- 3 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I am a stay at home wife right now –not b choice.
I was fired from my last job- and I use the term”job” losely because while I had the same responsibiitiies as regular emlpoyee I could not get paid It’s a long story… ANway, because of some of those same
Reasons I am now unable to even look for a job at least for the next 3 months (immigration story, you guessed it!). Complicating things is the fact that I am a graduate student who is finishing her degree and therefore not able to apply to the next set of jobs until the fall…. So basically I am trapped at home.
I am supposed to be finishing my dissertation but have recently run into a lot of problems with the data and the project is on hold until I can get permission to access the next data set. If I don’t get that permission then my dissertation is over and I have to start a new one. IIt’s terribly anxiety provoking and depressing all at the same time.
My husband rarely asks about dissertation but when he does its things like “did you work on it today” “is it almost done?” “You need to just finish it” and “how much til it’s done” Girls, if any of you have been in grad school or worked on a dissertation you know that other than that first question it’s hard to answer… For me it bugs me that he sees everything as pass / fail. Did you work on it today? Pass? You didn’t? Fail. Not only does he expect me to be making strides in it (despite the fact that it’s on hold now) but I am also taking care of our two dogs, doing the vast majority of the housework, shopping, and cooking. If I do something wrong he points it out. I do thinks wrong a lot. For instance, today I put on the water filter on wrong. He brought it out to me in the living room to show me that it was wrong. I get it, I need to learn but I don’t feel his way is the best to teach me. When he leaves something out or does something wrong like leave his things out or not flush the toilet (gross) I just put it away or flush. No biggie. He takes pictures of what I do wrong to show me later. He used to be a private investigator and was just recently certified as a teacher after going back to school. I am a higher achiever but more relaxed at home. He is very much a perfectionist at home but more relaxed in his work environment. It’s fine. But not to him. I feel constantly criticized, judged, and evaluated by him.
I’m typing this at the local library because after he gave me the silent treatment all morning (after our dog kept him up barking at night –apparently because I don’t work it’s my job to wake up and pet her til she falls asleep –ummm I was ignoring the behavior to avoid reinforcing it! Then he called off work and got mad bc the dogs were barking at their usual potty time because he wanted to sleep in. Then got up and has been doing housework and ignoring me. I kept asking what was wrong and he got upset and finally asked “what do you even do all day!?!?” Well Bees, at this time it was noon and I had done pretty much my usual. I made the bed, caught up on emails, made breakfast for both of us, did 2 loads of laundry and was admittedly watching my favorite (and the only daytime program) I watch. Also, ironically he asked while munching on carrots I shopped for, peeled, and stored in a nice container for his snack.
I’m so frustrated. I don’t know how else to explain to him that I don’t feel supported by him. That I feel criticized and uneasy when I feel he is “monitoring” me. He says he can’t say anything to me because I get defensive –I do. We love each other but are struggling to communicate. Therapy is not an option. He won’t go. I’m a therapist (working to become a psychologist) and see a therapist every other week, have been for the past 5 years. I know I’m not the only one who is wrong…
How would you suggest I handle what I see as his “monitoring?”
What do I say when he checks in on my dissertation?
How can I stop from getting so frustrated when he points out something I did wrong?