Post # 1
So my mother and a close friend of mine are planning a bridal shower for me. They are trying to keep most of it a secret, so I don’t know much about it – basically only that they’re planning it. I was asked for the addresses of my coworkers who I am inviting to the wedding because my mom wants to invite them to the shower.
Well at my work we always throw big bridal and baby showers for everyone, so I know that my time will come and I’ll be having one thrown for me at the office at some point. At my work basically the entire building (~250 people) is invited to showers, so they are really large and the majority of people aren’t invited to the person’s wedding. Anyway, is it really distasteful to invite coworkers to an outside shower when they will already be part of a shower at work?
The outside shower would only include coworkers who are actually invited to the wedding, but I feel like it might be rude to invite them at all… My mother insists that it isn’t and she is demanding the information, lol. What do you think? I wouldn’t expect gifts or anything, but I don’t want people to feel obligated or think I’m a grabby bride of some sort.
Post # 3
@adoc86: not every female invited to the wedding must be invited to the shower. are you friendly with her outside of work? do you want her at your outside shower?
let her make the decision if she wants to attend both or only your work one. maybe she will only bring a gift to the outside one and not the work one or vice versa. would it matter to you?
Post # 4
@ajillity81: Its about 8 females from work that would be invited. I am relatively close to them and would consider us all to be friends. I have gone to some of their housewarming parties and they came to mine. We have all gotten together on a weekend here and there for lunch, but I live an hour away from most of them though so I don’t hang out with them outside of work that often. I would like to have them there, but I guess I was just worried it might be offensive to invite them when they’re already attending the one at work. Maybe I’m overthinking this and should just invite them and let them decide like you suggested
Post # 5
@adoc86: If I were one of the women invited to the wedding, I’d have NO problem going to your shower…b/c 250 people isn’t all that intimate and I’d like to celebrate w/you personally. I say invite them and if they don’t want to come, they can easily decline.
Post # 6
Let them decide whether or not to come. I had the same issue for my daughter’s shower, and there were 4 women she worked with she wanted invited (they were also invited to the wedding). 2 of them came to the family shower, and the other 2 called and said they couldn’t make it but would be going to the work shower. Two brought small gifts to the shower, but for the work shower, they all usually chip in for a large gift or collect cash for a large giftcard. One also organized the work event, and they all decorated and brought in food. Her entire office is over 400 people too.
Don’t be disappointed if they opt to just do the one at work,tho. It seems to be pretty common.
Post # 7
@adoc86 I understand your dilemma. There are 2 sides to this – proper etiquette says all females invited to the wedding are automatically to be in invited to every shower. The other side is invite whomever you want. I have the same scenario in my office – only one lady coworker and her husband are invited to our wedding. We are keeping it very small and she is my closest coworker. I also know that she will be hosting an office shower for me and Fiance with all my coworkers (only 30 of us). My mom threw my shower a few weeks ago and asked who should be invited from work. I told her no one since they were throwing me a separate shower anyways. I didn’t want them to feel obligated to come to another shower or bring another gift.
It is your shower and if you want these special ladies to be there on a more personal level, then invite them. It doesn’t hurt to ask!
Post # 8
@GeorgiaBride5: Actually, not all females should be invited to the shower. Showers are for close family and friends, so why would women be invited that the bride has never met (like a co-worker’s spouse, or her cousin’s date for the night,etc).
Post # 9
Thanks ladies! I’ll just go ahead and tell her to invite them then!
Post # 10
You might just want to have a chat with them to let them know they’re not expected to give a gift to each. I wouldn’t mind attending two, but I would definitely mind if you expected double the gifts! If I were in that boat, I’d probably split what I spend so I don’t show up empty handed (ie. if I normally would spend $100, I’d do $50 for each party). In order for me to do that, I’d have to know I was invited to both though.
Post # 11
@ItWasntMe I think the etiquette rule is very old fashioned. Back in the days (way back), that’s how it went. I’m not saying I agree, but if you read an etiquette book that’s what it says. The parents threw the wedding as a celebration of their daughter getting married – they invited whomever they wanted since they were paying for it. It wasn’t common for women to work back then, so the coworker dilemma didn’t exist.
Post # 12
@adoc86: Yes, its rude to invite guests to more than one shower.
Its also rude to invite guests to a shower when they are not invited to the wedding.
Lastly, I absolutely loathe forced workplace celebrations like this. If I don’t know someone well enough to get them a gift on my own or be invited to their wedding, then I don’t need to be pressured to buy or chip in for a gift for them at work!
Post # 13
@adoc86: Unfortunately, your mother is wrong. It’s rude to invite people to more than one shower (with the exception of BMs, mothers, and grandmothers). Regardless of your intent, it looks gift-grabby. If you know you are having a work shower, I would not invite your coworkers to the shower your family is hosting.
However, you might be able to get away with inviting them to both showers IF you talk to each woman beforehand and explain that your mom wanted to invite them but they are certainly not obligated to attend both showers and bring a gift to both.
Post # 14
Your guys’ opinions pretty much coincide with what my initial thoughts were. I’m planning to pull them aside and just let them know the situation and that gifts are absolutely not necessary.
In regard to the work celebrations, well… my building loves throwing parties. Any excuse is excuse enough. A lot of the time people will just pitch in the $3 toward food and don’t even bring a gift. Everyone just wants to get out of work and eat the shower food, lol. Leading up to the superbowl we literally had a party everyday for 2 weeks!!
Post # 15
You are not supposed to invite people to multiple showers. They are meant for people in different circles.
Post # 16
When friends fall into overlapping circles, sometimes it happens. Just thank them when opening gifts at the second shower if they only brought a gift to the first shower. The expectation is to only bring a gift to one.