Post # 1
My boyfriend has just asked me to marry him. I was married once before and had a pretty dismal life with him, not at all the person he was before the wedding and he left me after 6 years completely out of the blue two days before Christmas when our baby was almost 5 months old. We separated and I quickly got back on my feet and realises I had a lucky escape and went on to become really settled, find my own place and enjoy every minute of raising my son alone. We have now been separated almost 2 years but only filing for divorce now due to trying to get myself back on track financially after he left me with a lot of debt.
I developed a new social life, got myself fit, focused on my little boy and began dating. I had a few relationships before meeting my now fiance. We are only going out 5 months but we click in the most fantastic way. He is brilliant with my little boy and spoils me rotten and Iv never been so happy. The other night he asked to marry me. He told my father he wants to take care of me and my son and for him not to worry that he’s not like my ex. He told me he has wanted this from the minute he met me but waited until now so as not to frighten me off. He said it does not feel proper until I am divorced and does not want to tell anyone and make it official until the divorce is finalised. We have picked a ring and he will pay it off and give it to me when I’m properly single, which will be around 9 months of dating.
We both have a little boy each, separate homes and settled careers and active social lives. We don’t plan to jump into the marriage and will move in together down the line for a few years before setting a date. Our children get on well.
i my told my mother of our plans and she said its a bad idea, I’m only out of a marriage and am making the same mistakes again. She doesn’t see why we are in a rush. We are not in a rush, there will be no hurried wedding and I Feel even though we have fallen on love fast, we are being responsible. We both spent mos tod our twenties in poor relationships end know exactly what we want. The engagement I feel is showing commitment to each other ad it is a symbol of where we want to go. Of course we don’t know everything about each other but we are both on the same wavelength and have good communication and open to compromise. I’m sorry to say my mothers reaction has saddened me. I wish I didn’t care but the truth is I do. I do love this this man but she is making me second guess myself that I am making mistakes again because obviously I didn’t realise the first time I was making the wrong choice. I hate that because my ex husband left me through no fault of mine the rest f my life will be tarnished. Instead of this being a happy time it’s turning into an anxious time worrying what other people will think. It doesnt feel as special this time. Thanks for reading of you still are and I would really appreciate your thoughts on my situation. I’m 27 and my fiancé is 32.
Post # 3
@bohemian_coconut: I got engaged after 3 months and legally married within a year (we are having an official ceremony next year). That was after exiting a nearly 10 year relationship with my ex-FI. Sometimes you do just know, and sometimes it does happen faster than others would like (or even faster than you would like). Do what is best for your and your future FI, not your mother. You can’t live your life to someone else’s standards or else you will never be happy.
The one thing my long relationship did for me was to teach me what I don’t want – that’s how I was able to recognize what I do want so quickly.
Post # 4
@bohemian_coconut: I got married at 23 – stayed married for three short months. By the time I get married next year, I would have been enegaged for over a year and with my Fi for pushing six… we moved in together VERY soon after we started dating. I have zero regrets. This wedding to me, is my wedding. My only wedding and very special. You make mistakes, you shouldn’t have to pay for them for the rest of your life. If it feels right and it’s a good fit you should let yourself be happy. Good luck.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
@bohemian_coconut: I think as long as you have a long engagement, you’re fine. As you know, things can really change between the first few months and a couple years later, even if you’re older and wiser the second time around…
Post # 6
First of all, congratulations on your engagement!
But you asked for advice, and here’s mine. You said “We don’t plan to jump into the marriage and will move in together down the line for a few years before setting a date.” If that is the case, I guess I don’t see what the rush to get engaged is? If you don’t see a wedding happening for years down the line, then why not just stay as boyfriend and girlfriend, until you feel it’s time to start planning a wedding? To me, an engagment is the time in which you plan your wedding, and I personally wouldn’t want to be engaged longer than a year, year and a half tops. I know this is different for every person though. My other caution is this. At 5 months, you are still in the honeymoon phase. From my experience, it usually takes about a year before the honeymoon periods fades away. It seems like every guy I’ve ever dated, I thought for sure he was “the one” several months in. Maybe its just me but it takes me at least a year to finally figure it out. But again, only you know what’s best for you. Just listen to your heart, AND your head, and make the best decision for you. Don’t worry about other people’s reactions, if you are 100% sure you’re doing what’s best for you.
Post # 7
@bohemian_coconut: I also was very worried about making a mistake again, but I read tons of books on relationships, marriage, etc. I was also armed to dump the duds – so no losers here!
I think what the biggest thing in my opinion is that you need time. People can put up a good front for a year or so. Like someone else said, month 5 is still the honeymoon phase where there’s not a single thing wrong with either of you. I think you really get to know a person between years 2 and 3. So if I were you, I honestly just gather more data on your lovely man. And that means just continue to date and keep your eyes open. Definitely don’t move in together within the first year. Make sure he’s still the lovely man you loved all the time, but let time show you that. Go through several seasons, holidays, several life events, you want to see how it all holds up to reality. One year, or less than one year, is just not enough time if you’re really aiming to not making a mistake.
I guess if you want to say you’re still engaged then go for it. I’d also want to wait until I were legally single to annouce it as well.
That is just my opinion though and it worked for me.
(yes I know it worked out great for others who did everything with less than a year, but in general time is my advice especialy when you have children in the mix.)
Post # 8
I have two bits of advice for you. First, people think they have your best interests at heart when they tell you to slow down. Has anyone told you that you NEED time to “just be single?” or something similar? Only you can know if you are ready to be in a committed relationship again. You do not need to be single for the sake of being single for some arbitrary amount of time. You do not need to “date around” (see: sleep around) before you settle down. You need to do what you want. I would suggest asking this question the next time it comes up: “How long is long enough? How long do you say I need to do what you want before you will be happy for me and support me?” Hopefully that will put their comments into perspective for them.
Second, you need to hope for the best but plan for the worst. This is for your son’s sake. I don’t mean you should treat the relationship like it’s going to fail! But moving in together so soon could have lasting effects on your children should you (heaven forbid!) break up in the next couple of years. Think about how that would seem to them. That would be the second family they knew that was ripped apart, and they won’t understand why. Your fiance will still be there. You don’t have to combine households so quickly. Just remember that your little boy is still your priority, and do what you think is best for him WITHOUT sacrificing your own happiness.
Good luck, and congratulations on all your happiness!
Post # 9
Please also remember when someone else gives you their thoughts they are filtered based on that person’s experiences/needs/fears/etc! Like for me, my mther still believes yu give evrything to the man and never leave so she could never athom how I would do it and stand up for myself so I can’t allow myself to listen to her thoughts – trust your gut, trust your heart, and just live 🙂 And love, definitely love 🙂