(Closed) Say what? You want a plus one because why???

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
7277 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@bruinchick4:  I know it’s super frustrating, but personally I wouldn’t put the FAQ on the website and just continue to handle inquires on a one-on-one basis.

If, however, I were to do this I would definitely take out the “plus a few additional” on the kids question. People who are not family but do have “and family” on their invitation will get it and other people who are not family & their kids aren’t invited will just get pissed you made some exceptions.

 

I’d delete the “Why did so & so get a plus one” question all together. You already stated if it doesn’t say +1 then you don’t get one. No need to explain your reasoning. You’re just opening yourself up for arguement. 

 

Post # 4
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m not sure how I feel about this.  I’ve never seen anything like it before.  I completely agree with you regarding how frustrating and irritating it is when people ask despite their invitation clearly stating who is invited.  My inclination would be to directly speak to each person who asks, telling them outright, “No, you cannot bring someone.”  I don’t feel it’s necessary to give them a long explanation as to why.  But, since you’re choosing this route, I would either leave out or try to re-word the part that says:

The single folks automatically did not receive plus ones. For our friends that are in relationships it came down to many factors with the main one being whether we have met their significant others and how serious they are. And no…meeting them for two seconds in passing at a club/restaurant doesn’t count J

Something about this part rubs me the wrong way.  Besides it being rife with sarcasm, it almost seems to belittle people who aren’t in relationships and/or who aren’t in relationships that you deem to be serious enough to warrant an invitation to your wedding. 

Post # 5
Member
2460 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

@MexiPino:  +1.

If they have any questions about why someone got a date and they didn’t, they should ask you, like you stated in your first question.

I think this was well-handled.  It’s sad to see that this has become a necessity, but sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and flat-out remind your guests that invitations addressed to them are inviting only them.

Post # 6
Member
9693 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@MexiPino:  +1 (no pun intended, lol). I get that it is annoying to deal with, but I have never heard of a wedding FAQ. I think it will annoy and offend some guests, especially the ones who are behaving. I would just deal with questions on a 1-1 basis (yes, it’s time consuming but it is all part of the process – unfortunately).

ETA: I think you may have written the FAQ when you were mad – it comes across that way. If you are going to post it, I would revise almost every answer.

 

Post # 7
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I know it can be frustrating but I advise against teh FAQ. I’m normally a “screw ettiquite” if it’s not rude type of person, but the FAW seems a bit offputting and rude imo

 

I’m sorry you’re so stressed about this, take a breather. It can get overwhelming, take care of yourself and don’t forget to take some personal time for you in all the craziness.

Sorry for the typos, a little preoccupied

 

Post # 8
Member
7277 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@shrinkgirl:  I’m with you. It’s not even the wording, it’s just doing it at all that bothers me. It feels a little like those “blind item” Facebook posts where you clearly know the person is having a problem with someone specifically, but they say publically how they hate this behavior without mentioning who did it. This should all be handled privately even though it does really suck. The guests are being super rude by asking/assuming, but that doesn’t mean the bride should put herself in a place where she’ll be seen as rude by everyone. 

Post # 9
Member
9559 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would shorten all of this!

Q: Can I bring a date/kids?

A: Unfortunately our space and budget are limited, so we are not able to extend invitations to all dates and children. Those invited will be listed by name on the invitation.

Q: What should I wear?

A: Black tie optional.  The wedding will be on the rooftop, so we suggest a light cardigan/sweater/jacket for the ladies.

Q: My guest and/or I are vegetarian/vegan/have allergies, should I let you know?

A: Yes of course! If you have any dietary restrictions please do not hesitate to let us know. We will try to be as accommodating as possible.

 

Post # 10
Member
2535 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I hope it helped you blow off some steam to write the FAQ!
Sometimes just writing things out can make things a little better.
Write on here as frequently as you want to vent some frustration with it – the bees understand!

I agree with PP’s though… you have to deal with this on a one-on-one basis.
A FAQ would be efficient, but if I were a +1-rule-abiding guest of yours, I’d find it a bit rude if I saw it on your website. :/
That’s mostly because I’m a stickler for manners.

It’ll be OK!
You just have to say something like “I’m so sorry, we really cannot accomodate a plus one for your – our venue is small and has a limit on the number of people who can attend.”
Even if your venue isn’t too small or has a limit – you have a limit, but your guests don’t need to know that.
Use your venue as a scapegoat – don’t discuss money/costs with any of your guests!

Post # 11
Member
2613 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@bruinchick4:  I’m sorry but no, I don’t think what you’ve written is appropriate or gracious.  Some of what you wrote comes off as down right snarky. 

First, I’d just take out the entire section about additional guests and field those questions as they’re asked.  “I’m so sorry, we just couldn’t invite / give a plus one to everyone.  We hope you understand.”

Repeatedly mentioning your budget and money is gauche and frankly irrelevant.  Even if you had won the lotto you’re not obligated to give everyone a plus one or invite their kids.  You don’t need to explain your guest list reasoning to anyone.  They’re not owed an explanation and rather than putting questions to rest, it will only serve to invite debate and encourage resentment.

I do think you’re opening up a big ‘ol can of worms by inviting some kids and not others.  Highlighting that fact on your website is only going to invite drama. 

Post # 12
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I actually agree w/ some of the people here that the FAQ is unnecessary and will probably offend many people.  Reading it I could definitely tell you are frustrated, but it’s best to deal w/ these inquiries as they come up since the answers are tailored to each individual situation and you can’t lump it all together in a rant on the FAQ page.

I fully get how you feel about the +1 issue and hope that your guests are understanding once you’ve explained where you are coming from!  It is beyond annoying that people are so dense and don’t get why you wouldn’t want a stranger at your wedding!

Post # 13
Member
820 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@bruinchick4: I am also not a fan of the FAQ idea for several reasons. One is that you don’t know or can’t really make people read it. I swear, people can’t seem to take in wedding website information the way we Bees do. If you somehow do know that everyone will be using your website and access this part of it, you can’t guarantee that they will read the FAQs. They may skim over it. They may even purposefully use this as an excuse and claim they didn’t see it. Whereas as annoying as it is to repeat yourself and be addressing this all the time, a one-on-one conversation solves the issue. IMO that would still be your best bet! 

@MexiPino:  +this

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
3221 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@JenGirl:  Agreed 100%.

If you MUST include an FAQ because you don’t want to field questions personally, then keep it short and simple. It may not be your intention, but certain parts of your FAQ may register as a bit rude. 

Post # 15
Member
4050 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@JenGirl:  Perfect revision. Short and simple, doesn’t sound angry, and doesn’t invite arguments. OP, I wouldn’t put your original FAQ. I’d be annoyed if I saw that on your website. This revised one is better if you feel the need to have it.

Post # 16
Member
2300 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Q: Can I bring a date?

 

A: We really do wish we can give all of our friends a plus one, but unfortunately we haven’t won the lotto yet!  If the invitation and rsvp card are specifically addressed only to you with no mention of another name, please do not bring a date. (remove underlined portion and replace with ‘the names of all invitees are on the envelope – please only rsvp for those named’.) It was very difficult working to fit in all the friends and family that we wish to celebrate with while staying on budget. Weddings are usually a whirlwind and during the hectic moments of our wedding, we wish to focus our time and attention to only those that we know (say ‘those closest to us’ instead)– thank you in advance for not bringing an uninvited guest (say ‘understanding’).  If you have any questions regarding this, please call or email us..

Q: How come so and so got a plus one and I didn’t?

A: For our friends that are married or engaged, they automatically received a plus one. The single folks automatically did not receive plus ones. For our friends that are in relationships it came down to many factors with the main one being whether we have met their significant others and how serious they are. And no…meeting them for two seconds in passing at a club/restaurant doesn’t count J

I would erase and re write this section. I would simply say ‘We have tried to include as many people as possible in our special day, unfortunately due to budget and venue restrictions it was not possible to extend each person a guest. We are looking forward to celebrating with you!’


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