Said Yes… Now Unsure?!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m sorry but if you can’t discuss future plans with your fiance, why would you consider marrying this person? Communication is key to a successful marriage. Personally I wouldn’t want to be with someone who discourages further education and advancement. You are young. You have PLENTY of time ahead of you for a mortgage and children. Work on your career goals if they are important to you. Marriage can wait. 

Post # 3
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

At the age of 21 you should be investing in yourself, not some boy.

Slack on investing in yourself now and you will pay for it the rest of your life.

 

Post # 4
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You need to bite the bullet and do what’s best for your career, tell him that, even though it will cause a fight, and could mean you losing him. But that’s his choice. If you do break up, better now than when there’s a house, wedding, divorce, kids, etc to contend with.

I feel like the age difference might be hurting you here. It makes it harder for him to relate to what you’re going through. You’re early 20s, he’s early 30s, that’s a big difference. And you were only 18 getting in a serious relationship with a 28 year old! I think that makes it hard to feel like you can make adult decisions independently. But it’s an important thing to be able to do, so just do it. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Alarae: Well if he’s 31 and acts like a child, that seems like a problem to me. When I was 20 I dated a 33 year old, and I’m so happy that we never got serious, because I too felt that old soul/child dynamic, and now I’m 24, and that sure as hell wouldn’t work for me now. I’m not trying to say that your relationship is doomed, I know practically nothing about it and it could have just been an unfortunate choice of words, I just want to make sure your eyes are open, because if you think he’s immature now, you don’t have any reason to believe that will change in 3 years. And long distance relationships are really, really hard. I have a hard time envisioning one working with a child-like man. 

Also, if you can’t be “selfish” about major life decisions such as doing what’s best for your career now, when the hell can you be? And I think this might be jumping the gun, you should be able to tell your FI that you’re going to apply for this opportunity, and if you do get offered a job that’s far away, you can have the big talk then, before you accept it.

Post # 8
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Alarae:  The question is, do you want to attend graduate school and possibly further your career? If this is a dream of yours, then I would definitely say go after it. Once you start working, get a mortgage, and other responsibilities, it is very difficult to go back to graduate school. You need to sit down with your FI and discuss your dreams and goals. If he cannot support them, then I think you need to think about the relationship and marriage.

Post # 9
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I don’t know if I have much advice about the relationship portion of your situation, but a few thoughts related to graduate school.  Graduate degrees aren’t always a path to a better paying, more secure future, of course depending on the field.  There are plenty of people with Master’s and Doctoral degrees in very low paying jobs, and jobs that aren’t in the field of their degree.  That’s not always the case, but is still reality for many people.  Not that I don’t think graduate degrees are worth it (I have a Master’s and am very happy I took the time and effort to go for it).  But, just make sure the field you are getting a graduate degree in is something that you really love.  If it’s just a means to a higher paying job, it may not pan out as well.  It takes a while to really start making decent money in most fields.

It also might be worth it to take a year or two before starting a graduate program.  I took a year off between undergrad and grad school, and it really helped me see what I wanted to be doing.  I think it also gave me a leg up on the other students who had less job experience.  I’ve seen a lot of students enter grad school directly after graduating, and some of them just weren’t ready in my opinion.  

However, just because that’s what I did doesn’t mean it will be best for you.  I’m just suggesting that you think carefully before going to grad school!  

Post # 10
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Alarae:  I completely understand how stressful worrying about the future can be, especially when you can’t totally do anything about it quite yet. It sucks. All you can do is have the hard conversations, and make the hard decisions, and worst of all, wait.

If you don’t pursue all your career options because of your FI, you could grow to resent him for it, and that’s arguably not a smaller risk than trying long distance. 

Post # 11
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

When I was 21, I chose getting married ahead of building a career.

25 years later, and I still count it as one of the worst mistakes I’ve ever made.  My marriage only lasted 3 years, but I was left with many problems – both financial and mental – which have meant that I haven’t been able to get to where I would have really wanted jobwise.

If the situation was reversed, I doubt he would consider giving up on his career.   Why should it be different for you?

Post # 14
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Alarae:  I’m in the UK as well.  I’ve also been in a LDR with my FI for nearly 4 years, because he has a well paid job in another city and cannot afford to take a £10K pay cut to move to my city (he’s in the south, I’m in the north).

When I got divorced at 24, I thought that was it for my romantic life, that no one would ever want me again, etc.  I could not have been more wrong, it was only the beginning.  But I do regret that I spent my late teens and early 20s in a serious relationship/marriage.  I missed out on a lot of things that most women do at those ages, and was dealing with stressful situations like divorce, losing my home etc at least a decade before I should have been.  

Definitely too much, too young.

Post # 15
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You will be investing in giving both of your futures the best possible chance of success. What if he has a horrible car accident? Or a stroke? Or a job loss through no fault of his own?  What about having that extra money to make it so you guys can really enjoy married life?  

Also – if he cannot deal with temporary separations with you (it’s not as though you could not spend time together on mutual days off) in order to let you be fulfilled… He is a clingy personality at best and quite possibly jealous and spiteful you may become the breadwinner.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors