(Closed) Saw This on Yahoo. What Do You Bees Think?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3669 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Wow, that sounds completely inappropriate.

Post # 4
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t know how to say this nicely… it seems like a terrible idea to me! For all the reasons you mentioned, and then, of course, the added factor that it would be tacky.

I’d much rather scale down my ceremony and reception than ask guests to contribute- even if it is mixed in with the other registries. It just seems wrong to me. 

If anyone has done this successfully, I’d love to hear how it went!

Post # 5
Hostess
11178 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Totally inappropriate. While honeymoon registries are considered gray area to some this crosses the line in my opinion.

And yes if “Aunt Martha” pays for your hair and makeup she very well might want to bring her neighbor and his five kids and believe she is entitled to it. Money does funny things to people and their sense of entitlement.

Post # 6
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think in a few generations it will be the norm, but that society isn’t quite ready for it yet.

The majority of the current wedding traditions (bride’s parents pay for the wedding, groom’s parents cover the rehearsal, there’s lots of gifts and a shower to help the couple set up housekeeping) are rooted in a socioeconomic mold that isn’t as dominant today as it used to be. Even 60 years ago, young men and women lived with their parents until they married, the parents were supported mainly by the father’s income, the mother had time and talent to make a lot of DIY crafty things for a wedding, and the parents opened a savings account to cover the wedding as soon as their daughter was born.

These days, with single parents, divorced parents, and all sorts of non-traditional families PLUS young peoople who live on their own, support themselves and live as single adults for years, it’s becoming a lot less common that weddings are done by those old traditions. In fact, here on the ‘bee, whenever a bride is upset about the guest list, the first question asked is “who is paying.”

It’s very common for young people to pay for their own weddings, ask their friends for DIY help, even do pot-lucks, and honeymoon registries are becoming a lot less controversial.

In a few generations I believe it’ll be perfectly acceptable for the guests to pay at least some of the direct costs of the wedding and for the couple to ask for that as their gift (people already feel fine doing this for housewarming parties where you ask for $10 to help cover the keg or ask all your friends to cook a dish).

I just don’t think society is quite “there’ yet.

Post # 7
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

 Crosses the line, no one should have to pay for anyones wedding. It’s rude and in bad taste.

Post # 8
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Eeeek…no. I’m in the “I don’t need anything” camp, but our families are so traditional that not having a registry was out of the question, so I put some nice upgrades on there. I would never even dream of asking a guest to contribute to the wedding, and as a guest I would probably be really reluctant to contribute.

My great aunt even gave my 55yo, twice married, deploying to Afghanistan uncle towels as a recent wedding gift.

Post # 9
Member
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Not okay. How could anyone even manage to ask that without cringing? I couldn’t.

Post # 10
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I don’t see how it is much different from having a honeymoon registry. No doubt a sign of the times.

Post # 11
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

hmmm..I think it seems pretty tacky.  There are other ways to do this without being so obvious.  I’m sure there is a tactful way to communicate that cash is a welcome gift.  But a lot of people give cash anyway.  Also, you can set up a honeymoon fund, which I don’t think is tacky.  If you are planning on going on a honeymoon, then any contributions to it is less out of your pocket even though it doesn’t “reimburse” you for the wedding.  We are having a stock the bar party instead of a normal shower.  This will help cover bar costs because we can use the bottles of liquor for our wedding.

So, I think this is weird and unnecessary.  Sure it’s honest, but you don’t have to do it this way.

Post # 12
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I personally don’t see registries as any different than asking for money, help with the wedding, or honeymoon registries. With all of these things, it’s optional. I’m not sure how a registry full of gifts that are $100 or more (usually more) is any better than the honeymoon registry, asking for cash, or asking someone to bake a cake in lieu of a present. 

The only difference is that registries are more accepted in society. It’s okay to ask for expensive stuff than it is to ask for money. I’ve heard the excuse of “I’d feel cheap giving them a check for $25, but a basket full of small gadgets totaling $25 is fine”, as if the couple doesn’t know the price of what they’re registering for. 

Though, per the way I grew up, everyone gets a gift at the shower and a check for the wedding.

Post # 14
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Maybe I am old school, but I feel like if you can’t afford a wedding, then have a small one, wit until you can afford it, or elope.  (I.e., don’t put it on credit, and don’t beg for money).

Having said that – I am “ok” with honeymoon registries, because that is a bit different. You can “spoil” the new couple on their honeymoon as a gift.

However, I would avoid a wedding registry for wedding items.

Post # 15
Member
3627 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

FI and I really would like money more than anything else, but we didn’t even feel comfortably telling our own families we wanted cash. In fact, when they ask what we want, we give them the generic “Oh, nothing!” answer. We did register at two retailers and we’ve received generous cash gifts from a few relatives prior to the wedding that have helped contribute towards last minute wedding costs and other things we wanted that we didn’t register for.

I couldn’t imagine asking my guests to chip in on my wedding. That’s just going to lead to unsolicited advice and commentary, such as “You really going to spend THAT much on THAT?” or “I can get you the same thing for LESS!”

 

Post # 16
Member
707 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Just no. 

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