Post # 1
Wow, I am still in shock over the weekend’s events.
The last time I saw this ex of mine was in a hospital bed over a year ago, because he’d gone on a drinking binge when I finally called it quits.
There’s been nothing there for me for so long, he was awful to me and I had zero feelings for him or regrets when I left.
Well, when I ran into him at the bar this weekend it was like electricity. We both agreed we didn’t expect it. We ended up talking for a very long time, and we both cried. A lot. (albeit, we had been drinking, too…) We got out the things that were left unsaid when we split. Nothing happened, we hugged, that’s it.. but it was very, very intense to be near him.
And I can’t quit thinking about him. Logically, he makes no sense, he is so absolutely wrong for me and treated me awful. My current boyfriend is amazing and everything I could’ve asked for.. but it’s been over a year since I’ve felt emotions intense as I did this weekend. The only thing lacking from my current relationship is I suppose that “deep emotional connection”. That emotional void was filled this weekend, and now it won’t leave my mind.
I know it’ll fade with time, and I’ll forget.. but he just recently moved back to our hometown and I know I’ll now run into him when I go (about 1x a month) since we have a mutual group of friends and the town is tiny…
So, I know I need to avoid contact with him, etc… But WHY am I feeling this way? It’s so hard for me to understand and sort this out and try to forget about it. I feel like I’m longing for him and that makes me sick. I’ve cried a lot since this happened because I know I’d never go back to him in a million years, and don’t WANT to, so why do I feel the things I do?
Post # 3
no advice? no one’s “been there”? 🙁
Post # 4
So you know the saying: ‘the best sex is make-up sex?’ I think the same idea applies here with the terribleness and the drama- it makes for a great make-up. What you are attracted to is the intensity of the emotion- not actually him.
Post # 5
I think there is a good reason it didn’t work out between you two the first time. Regardless of an “electric” connection between you, that doesn’t mean he’ll be different or more responsible.
Just because you have physical chemistry with someone doesn’t mean that you would be able to be with them for the long term.
However, if you realize that you do want to contact your ex – please end things with your current boyfriend first. It’s not fair to him for you to test out the waters with your ex while still keeping him on the hook. Know that if you end things with him, that things may not work out with your ex and you may not be able to get your current boyfriend to take you back.
Post # 6
It sounds to me like you need to break up with your current boyfriend and look for someone new (not your ex!) who will be able to provide that emotional connection and treat you well.
You should never settle for someone who can’t treat you well – and if your ex couldn’t before he won’t be able to now – it is probably just not in him.
However you should also not settle for a relationship in which you feel unfulfilled and if your current bf is not filling a deep need you need to look for someone else – there’s probably nothing wrong with your bf and he’s great but that doesn’t mean he’s the one for you.
Post # 7
Well I don’t agree with you breaking up with your boyfriend at all. It is possible to have these feelings but still be in love with your significant other.
I had a similar situation. I was with someone for 8 yrs and he mistreated me.. well we broke up and hadn’t seen each other is a looooong time. We ran into each other and chatted. I had a butterfly feeling and something just came over me and it felt so amazing and we just clicked and he apologized and after that night I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
After some thinking I realized that I had waited so long for him to change and the time distance I think as well influenced my erotic behavior… I couldn’t get him out of my mind.. But reality is it was just the fact that it had been a long time and it felt new again and like he changed but he really wasn’t different. I was in love with someone else and I wouldn’t jeopardize what I had for something that MAY have changed for the better and gave me a crazy feeling again and I was once in love with….
It is normal I think.. I have friends who this has happened too as well… Just don’t hang out alone. My opinion is, its not healthy for any current or future relationship.
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Is it an emotional connection you’re missing with your current boyfriend, or just the drama? I think it sounds like a good time to take a good hard look at yourself, your relationship, and your relationship with your ex and figure out what you’re doing here. Don’t sabotage a good thing for something that ended for a reason.
Post # 9
To be honest, it sounds like you and your ex had a pretty unhealthy yet addictive/passionate relationship. Not that I can really tell from two paragraphs, but it sounds like he didn’t treat you very well – oftentimes that pairs with feeling really passionately attracted to someone.
You say it’s been awhile since you felt this intense towards someone – was it towards your current boyfriend when you first met? I think it’s pretty common to lose the intensity of feeling as you are with someone longer. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them, or that they’re not as wonderful – just that they’re not new or exciting anymore. Now, your ex is what’s new again and that’s where part of the spark could be coming from.
Post # 10
They just did a news report last week about how those “intense” feelings fade about 2 years into any relationship. Basically it is some kind of chemical reaction in our brain that happens and the body can’t physically keep that up for extended periods of time.
There is someone that I went to college with that is like that with me. We have an intense physical reaction to one another, to the point where other people who see us together are like “holy crap, just get a room and screw already”. We are both happily married to other people now, but even when we were both single we never “hooked up”. He said I wasn’t “the kind of girl you hook up with” and I told him I don’t date man whores. I think part of the reasons there is so much “sizzle” is because I’m like the only woman who he asked to sleep with him that said “No.
Physical attraction is one thing, love is something else. If your current BF doesn’t really “do it” for you then maybe you guys are not in it for the ‘long haul’. Doesn’t mean you should go back to Mr. Toxic Maybe with a Drinking Problem.
Post # 11
I don’t necessarily agree with breaking up with your bf. Well it depends, and I say this because I can totally relate to what you’re going through. I wont get into all the details now but suffice it to say, some times you can have this crazy emotional intense connection with someone but when you really examine the root cause of this its because emotional unhealthy roller coaster of a relationship. And as sad as it may seem sometimes you miss it.
But if you found someone who you’re completey inlove with treats you well, who you can settle down with and have quiet times and who absolutely gets you, then you should value that above any intense emotional connection that you had with your ex. That just my take on it. Most of us has exes that’s drive us crazy. But they’re exes for a reason. Value the good you have infront of you.
Post # 12
I went through something similar a couple of years ago… except I’m really ashamed (still) to say that I acted on my emotions. I was dating a man with serious drug problems, and I developed a habit of my own during our relationship. A few months later, I decided I didn’t want to party anymore, and he did… and that’s what ended our relationship.
Fast forward a few months later. I had just started dating a nice guy with lots of $$ and nice car/clothes/fancy apartment and everything. When the druggie ex-bf called me up to apologize… ok, showed up at my apartment with a brand new “straight-edge” tattoo on his hand and a 40oz in the other, promising that after THIS drink, he was going to be sober from now on to win me back… I caved. There was too much leftover passion and resentment and I felt I NEEDED to do it. But I didn’t break up with nice guy, because I thought it was a one-time thing and I KNEW it wouldn’t happen again.
I kept seeing my ex at least once a week, usually meeting up at a 24-hour diner at 3am on weekdays… for 4 months. I moved in with nice guy, and although I saw druggie ex-bf less, I still felt like I needed to. Well, you can’t live that life forever. My nice guy boyfriend found out 6 months into our relationship, and I was suddenly in a situation where I feared for my life, had to pack up all my belongings, and leave in the middle of the night. He cleaned out my bank account before confronting me, and I was left without a penny for food, gas, or shelter. Then I was homeless and living out of my car for a month before I managed to get the money to fly back home to my parents’ home 2000 miles away.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is… make a decision about what you really want before you do ANYTHING. Don’t go back or even talk to a toxic ex unless you feel you need that closure, or whatever… sometimes you just do. Don’t stay with your current boyfriend if you don’t see a future for the two of you. I hope that helps.
Post # 13
Bees, thank you, thank you… a million times over.
All of your comments have really helped me to take a step back.. I honestly think I was addicted to and thrived on the volatile and crazy nature of the relationship, the ‘drama’.. Which in turn, is making me look at my current relationship as emotionally ‘boring’… When in reality, it’s probably not, it just that I was so used to this intensity surrounding me for so long.
And yes, the last time I felt the emotional intensity/high was when current bf and I got together. Oh, it was definitely there! It was an amazing 3 months.
It is just hard for me to come to terms with the fact that the intensity can’t last forever. I think it’s time that I need to find another source in my life to fill that void I have.. Romantic relationships will never fill it unless it is negative.. (I don’t think, maybe I just haven’t found the right one??)
Post # 14
@laughingemotions: “It is just hard for me to come to terms with the fact that the intensity can’t last forever. I think it’s time that I need to find another source in my life to fill that void I have.. Romantic relationships will never fill it unless it is negative..”
This. Yes. I think it’s only the volatile, often-destructive, relationships that can maintain that intensity for more than a year or so. If you find that you want some excitement in your life, find it another way – take up skydiving or some other adrenaline-rush type activity. Healthy romantic relationships can still be exciting, but when there’s trust, mutual respect, and a sense that you can count on something, it’s never going to be the same sort of intensity as new love. it’s also never going to be as intense as the sort of unhealthy, rocky relationship where the rush comes back every time it seems like this time it might be different.
Post # 15
deleted – bad internet = double post.
Post # 16
I think the fact that you ran into him at the bar says it all. He most likely hasn’t changed. Be happy and grateful for what you have. You may always love him, but that doesn’t mean you are compatible. And you don’t have to beat yourself up about it.