Post # 1
This post is probably going to make me sound like a mega bitch but I need to vent anyway.
MIL will call/text me every single day. I work full time and she will sometimes message me 2 or 3 times to ask when she can call, so I call her thinking it is something urgent and she wants to talk about her other son’s new haircut for 20 minutes. She calls me to see how DH is, she calls me to try and plan dinners/outings with DH and she just calls for no reason to chat.
This weekend she called me 2 times on Friday, texted another 2 times, called 7 times on Saturday and sent 3 texts, all to see if we wanted to come to breakfast on Sunday morning. I kept telling her to ask DH as I hadn’t spoken to him about it, but she kept messaging me instead. As it turns out DH wanted to stay at home and sleep in, so he told her that we would give it a miss this weekend. She pulled the guilt trip that she wanted to see us etc but DH was firm and said no. Then we went out to get groceries at lunch time, and DH gets a text to say she was just at the house but we weren’t home. Who just shows up when its been made clear we wanted time to ourselves?? It makes me super nervous for when I am at home with bub cause I know she will want to come over all the time and if I say no she will just show up anyway.
I am 37 weeks pregnant and starting on maternity leave at the end of the week, and she has planned soooo much stuff to do on my time off. All I want to do is lay on the lounge and relax before bub is here, is that so unreasonable??
So other bees with a MIL that lives close, how did you enforce boundaries? And how often do you see your MIL? Does she randomly show up?
I should note that she has been invited to our place every Thursday for dinner so we see her AT LEAST once a week and her 25 year old son still lives at home with her so its not like she is all alone. Plus she works 5 days a week so she isn’t just sitting at home all day.
Post # 2
I’m nowhere near being a stay at home mom but my inlaws in general show up at awkward times DH and I currently live with his aunt, so we can’t control when she asks them to come over (which is too often for our liking) and even though we see them for dinner almost every Sunday they still show up randomly and call a lot. It drives me crazy, especially as Sunday has become the only day that any of my friends ever has time to spend with me, and I always have to cut it short for my inlaws.
They have 4 more kids, one of whom works 2 jobs right now. Since we live much closer to his work than they do, he shows up at random times of the night and day when he finishes his shifts and tries to get us to give him rides. Yesterday he woke us up by knocking onour bedroom door, asking for a ride. What if we had been having sex? Later the ENTIRE family showed up with no warning, asking to use our computer. Again, what if we had been wanting privacy?
Post # 3
I feel your pain. I am on Mat leave right now and they are always wanting to come by or stopping by or texting or calling. I wish I didn’t have a cell phone so I wouldn’t be so accessable. To make it worse if I don’t respond because I am busy or my phone is on silent I promptly get a text or voice mail asking me to reply right away.
As time goes on it is getting easier to stand up for myself but aslo very hard with such pushy inlaws. Once you have the baby your momma bear will come out a bit. And I hope that makes it easier for you.
Post # 4
I’m sorry you are going through this. I could not even imagine my IL living so close. They are 2+ hours away. My mom is one mile away and I love it. ☺️
Sit down with DH first and talk about the issue at hand. Write down a list of examples like you did above. Keep emotion out and just state facts. Devise a plan of what you think would be reasonble. He needs to back you up on this. That is very important. Get together with her and DH to discuss the issues. Use a compliment sandwich: “we are so lucky that you live close by, you are in my face too much but I am happy you want to have a good relationship with me. ” It won’t be fun but you need to do this before the baby comes because that will amplify everything. Good luck! Be strong!
Post # 5
You have every right to have your space. I suggest you start setting boundaries now- you can do it in a polite, yet firm way. You can say, “I appreciate such and such, but I’m (tired, busy, etc).”
If you don’t set boundaries now, it will keep getting worse after the baby’s born.
Also, make sure your DH will back you up if need be.
My MIL doesn’t call all the time, but she does make comments sometimes about not seeing us enough if we don’t stop by as regularly as she’d like. We just ignore it and keep visiting whenever it’s convenient for us. I think the fact that DH and I are on the same page about boundaries really helps.
Post # 6
Oh that would be awesome.. MIL is 2 minutes away :\
DH is pretty on board, he finds her very exhausting to be around and doesn’t make a huge effort to see her (it was me that initiated the Thursday night dinner cause I felt bad that we were spending so much more time with my family). He does tell her we want space/don’t want to do anything but she just doesn’t listen and respect it. Like on Sunday, she was told that we were busy and wanted the day to ourselves, so she still shows up uninvited and gets upset when we aren’t home. Grr.
You are right with the compliment sandwich thing, I need to be more blunt about it.
Oh god that would be so frustrating! Hopefully you guys can get your own place soon and get some privacy. DH and I lived with his mum when we first started dating so we could save for our own place (I was 18 when we started dated, he was 28) and she would literally just open the bedroom door with no warning. She caught is having sex more times than I can count. We would even go so far as to take the door knob off so she didn’t just burst in so then she would put her face to the knob and talk to us. FFS lol, take a hint!
Fingers crossed things get better for you soon!
Post # 7
Evie19: Yeah that makes sense. As I said in the comment before, DH is on the same page as me, she just literally ignores what we say.. So I guess I don’t really know how to deal with that?
Post # 8
MrsMagillToBe: Maybe you could stop answering the phone when she calls and don’t respond to texts as a start. Also, if she stops by unexpectedly, you could let her know you’re sorry but it’s not a good time or you have other plans. If she is ignoring your statements, then you have to take it to the next step of not engaging at all.
Post # 9
Yeah thats not a bad idea 🙂 How would you deal when she just shows up uninvited/after we have said no?
Post # 10
I am a SAHM and my MIL lives about 10 minutes away. I make a point to visit her with my daughter about once every 10 days or so. We FB message every other day and I email her pictures 2 times a week or so. She always calls first if she wants to come over (about once a month). I think you need to set some boundaries with your MIL.