SAHW frustrated by husband's "day off from work"

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

 

@HourThyme:  what about sharing with him some of your notes on your dissertation? If he sees youre making progress and excited about it, maybe he will back off. I often get to work from home and sit on my computer on the couch all day, and occasionally I watch TV while I work.  I am an IT developer, and staring at code for 8 straight hours would drive me insane.  In the office, I get up and walk around or surf the bee to get a break, but at home I watch TV instead. My FI commented that when I work from home it seems like I “dont do anything”.  I explained to him why I did what I did and showed him an example of what I do all day, and he understood. try not to snap and get defensive, because that just makes it look like you have something to be defensive about.

Post # 6
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Try reminding him (without being defensive and when he not asking you what you did all day) that you are not home by choice and you cannot wait until you can start applying for jobs.  Try discussing, or researching, some of the places that you plan on applying to when you will be done with school.

 

Explain to him your frustrations about your dissertation. Maybe he just doesn’t really how stressful and dissapointing it is right now that you might have to start all over again.  

 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

He takes pictures of what you do wrong to show you later??!??? WTF?!? I would NOT be ok with that… why can’t he just talk to you like a normal person? Definitely tell him how you feel and bring up what he does exactly that you don’t like and tell him why, and if he “doesn’t get it” I would drop him, no one needs that much controlling negativity in their life.  

Post # 9
Member
6960 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@HourThyme:  I’m a SAHF(iancee) right now not by choice!!! My main focus is finding a job, so when my FI gets home and asks how my day went I usually just say “fine” because explaining the same freaking process of checking email to see NO ONE contacted me, checking 5 employment boards, editing my cover letter to fit each of a dozen stupid ass jobs I’m overqualified for, sending my resume and then calling places that have no intention of ever contacting me is not fun. But then he starts to think I’m not doing shit. SIGH. So I tell him all my frustrations about it at least once a week now. It doesn’t really help me and I feel like a broken record, but I think it does help him to hear what is going on. 

I think making him read and reread edits and pieces of your work will help him, even if it doesn’t help you. I’ve helped two cousins and a godmother edit their dissertations and I know what a long, hard road it is! You have every right (and NEED) to take breaks to watch a show or just get out in the fresh air. Hang in there. He clearly just doesn’t understand. 

Post # 10
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

He sounds a bit controlling and I would be super aggravated about being “taught” how to do things the right way. Sometimes my FI will take on this teacher-tone and try to teach me things and it’s super annoying!

I hear you on the dissertation too. While not nearly as challenging as a dissertation, I’m working on a note for law review and would hate FI to check in with me as if I owed a duty to him to work on it according to his schedule. I already feel guilty if I miss a day to work on it! I don’t need him guilting me also. 

I’m sorry that I don’t really have advice for you. That’s a really tough situation to constantly feel monitored.

Post # 11
Member
5697 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

One big thing I see here is that your husband see’s it as his job to train you, and probably a lot of other people in his life, to his ways. You should not stop being upset by him correcting you, but help him to see and understand that everyone does things differently, and that his way is not “THE” way. Also that this is a partnership, sometimes you clean up after him, sometimes he cleans up after you. You are not a 10 year old child that needs to be taught. It’sone thing to teach you how to attach the water filter, it’s another to chastise you for it. And taking photo’s of your mis steps? COMPLETELy out of line.

Try making a list of “what you do all day” as in shopping for peeling cutting and storing those carrots you are enjoying so much right now. Maybe seeing written out how you spend your time, will make him feel less like you sit around all day. People seem to have a hard time seeing the forest for the tree’s.

Overall your husband is not treating you with respect. He does not respect that you are an adult that know’s how to handle your school work, and that you are doing the best you can regarding your dissertation. He’s not treating you as an equal partner. You should be straight forward with him regarding how he’s behaving towards you is making you feel. And that you feel defensive beacuse you feel like you NEED to defend yourself against him, as he is always making judgements and coming down on you. 

Post # 13
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@HourThyme: You’re going to have to be the calm and organized one about this. Write down everything you do in a day. Keep tabs on yourself. If he asks what you do all day, tell him. Calmly remind him that those carrots were lovingly cut by yours truly. While your acts around the house might be small, they add up!

Also, try to have a meeting each week about what you both want to accomplish for the week (as individuals and as partners)

When he shows you a picture of a mistake you made, you can calmly explain to him that the way he is approaching them is hurtful to you and makes you feel degraded as a human and as a wife. Let him know that if he continues to speak to you in that matter it will only continue to hurt your marriage.

As far as the dissertation goes, let him know that it’s on a hiatus and you are working. Tell him what you’ve edited for the day or the people you have emailed about it. Keep reminding him of your career choices. 

Bottom line: If you aren’t feeling respected and comfortable in your own home, you are going to have to talk to him about it. Hopefully, calmly so he can truly grasp the seriousness of the situation. It’s give and take. 

 

Good luck! ((Hugs)) I hope you two can work it out! 

 

Post # 15
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@HourThyme:  I just really wanted to add that I agree with the other pp’s. It’s not his job to train you. Nor is it his job to keep tabs on you. 

When he asks about the damn dissertation, tell him “I got everything possible done today”. Leave it at that. If he keeps asking, remind him that you are an adult and know how to manage your own time. 

 

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