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Hello Ladies!
I have a question and have been desperately trying to seek an official answer. A good friend of my fiance's got engaged one month before we did and have decided on a wedding date one month before ours. For the entire planning process, they have been way behind us, as far as completing their tasks. I found the perfect wedding dress and bought it the very beginning of December. I come to find out just a few days ago, that the other bride-to-be bought my EXACT wedding gown (almost 3 months after I did). Of course, I was hysterical because we have a lot of the same guests and my fiance is in her wedding party and will see the gown! We have tried talking to her, but she refuses to change her gown. We even suggested that we both give up the gown and get new ones, to be fair, but again, she refuses. This leaves me no option but to give up my gorgeous gown (not to mention the money I already paid for it) and get a new one. The problem is, my wedding is only 4 months away now and that leaves me scrambling. Is anyone aware of any etiquette rule that states who should get to wear the dress?
I don't know of any etiquette rules, but as a personal rule, I wouldn't consider this girl a good friend after all this. I don't know what the dress looks like, but can you add a sash or something to make it look different if you need to keep it?
Do you love your dress?
Wear it. Screw this girl! I bet you'll look amazing, and no one will notice or say anything.
She's the one who should 'give it up' since she bought it after you.
wow, what a B! I think you should wear it, tho. If you love the dress forget her. Is your FI gonna be in their wedding still?
He won't like it on her that's for sure so if you wear it it'll be a totally new experience.
Good luck!
Thanks so much for the advice so far!! I would love to wear it, but my fiance will see it!! That breaks my heart because I really want it to be a surprise. I just don't think I can do it. And yes, he's going to be in their wedding!
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How terrible! I can totally understand why you are heartbroken.
This girl is no friend.
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Skutch, which is your dress? Can you post a link or picture? Maybe we can help you find ways to customize it.
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I feel for you. Did she know that was your gown before she bought it? (I hope the answer is no.) Do you think you'll look better in the dress? (I don't want to be specific or rude, but dresses look different on different gals.) Can you go to a seamstress and have something embellished on it?... Was there anything about it you think could be improved?
Surely your veils will be different? If you think it would help to tell her what your veil looks like, so that she gets something different, that could be an answer. If you think she'll steal the idea, then certainly don't.
Could you buy a second dress? Have one for the ceremony, one for the reception?
I'm not sure what you spent on your dress. If you ultimately won't feel good unless you are wearing different dresses, why not look around? Maybe you'll find something that you didn't see before that you love as much or more. maybe if the other dress wasn't too expensive, you could make yourself feel better by splurging on a new one. You did express an option for both of you to give up the dress. So it might be worth it to take that route. (And recoup that money by not inviting her to the wedding.....kidding, maybe. Or maybe at their wedding, instead of giving them money, give them the picture of your new dress and say that's where there wedding money went...kidding, maybe not.)
I'll just play devil's advocate for a minute. If she didn't know what your dress was...then in her eyes it doesn't matter that you got it 3 months earlier or that you are a better planner than her. She fell in love with it too. And if you have to lose the money you paid for the dress, chances are she would too. And in her mind, she's done nothing wrong. It was an unfortunate coincidence. It sucks that you had it first, but she will wear it first. That's why she has all the leverage. She certainly isn't being that sympathetic, and I can appreciate that you're angry and hurt. Channel that energy into making sure your wedding is more fabulous.
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Hi!
My name is Susan, if that's easier for you! I don't know how to paste a picture in here, but I am trying to attach two pictures (of the front and back). Let me know if you can't see them. Thanks again!!!
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Skutch, I"m sorry but it's not visible, can you provide us with a link to the dress?
correction: it is visible, let me see what I can come up with.
that chick is no good. i just hope she didn't know what your dress looked like when she purchased hers. if she did, that's not the kind of company you should keep.
that being said, i don't think you should buy a new dress unless you have the money to do so. i guarantee you most of your guests won't even notice. your fiance will obviously know, but it's not about the dress for him, i'm sure.. it's about YOU in the dress. it will surely look and fit differently on you. and, if you do as the other bee's suggested and add a sash or embellishment, then it will look even less similar to the other bride's dress. i'm almost positive he will be blown away regardless. i say, save that money and put it towards your honeymoon, or your first place, or maybe just something fun for you and your fiance!
I can see it fine. I see a lot of detail on the bodice. Can you have some larger crystals/rhinestones or whatever in spots to make it sparkly? I saw on a wedding show the planner didn't like thhow the bow for the laceup bck sat. So he had a pretty sparkly brooch put on it to dress it up. You could do that right where yours ties. There is some detail, maybe lace that is on the train. Could you add it to the front so it goes all the way around the hem? One thing I could see is having a super long veil. A sheer cathedral length. It would look awesome.
I'm not sure if I'm helpful. But good luck.
For starters there are two things I would do.
1. Add crystals (that match the crystal/beadwork at the top/bodice of the dress) where the pick ups are to add more sparkle.
2. Remove the straps (wear stapless), or add crystals to the staps to give more of a wow factor.
3. How 'in love' with the tie-up back are you? If the dress is big enough they can make a hidden zipper and pearl or rhinestone buttons to finish the look.
4. I would also choose a distinctive hair jewelry. Etsy has a lot custom, one-of-a-kind pieces that can make a memorable statement.
I'll see if I can think of anything else.
Are you guys about the same size? If not, it will look pretty different on you bothy.
I agree in principle that you should still wear it - and that your friend is not such a good friend after all. But if you are really not going to be happy with it, check ebay and other places for discount dresses and see if there isn't something you love that you can buy for a good price.
I don't think there is much you can do to this dress to make it look much different - if any guest actually recognizes it from her wedding (which I doubt many will do), I don't think a brooch will change that!
Oh no! I'm sure you must feel very frustrated right now. Its pretty clear that she isn't going to change the dress. Tanya made a good point, playing devils advocate, that if she didn't know about your dress, she probably doesn't think she did anything wrong (or at least intentional) and therefore doesn't think she should change her dress. And that is true. If she was malicious and bought the same dress as you after knowing that you had already purchased it, you might need to reevaluate your friendship with her.
Although your fiance will see the dress on her, I am sure it will look very different on you. If you really, really love the dress, then I would wear it. You will shine in it, and THAT is what your fiance will see.
If you feel like wearing that dress won't be as special for you now, then consider looking at other dresses. At least get out there this weekend and start looking around. You might need to order a sample dress to ensure that you have it in time. But I bet if you explain the predicament to a salesperson in the bridal salons, they would be sympathetic and help you out in any way they can. If you don't find anything else that even compares to your current dress, then you *know* that that is the dress for you, and you should wear it.
Just remember, the dress WILL look different on you. And your fiance isn't going to just look at the dress. He is going to look at your hair and your makeup and your veil. That is what he will notice before the dress! Plus, years from now, when you are looking at the pictures, you want to make sure that it is the dress that YOU LOVE. You won't really ever see pictures of your friend wearing it.
Good luck... let us know what you decide to do!
I went to see if I could find more pictures of the dress and did...
It really is a beautiful dress and already has beading on the skirt at the pick-ups. So I would revise my second suggestion to say take off the beading at the pick-ups and instead have them put it scattered on your veil (if possible), or put them on the train to extend the beading there. Also, you can consider taking off the train, and adding the beading from the train to the bottom of your dress all along the edge.
I saw another dress from Maggie Sottero Monalisa and it's similar the dress you want but it's a bit different on the bottom. It has more beading. I would go look for another dress. Use this opportunity as a new dress shopping experience. That girl isn't a good friend at all.
Ms. Blossom, your maggie sottero dress brings up another suggestion for me. Change the top of the dress to a sweet-heart neckline.
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I saw an amazing photo one time where the birde has a similar dress to yours with pickups. She worked with her florist to have a single white orchid pinned into each pickup. It sounds crazy, but I swear it looked soooo beautiful. Maybe you can work with your florist to do something like that? If I were a guest and I saw one dress without flowers and one with, I probably would not realize they were the same dress.
Chela - good suggestion! I think changing the neckline will absolutely make the dress look different.
to the OP - I'm so sorry this happened to you! and I echo all the other posts. You will look Stunning on your day! No matter what you wear!
I wish you had included a fourth option on your poll that is "both of you wear it." I understand you're feeling upset right now, but I think etiquette states that you should concentrate on your own wedding and not worry about hers. There are plenty of dress twins on weddingbee and in the world, so why should you be surprised that someone else had the same good taste as you? At this point I think it would be a waste of money to get a new dress when you have one that you love and have already purchased.
Like Tanya said, this is probably just an unfortunate coincidence. Did you really send out an email with pictures of your dress warning other brides not to buy the same one? Regardless, years from now you are going to be looking at pictures of your wedding, not hers. I know you wanted the dress to be a surprise, but most men I know do not have that great a memory for clothes....so even if he does see it on her one month prior, by the time your wedding gets there he will probably have forgotten a lot, and ultimately he hasn't seen it on you (or your hair, veil, makeup, jewelry, etc.) and that's what matters.
Which is worse: not getting to surprise your husband with the dress or not getting to wear the dress you love? There have been other posts on weddingbee about girls whose fiances/husbands accidentally saw them in their wedding gowns prior to the wedding. In the end they all survived. Afterward they realized that the getting married part was way more important than surprising him with the dress. Does anyone have any stories of the dress-surprise getting ruined? How did it turn out for you?
There was another recent post on weddingbee about a girl whose friend had booked the same venue as her within the space of one month and I gave her the same advice---have the wedding you love, regardless of what anyone else is doing.
This is a tough subject, because the gown and wedding day "look" are such emotionally loaded parts of our wedding traditions. If this friend knew what dress you chose, then chose the same one intentionally to try to "outshine" you in some way, then I agree that she doesn't seem like a very good friend. If she just coincidentally fell in love with the same gown as you, I don't think that's as bad. Imagine finding your dream gown only to hear from a friend that she doesn't want you to wear it, because she's wearing it too. I can understand your friend's resistance. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose her investment or her perfect dress any more than you do.
I know you may not want to hear this, but your husband seeing YOU in your dress for the first time on your wedding day will be special whether he has seen the gown on someone else or not. I'm sure the rest of your bridal look will not be the same as this friend's, so you can differentiate yourself through your veil, shoes, jewelry, and hairstyle. Just don't share your plans for any of those details with this friend!
If it's not too late, could you order the gown in another color? Ivory or champagne, rather than white, or vice versa? I don't think a sash would work for your gown, but a sweet little cap sleeve might be beautiful, as would a fun, dyed crinoline.
I hope something in there helps! Good luck!
I have a way to fix the surprise problem: tell your fiance that you got a new dress, but don't. This little white lie will make him think he is being surprised which is what makes for that anticipation and excitement. Then, when he sees you in the dress, he won't remember the other girl's (guys just don't remember these things) and he will be surprised and love how you look in it.
My fiance saw me in a picture of my dress and this is what I would have done, but I ended up finding a better dress at Brides Against Breast Cancer. The store where I bought my first dress let me return it for store credit (unaltered and never worn) because I was planning on getting all 6 of my bridesmaids dresses there.
Skuch,
Is this girl a friend to begin with? As I'm understanding it's your FIs who are the friends, not you and her. Just curious. If you two really are friends, I could see how you'd hope to evoke more sympathy from her, than an acquiantence. But unfortunately, if she's not really your friend from the start, I'm not too surprised you're getting this response from her.
Another thought: If you're still adamant that your future husband see you in your gown before he sees her in it, would you be open to doing a "day after" photo shoot together a month before the wedding (before her wedding, specifically)? You could give your full wedding day look a trial run, and even schedule your final makeup and hair trials for that day, too. Then, you and your FH can have a really special day together, going to places that are important to you and your relationship and just relaxing before the wedding.
You might not be open to it, but it's an idea... :)
I would go by whoever bought it first! She doesn't have a right to it if you already bought it! Though, to make it fair I would probably just have both of you find new dresses!
This happened to one of my BM's. She and her FI's cousin both ended up with the same dress, but didn't know until it was too late for either to do anything about it.
She was very upset and understandably so, but in the end they looked different in their dresses and only the people she told noticed that it was the same dress. You're going to stand out on your wedding day in your dress no matter how many others have worn it before or will wear it after you.
I agree that you should just wear the dress and not worry about what she wears. You'll both look lovely!
I mentioned it before that I'm kinda a freak about having things the same as anyone else, so I understand how you feel. But the Bees make a great point about that fact that many others have/are wearing it too? I would use it as an excuse to buy another if I wasn't in love with it after this and could afford it. And I'd probably pull a bride wars and sabotage hers if I did still love it (kidding, kind of..;) Best of luck to you!
PS don't tell her your favorite baby names!
Yikes I am totally feeling for you. It was a total considence that you bought the same dress is really wierd. If she doesnt want to change dresses (which is understandable she has a whole less month than you do to find a dress) and you are dead set against having the same dress than its upto you to change it. I do have to say that if I were the other bride I would change in a second I dont want to potentially be out done by another bride a month later. Maybe you could spend some money to have your original dressed alter to look different, add a sash, pull on a super cute bolero do something to set it apart. Good luck!!!! Its nice to know who your true friends are
If she chose her dress completely independently from yours, then I don't think that she has any obligation to change her dress. You will need to decide if it would upset you less to wear your dress or to choose another.
Honestly, this really does suck, but I agree with the other posters who don't think you should give up wearing your dress. I don't think that people pay as close attention to dresses as you think, and while some very detail-oriented brides might notice it's the same, the majority will probably just think it is similar. I'd be willing to bet that most of the guys won't even notice.
As awful as this girl is being made out to be, I'm wondering if she really has cruel motives behind this, or really just fell in love with the dress too. If that's the case, and you both love your dresses, neither of you should have to give it up. Wear your dress with pride and confidence that even if the dress is the same, it's on a different woman (YOU!) and it's going to look just as beautiful as it would if no one had ever seen it on anyone before.
I'd say both wear it and don't worry about it so much. It seems like a big deal right now, but if you let it go an enjoy your wedding (and hers) with an open heart, you will be able to look back fondly on your day and the dress you chose. Years from now, looking at your wedding albums, you don't want to be reminded of a bitter fight about something as simple as a dress you wear once, do you?
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I tend to think that all strapless ballgown style dresses look the same anyway, so I can't imagine that many of your guests are going to notice that it's the same dress unless you tell them. If you tell them, they'll be on the look out for it. Just make sure you've got a different veil/hair and maybe bustle it differently. Your FI will see you in all your glowy bridal beauty, and won't think "Hey, I just saw that dress." Believe me, he won't.
I'm assuming from your post that this was not malicious, only an unfortunate accident. So sorry to hear this girl! But, if I were you, this is what I would do:
1) Take the advice of the many wonderful brides on this board and don't worry about it. Genuinely, hardly anyone will notice. And so what if they do? It doesn't matter. People don't expect your gown to be something they've never seen, they just expect you to look radiant and beautiful!
2) Talk to the other bride and your FI's buddy and let them know that you've taken some time to think about it and realize that it's not that big of a deal. (Honestly, if I were the other girl I might not be thinking the nicest things about you right now.) I'm sure that they can sympathize that planning a wedding stresses people out and will be quick to forgive.
3) Ask your FI if it is a big deal to him to see your gown on another woman first. If it is I would seriously consider driftslikesmoke's suggestion of a pre-wedding (yours and hers) photo shoot to have your "reveal" moment. I think it's a fab idea! But really - most guys are not looking at the dress. They are looking at YOU in a dress. I'm pretty much positive that all wedding dresses look the same to men. His reveal moment will be seeing the girl he loves all dressed up like a bride.
4) STOP telling people about it. I'm not sure if you have been telling people, but don't. People will probably not notice the similarity if they don't know to begin with.
5) Take a lead from Mrs. Tiramisu and be a gracious, radiant, happy woman when things go wrong. It's super admirable and a really really attractive quality (that I personally will have to work so hard to emulate). Gotta give Mrs. Tiramisu a shout out here - you totally inspire me!
If I were in your situation I would go for option #4, both wear the dress. I would ask my seamstress to remove the straps and wear it as a strapless dress and do something unique with your hair/headpiece/veil.
I think that if your wedding colors and/or theme are different from each other's then your guests will not notice. Keep quiet and don't tell anyone except your mom and MOH and no one will know. It can only upset you if you let it :)
Good luck, it's a beautiful gown!
This girl sucks! Sorry, but that's how I feel.
I feel really bad about your situation. I think that etiquette rules are not going to help since she has made it pretty clear she won't change dresses.
So give her the big middle finger and wear it better than her! I know plenty of people who have worn friends or sisters gowns and (1) no one notices and (2) no one cares.
You will be a gorgeous bride whatever you decide to do!
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If I were you, I would just wear my dress anyway. Even if your FI sees the same dress at the other wedding, he still won't be seeing it on YOU. That's the biggeest thing. Unless you really don't feel attached to the dress, in which case you could look for a different one. But truly, if it were me, I'd still wear it.
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I didn't answer the poll (nor did I read all the comments, so please excuse any redundancy) b/c I don't think either one should have to give up the dress. You bought your GORGEOUS dress, and you should be able to wear it. You can't force people to do things, so don't even think about her. She's selfish, and you (both) know it, and she has to live with that. I agree that the more you talk about it to people, the more people will notice it; otherwise, people might not even notice--sorry, but it's true. It's about how your dress makes you feel on your day. Period.
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