Post # 1
My wedding was just a couple weeks ago. Three days before my wedding, my cousin (who has RSVP’d yes for herself, her husband, and her two children) e-mailed me to say that her daughters had been invited to dance at an event that weekend and they wouldn’t be coming. I was LIVID. Not only did I simply lose the money that had already been paid for their meals and drinks, but because there was a little money leftover before that which we had to pay the venue, if I had known that they weren’t coming, it was enough to add a coffee bar, wine service with dinner, or something else. The money, however, isn’t the really upsetting part. I just feel it’s incredibly rude and selfish to cancel last-minute for wedding unless it’s a real emergency. Eight-year-olds dancing at a state fair or something doesn’t constitute a real emergency to me.
I ultimately decided not to say anything, at least before the wedding, because I didn’t want to say something out of anger and I didn’t want to spend my wedding thinking about this.
Moving on to the present. I de-friended her on facebook when I returned from my honeymoon (yeah, I know that’s silly and childish but I didn’t really want her to be privy to my wedding pictures etc.). I also found out that the dancing thing was cancelled and she had decided to come, but then her stepdaughter was beaten up by her boyfriend and they had to go to the hospital. I have every sympathy in the world for her stepdaughter and the whole family in regards to that, but the fact remains that she originally cancelled on me not for an emergency, but because a better offer came along.
So she wrote me this e-mail today:
I’m so sorry we missed your wedding. We had some major drama with [husband’s] oldest daughter that day……major drama. 🙂 Anyway, I noticed I wasn’t your friend on facebook and I freaked out and was afraid you were upset with me because we didn’t make it. So I wanted to apologize and tell you that I saw pictures and you looked gorgeous and everything looked beautiful. I wish we would have been there.
I really don’t know what to say in response. Like I said, the fact still remains that she originally cancelled because a more attractive option came along, not because of hte “major drama.” I -am- upset with her and I don’t feel that she realizes how rude she was. But maybe it’s not worth the conflict that might result from saying something. What do you all think?
Post # 3
Pretty shady to cancel on you like that! But she does sound really sorry 🙁 I would refriend her and then send her an email saying why your upset. But, again, SHADY!
Post # 4
If you write back I would suggest being sensitive to the fact that a real emergency had really come up, but the upsetting part was that it was not the main reason why she had cancelled. I would however emphasize that a wedding takes so much time, planning, and money and that it was insensitive of her to cancel so last-minute. I am sure she had known longer than 3 days prior that her kids would be dancing at some fair.
Post # 5
This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I honestly don’t think what she did was THAT rude. I definitely think weddings are important, but at the same time, this dance thing sounds like a great opportunity for her girls, possibly one they wouldn’t have in the future. It sounds like something of a shame that they didn’t get to participate in it afterall.
Your cousin was not deliberately rude, and it sounds to me like she’s gone ahead and extended an olive branch – sounds like the perfect opportunity to move forward and let go of the negative energy.
Post # 6
@Daydream: I’m definitely not saying you’re wrong, but just to clarify, her daughters are on a dance team and they dance all the time at various events. I would have been more sympathetic if it was a one-time thing, and I would have understood if it had been an event that they had specifically been rehearsing for.
Post # 7
how old are her girls? just curious.
Post # 8
i say you write her back and tell her what you told us. shes family so she should understand. and if not, then just forgive her and move on with your life. theres no point in being livid at someone if they dont even know that you are or why you are.
now if you explain why you are put out about it, and she still isnt receptive, THEN you can write her off. but at least give her the benefit of the doubt. i know sometimes with family they dont realize that some of the things they do are rude, or think you wont mind.
Post # 9
@daydreamwanderer: They are 7 and 10 years old.
Post # 10
I think you should re-friend her on Facebook and just be stupid and cheerfull about it all… blame the “un-friend” on a Facebook glitch and let bygones be bygones. Yeah, it sucks that she bailed on your wedding like that, but it’s no reason to loose a relationship with a family member.
Post # 11
I’m of the “air it and move on” school of thought on things. If it were me in this situation, I’d respond with a very honest email, pretty much saying everything you said here, but then follow it up with a statement about only airing this that you can both move on. I don’t think you’re wrong for being upset, and I think you may harbor a grudge (well, i would , at least) if you don’t talk to her about it. She gave you the perfect opening.
Post # 12
I would also have to tell her how upset I was that she cancelled at the last minute. Some people I don’t think realize how much money goes into a wedding and I would never cancel at the last minute unless it was a real emercency situation but this one was not…so tell her how you feel..
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
Honestly (and this probably isn’t what you want to hear) I would just let it go…I think you would feel better for a little bit to air out your grievances but it could cause a lot more harm than good…It’s completely understandable that you’re upset, I totally would’ve been as well! But since the wedding’s come and gone, you can’t change the past and I just don’t know how much positive would come from telling her how you feel…I’m sorry tho, that’s definitely a very very frustrating situation!!
Post # 14
I’m with trailmix. You can’t change the past and dwelling on it isn’t going to get you anywhere. It goes back to the you can’t change/control how other people act, you can only control your reaction to the situation, and since saying something isn’t going to change what happened, why waste the time and energy?
Post # 15
I have to say it seems that your over reacting a bit in my opinion. Things come up & people don’t make it. It’s the same at every wedding. Most weddings there are people who RSVP that they are coming and never even call to let the bride or groom know they will not be there. They just don’t show up. To me that is a little worse. @ least she made the effort to let you know; no matter how last minute it is. And as far as I’ve ever seen most people put their children first. Unfortunatly that can hurt feelings sometimes; but that must be what is important to her. Her Kids. It’s too late to take it back. You’ve already “defriended” her and she’s already noticed so you’ve already shown your mad. Friend her again and forget it. Shouldn’t have been that big a deal IMO.
Post # 16
I would just be honest about your feelings. At the same time tread lightly with the fact that her stepdaughter got beat up (btw…wtf!!!). Extra lightly given the fact that she apologized.
I think bygones can’t be bygones in this situation. You are obviously still upset and it will affect your relationship with her. I suggest writing a letter on real stationary that expresses your feelings (as politely as possible).
Finally, and solely in my opinion, she sucks for what she did in the first instance. Just because this happens at every wedding does not mean that it is right.