun loving person everyone loved ended up being an alcoholic with mental problems years later. No one could have predicted it. Things happen. We have to be prepared. Thats a lesson my mom learned the hard way.
Even if we think our DH is the worlds best person, you never know what circumstances will land you single and without money. Bankrupcy, a lying husband you trusted until you found out the truth, a death without a lot of insurance. Or simply having to support two households is expensive (IE child support, alimony) and it may not be as easy as one things and prenups mean nothing if there is nothing to split.
Its always best to have some sort of plan. Volunteer in an area of interest, keep up with your industry news. Keep in contact with old coworkers. etc.
Post # 12
@ThreeMeers: My mom is the same way and tells me the exact same things.
My parents were married for almsot 20 years, and my mom was in her late 40s when they divorced. That was nine years ago. My mom barely had a high school degree and only a few years of work experience. She has back problems that prevent standing or sitting too long, and her mind is… unique and thus she can’t think very fast or well. 9 years later and she still can’t support herself very well. She works 50+ hours a week as a caretaker and barely makes ends meet, she has no idea what she’ll do. She is a licensed massage therapist but she injured her thumb and can’t do it too much, or too many in a row. She was never able to live off that.
It kinda scares me; I also think that I want to have a degree and profession not only if something happens between FI and I, but also what if he dies or something unspeakable like that? Same situation. I would LOVE to be a SAHM and commend them but I simply can’t with what I’ve come from. We spent too many years getting food from the food pantry and not getting to buy clothes. I’m currently getting my master’s degree and plan on working at least until I have babies, then I plan on taking time off. Hopefully.
Post # 13
I personally would never be a stay at home mom for a list of reasons.
But, I’ve had a few friends and clients who dealt with their fathers leaving their mothers after 20, 30 and most recently 44 years of service to their families/husbands. In every single case, the woman was in a panic of how to re-enter the workforce with any level of success.
Some of these lovely women are educated but had a hard time finding jobs due to age or experience or were not able to make enough on their own due to lack of experience.
With the divorce rate so high and so many people jumping into marriage I wonder how this issue is handled in the relationships and how it impacts those who really want to spend their lives as stay at home moms.
I love reading everyone’s thoughts on the subject!
Post # 14
@axeyourmakeupkit: It’s so true, it’s super scary how high the rate of divorce is and how many people I know who want to be stay at home moms. Nothing wrong with that at all, it’s just I took a class about families and family structure, and lots of sources were talking about how in today’s world, any given family needs both parents working to support it successfully. Honestly even if I was going to be a 24/7 stay at home mom, I’d get certification or higher education in SOMETHING, maybe something that could be done part-time or at home to keep up some kind of experience if anything happens (divorce or otherwise). You never know what might happen and I wouldn’t want my kids to suffer. I’m still in school and haven’t seen much of the world but I’m getting an idea that it’s a crazy world out there!
Post # 15
@axeyourmakeupkit: This happened to my mom. She had a degree, sacrificed her earning potential etc. for my sister and I, and then my father left us.
She had to do more school, had to work crap jobs (she even delivered newspapers to make ends meet). FINALLY, thirteen years later, she has a good, permanent job.
This is only half of the story (it gets worse) but yeah, this is the reason why I wouldn’t want to be a SAHM.
The worst part is that my parents had no money… my father squandered it all. She had no settlement. They were married for almost 30 years.
Yeah this is an extreme case.. but it can and does happen!
Obviously it’s not as bad if there was money in the marriage… but my mom was screwed.
Post # 16
My mom was a SAHM for my sister and I. However, she did have a degree and worked before we were born so I guess she could have gone back to that if they had ever split up. But they just celebrated their 32nd anniversary last week!