Post # 1
I am having a bit of an issue with my FI over Save the Dates and Invitations. He thinks STDs are completely ridiculous and just another part of the wedding industry’s attempt at money grubbing. He is also of the opinion that since the STD is basically telling someone they’re invited, why not just give them the option to pick their food at the same time (essentially, why not just go ahead and invite them). He wants to send the invitations early (think 6 months ahead of time) and doesn’t care about what “etiquette says.”
I kind of get his point, but at the same time, I would prefer to send my guests an invitation later because I am not sure how many of them would actually be able to attend (his half of the party is all from California, and I’ve got 3-4 coming in from Colorado). I feel like a STD would be more appropriate and then the invitation closer to the time when we actually NEED the count for the caterer. I am worried that people will lose the invitation or not reply within a timely period because they’re not sure if they can afford the ticket/hotel to fly out here. I feel like people who are out of state do deserve as much advance notice as possible to get their finances in order if they wish to come.
But FI argues that they will probably lose the STD so there’s no difference. And we could just send them a reminder (to only those who haven’t RSVPd by a certain time) to let us know if they are/aren’t coming…which in my head is basically the same as sending a Save the Date and then the Invitation is the reminder.
I have suggested an email Save the Date and he thinks that’s stupid and had an issue with getting everyone’s email (but doesn’t have an issue trying to contact everyone to get their addresses anyway?). I don’t really know WHY he is being so difficult, but it’s causing some unpleasant discussions (he thinks I’m not listening to him and have just made my mind up without considering him?).
Is there any way I can make this work for both of us?
Edit: Not sure why the paragraphs aren’t broken? I promise I wrote paragraphs.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
It sounds like he’s made up his mind without considering you or anyone else, actually. Just send the e-mail save the dates and don’t worry about what he thinks, then send the invitations within a reasonable time period. It’s impossible for people to commit 6 months + out. Have you spoken to his mother about this?
Post # 4
Unless you are having a destination wedding, I don’t really get save the dates either. Email people who will have to travel to let them know when they need to book plane tickets for but there is no need for everyone to get them and no need to spend money on them.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
I think all your logic makes 100% sense. Since you have reason on your side and he just has grumpiness, it seems reasonable that your approach should be the way to go.
All this stuff doesn’t have to be expensive, btw. We ordered 100 save the date postcards from OvernightPrints.com for $35, and postage to send out 80 cost $28 = $63 total. For invitations, you can email super classy ones from PaperlessPost.com for free or like $25 for custom add-ons.
ETA: In our case (wedding at the end of the summer), save the dates made a LOT of sense. Everyone books up their summer plans and time off in the spring, and we wanted to make sure that everyone knew our plans. Sure, you could email a note and achieve the same purpose – but for only $60, it’s fun to send out cute postcards.
Post # 6
Save the Dates are a fairly new, and I feel, kind of unecessary thing too….unless it’s a destination wedding, just invite people with a little extra time for them to decide if they can go or not….since, giving them six months is nice, but who knows what the next 6 months will bring?? It’s a timing issue, but it doesn’t have to be a problem.
Post # 7
@lolot: We have a really small guest list (60 people if EVERYONE shows up) so it’s not like STD or invitations will run us that much money anyway. = I think I am just going to snoop his FB and message all of the people he wants to invite that they’re going to get an invitation later, and X is the date. That way he doesn’t have to be mad at me for emailing people, and I feel secure that our out-of-towners know. I already contacted my out-of-towners months ago by calling them to announce it, so I wouldn’t need to give an STD to my own, just his, lol.
@MeiFrancis: His mom is crazy, lol. I mean that in the most loving way possible but..yeah. O_O Like she is emailing him a list of people she expects us to invite even though they won’t come. Because it’s the “right thing to do” crazy. I am not going to talk to her about a Save the Date. Especially since his whole family already knows the date anyway. It’s mostly his guests (his bridal party knows already too) that I want to make sure know. Especially these mystery “list” occupants. T_T
Post # 8
I’m from Australia so maybe it’s different but we only have save the date for destination weddings.
Sending invitations out 6 months early is way too early. I think 3 months is ok.
I find that I always know when the weddings are anyway before I receive an invite.
Post # 9
Our wedding is prime holiday season so the save the dates will give people a heads up (hopefully) before they book their vacation. We’re already too late for one couple who have organised a meet up in another country, but hopefully will be in time for most others. We should have sent them at Christmas but life interfered…
Post # 10
People who care about you are going to ask if you’ve set a date anyway after hearing about the engagement, so I see no difference in you e-messaging them or mailing them a physical card. Fewer than 20 hours had the engagement ring been on my finger when even my boss asked me if we had set a date!
We weren’t planning on doing Save-The-Dates for the same reasons your FI has, but when we decided to have a destination wedding in a popular summer locale, we realized it might be a courtesy to give our 80 guests a heads-up. Thankfully our website was finalized showing at least a list of accommodations and attractions by the time we sent out the STDs, 6.5 months before the wedding. Invitations will go out later, or 3 months ahead of time.
What I loved about ours is that we were able to work with our local stationer who in turn ordered from a local printer using 100% PCW cardstock.
Post # 11
I’m from NY, FI is from NC and we’re getting married in MD – a destination wedding and I didn’t even realize it until I started gathering addresses. So I got some cheap STDs from Vistaprint. Our wedding is right after Christmas so we’re already getting snark about the date. I figure if we give people 8 months notice, that’s enough time to work out whether you’re attending…
Post # 12
I can see both of your points, but I really don’t get the hype of save the dates (and the acronym is terrible). UNLESS it’s a destination wedding I don’t really see the point of sending them at all.
Post # 13
It really depends on a few factors. We chose to do save the dates because we have a LOT of out of town guests (85% of our guest list), and we felt that giving them a pretty card with the date and our wedding website would be a great idea (especially since the wedding is on a Friday). Plus, they were really cute. It’s cut down on random questions (not totally, but we just get a few here and there), too.
We had a friend whose now husband vetoed save the dates (and they didn’t have a wedding website). No one had any idea whether or not they were invited, where the wedding was, etc. until a month before the wedding when we got our invitation. And, of course, you can’t ask if you’re invited, so we were in this weird limbo–even another good friend, who was one of the GMs, had no details on the wedding to share, except that it was in a nearby city. That was really frustrating.