Post # 1
I posted this about a month ago about BIL. Darling Husband and I are NOT planning on moving back there By The Way.
Darling Husband and I are going to visit his family for the holidays and he was planning on sitting his brother down and telling him that this girl has caused him more problems since he’s been with her. BIL really does listen to DH’s advice so he figured he’d be able to convince him to cut her loose.
BIL just got a phone the other day and informed us that his Fiance is 3 months pregnant. He’s not excited and I think he’s only with her b/c of her daughter. He’s in no rush to marry this woman either.
Darling Husband was shocked to say the least. The family isn’t happy either.
So I guess I have 2 questions:
1) Should Darling Husband support his brother in staying with her or tell him to concentrate on straightening out his life first so he can provide for his future child?
2) While my ILs constantly give BIL money for gas, food, phone, etc. we’ve never given him any money. Darling Husband wants to pay 1 payment of BIL’s car payment so it’s one less thing to worry about…however, BIL is at least 3 months behind and his car might be getting repo’d any day. How can we help him out financially…if at all? Should we?
Thanks for reading such a long post…I’ve known BIL for 3 years and honestly, I’ve never seen such a dramatic downward spiral for someone his age.
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Borrowing out money to friends and family rarely ends well. You are not responsible for his lack of responsibility in regards to his bills. If you do end up allowing him to borrow the money, then give with the idea that it may never be returned.
I wouldn’t rush him into a marriage with someone he may not want to be married to. It’s never a good idea to get married just because you think you have to. But I have to add that in some states an unmarried father has no right to visitation with the child absent permission from the mother or a court order.
It does sound like he has some major problems that need to be dealt with immediately and definitely before the new baby is born. Since I don’t know what those problems are I really cannot make any recommendations in regards to how to solve them. You all should continue to provide emotional support but it seems that the financial support is only allowing him to continue to live his downward spiraling lifestyle.
Everyone involved needs to take a step back and assess their role in enabling him in that lifestyle. Maybe the rest of the family should look into family counseling to see if there is anything else you all could provide him with (other than money) since at the very least he doesn’t seem to know how to properly manage money.
Post # 4
1. You guys are best to stay out of it.
2. I wouldn’t give him any money. He is an adult. FIL needed money and we begrudgingly loaned him money. He has defaulted, and I am seriously resentful. Don’t know how it will turn out, but not well.
Post # 5
Thanks for the comments. DH and I had talked about giving BIL money as a bday/Christmas gift with the intention of it never being repaid. I don’t want to give him cash b/c I don’t know what he’ll do with the money. He mentioned that his reduced rent at the apt is about $400 which is the same as a car payment….so we thought about paying the first month’s rent so he could get out of his living situation.
@beachbride1216: I agree with what you are saying about rushing him into marriage. It’s not going to make him love her if he doesn’t. I also hadn’t even thought about him not getting to see his baby if she leaves.
I don’t think he’ll leave her since her little girl is already excited about being a big sister. I’ve told Darling Husband not to mention the relationship to his brother at all and just concentrate on helping him figure out what to do next….he’s seriously depressed and has no motivation to change his situation at all. Like it is what it is and he’s stuck.