Say something or keep it to myself?

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1148 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@mrsdfarrar6714:  This is something that I would want to know before kids were brought into the picture, so I would say something.  Even if it goes badly, you were only trying to help.

Post # 4
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@frommisstomrs.:  +1


I agree, this isn’t great news that a woman wants to hear. But it’s much better that she learns the truth now before there’s a baby involved. I’d speak up. 

Post # 5
229 posts
Helper bee

Does your FI know about what his brother has been doing? He might be able to give a bit of insight into what to do…

If it was me, I would probably figure out a way to let her know. I imagine it would be a bit difficult to bring it up if you two aren’t super close, but just imagine if she found out AFTER falling pregnant…. that would be terrible. I would tell her.

Post # 6
7273 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mrsdfarrar6714:  I would tell her.

I haven’t been in your situation but I’ve been close – I almost had the opportunity to pass on information about my brother’s cheating to his wife (now ex-wife) and I resolved that if I had been in a situation to “accidentally” tell her something, I would have, even though the cheater was my own brother.

(Note I wouldn’t say anything if I didn’t know the person being cheated on, but in this case it was my SIL, who I’d grown close to).

Post # 8
7518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@mrsdfarrar6714:  Did she just tell you this or do you have undeniable proof that it is happening (as in you have seen the actual message on your BIL’s phone). Because unless you have concrete undeniable proof (and not he said she said stuff) then I think you should stay out of other peoples marriages.

I also think you stepped way over the line contacting someone to gossip about him.






Post # 9
8739 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’d want to know if this was happening in my relationship, however…


If someone came up tomorrow and told me my husband was cheating on me, I would not believe them. There is a chance she won’t believe you, and it could cause a rift between your fiance and his brother.

Post # 11
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017

@mrsdfarrar6714:  I would want to know before bringing a child into the picture.


But I understand the concerns of a family rift if she turns on you in denial. Is there a way you can anonymously suggest she checks her husband’s phone so that a family rift doesn’t happen?

Post # 12
8739 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I don’t really think it was your place to play sleuth to see what he was or wasn’t doing.

Post # 13
222 posts
Helper bee

I would definitely tell her. Take the other girl with you to show proof if you need to. She will probably hate you for a while, and she will be mortified, embarrassed, humilated etc that others knew and she didn’t. But she NEEDS to know. How would she feel about you if she found out about it all later some other way and then found out you already knew and did nothing?

Post # 14
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@mrsdfarrar6714:  I think that if she has those messages, then she should forward them to the wife, he involved her so she has the ability to inform the wife. I would not as you jump in just yet, I’d encourage my friend to send them on though.

Post # 15
2340 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

Ask your friend to change her phone number so that your fiance’ s twin cannot phone her.  She needs to do this so that she isn’t involved (albeit innocently and inadvertently) in someone else’s marriage issues.  

Other than this you are going to need concrete proof before saying anything more to anyone.

Post # 16
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@mrsdfarrar6714: There is nothing to stop you setting up a random email account, getting the messages and photos off of your friend’s phone and emailing his wife. 

Better yet, why doesn’t your friend tell the wife? Does she have any real relationship with the family? If not, there is no harm in her telling the wife everything and then stepping away from the whole deal. 

Of course if you really think he needs a good slap in the face you can just print off the messages and drop them in his parent’s mailbox – but that’s the sadistic side of me talking.


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