Post # 1
I was using FI’s phone (as mine was broken) and came across some messages he sent to a close girl friend about a month ago. I saw my name, was curious, and read further. What I read broke my heart, and I am not sure where to go from here. Until I decide, I’ll rather not confide in anyone I know personally, after all, we just announced our engagement 2 weeks ago. I also know that my girlfriends will be up in arms, and I dont want them to have a bad impression of him yet.
His friend was confiding in him about her relationship issues with her BF, and he replied that he ‘was not the best person to give her relationship advice, as after all (he) was also settling, in a way’. He also said that ‘he had been waiting for a long time for the right person to come along’, and he ‘doesnt want to wait any longer’. He also said that ‘sometimes the person you really love is not the one that you are with’, and that ‘sometimes you have to just love the person you are with instead’.
I am devastated. I never knew he thought he was settling for me, and always thought we had a fairly good relationship, on equal footing. I spoke to FI about it; he seemed genuinely upset and remorseful, and explained that it was because we just had a fight and he was simply ranting. He told me he usually felt incredibly lucky to be with me, and he loved me without question, and was sincere in wanting to commit to our future together. He also said that there was no one else for him, and that his comment about not being with the person he really loves was simply advice for his friend.
I am torn. I feel he is sincere in his remorse, and I believe that he loves me. However, I feel like my trust in him is broken, and my pride wont allow me, at this stage, to accept that he thought he was settling for me. And also, I am simply very sad and very hurt. I dont know what to do. I dont want to leave him, but I need some perspective.
Any Bees have advice or have been through something similar? Thanks in advance for your help.
Post # 3
I don’t have advice, but I’m so sorry. That would hurt my feelings so much. Being in a fight is not an excuse for him to say such hurtful things.
Post # 4
@theplife: What he said doesn’t bother me nearly as much as to whom he said it. I think almost everyone feels as though they are “settling” at one point or another. At another point, we may feel we are luckier than we ever imagined. I know I have been all over the board, especially when in discussion with my sister. However, to confide in another man or someone outside of my immediate circle of trust (sister, best friend, etc.) would be crossing a line and embarrassing for everyone.
How do you feel? Is it what he said that bothers you? The confidant? Both?
Post # 5
OMG. My heart just broke for you as I read your post! I can understand why you would be devastated by seeing such hurtful comments from your FI! How long have you been together?
Post # 6
If the messages are roughly a month old, why is the conversation still in his phone? Why wasn’t it deleted?
Post # 7
@theplife: I would probably demand that he go to counseling and put any wedding plans on hold for the time being. I’m sorry – what a difficult situation.
Post # 8
Did this come out of the blue? If this is an independent incident I would try to forgive him. It could have just been said in anger. It sounds like he’s sorry and knows it was not an acceptable thing to say. Do you think you can forgive him?
Post # 9
@shadesofviolet: how is this helpful? My phone keeps messages over a month old, too.
@aliavenue: I agree with this.
Post # 10
Honestly, that’s not something I could ever forget/forgive him for. I don’t see why he’d say that if that wasn’t what his thoughts were. I’m so sorry for you.
Post # 11
Honestly I don’t know whether his excuse is true or false… But if he is tellng the truth, I would explain to him why that hurt, and how it’s making your relationship look. He could be 100% madly in love with you, but all that girl will ever see now is that he settled for you. Your relationship should never spoken of in that way, even when you are upset. It’s disrespectful to the relationship and will change the way people see it.
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
This is hard. Only you can decide what to do from here. I think leaving him entirely is probably a drastic measure at this point since he is remorseful. But I completely understand the broken trust. I would probably not set a date for the wedding until things improve and you feel that you can trust him 100% again. Maybe putting the engagement on pause like that would give him the kick in the butt he needs to stop confiding in this girl so much.
By the time you’re planning on getting married, I feel like your SO should be your best friend. If he still is confiding things in a girl friend that he considers “close”…I don’t know. I don’t like that word. My DH isn’t close to any girls anymore. We have a 100% open and honest relationship. We tell each other everything. I can’t imagine him telling someone else, let alone a girl, feelings that he won’t share with me.
I really feel for you, but I can’t tell you what to do. Follow your heart on this one.
Post # 13
I’m very sorry. There are two problems here: the fact that he was confiding back and forth with another woman, and the things he said. I think you already know what the best course of action is. I don’t think I could marry him.
Post # 14
I am so sorry! I have to ask…is the female friend he was talking to the one he “really loves” by chance? Is there any indication? I would be devastated and I don’t know if I could get past it. Once about 10 years ago I was in a 2 year relationship with a complete jerk who was cheating on me…and I found out some things I wish I had not, when he accidentally left his email logged in and a message up on my computer. I never could get past it. My heart breaks for you!
Post # 15
So sorry you are going through this. I don’t think I could continue with this marriage. I need to know that I am the “one”. I don’t want to be second best. I personally don’t think people say such things unless that is what they are really feeling. I would move on. Life is too short. You deserve the best.
Post # 16
@theplife: I am so sorry. *hugs* Personally I could never get those words out of my head. You deserve a man who looks as you and thinks you’re the best, the one, the only. We all deserve that.