Saying mean things when upset

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Beach

I believe that you might say things during an argument that you shouldn’t say. But it’s very difficult to control your feelings too. I think there’s a limit to what i would say. Me and FI faught a lot in our past 5 years together but name calling or so is a no go. After few years into our relationship i started to use the method of: if i’m so angry to pull myself together first and then talk because i sometimes and he too say things we dont mean. 

Post # 4
Member
11740 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

When I am very angry, I do say a lot of mean things (not name calling or anything, though.  Name calling is always off-limits and pretty childish, in my opinion).  I know it’s wrong, and I try to counteract it by not saying anything.  DH knows when I’m really upset I’ll go to another room for a few minutes to calm down before finishing an argument. 

 

Post # 5
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

I can go all over the place when I fight.

That said, I would never put our relationship on the line in a fight. I would never throw out a sentence like “I wish we’d never met” or “I want to break up”. Things like that are frissures that cut into your relationship. Sure you can want to take them back but they can’t be unsaid. Same with throwing around divorce. That, in my opinion, should only be lobbed if you are 100% ready to sign the papers right that moment and NEVER look back.

Post # 6
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

I know it’s hard to be rational when you’re arguing, but it would wound me DEEPLY if my FI ever told me to fuck off or swore at me at all, actually. 

I think deep down I think that these things said in the heat of anger hold a lot of truth. So if I ever screamed in anger that I wish I’d never met him… I’d be questioning what we were doing together.

But I’ve never actually been in an argument where things like that were said. 

Post # 7
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

@DW82:  I don’t think you should say something you don’t mean just because you are mad….but I am SOOOO guilty of doing it. I don’t actually mean to say “fuck you” or “you are such an asshole” and I feel guilty almost immediately after saying them. But when I get SOOO angry sometimes it just feels…good…almost a sense of relief to yell and cuss…then I simmer down.

Post # 8
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@DW82:  No it’s not acceptable. It means you’ve lost control of yourself.

Post # 9
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

No, I think it’s a very toxic way of fighting that tears down your partner and your relationship. SO and I have never said things like that in our 8 years together. Both of us are capable of walking away if things get heated and talking about it calmly later. I would be completely shocked if any of those things came out of his mouth or mine.

The bees who find their mouths running away with them really need to work on this. It’s absolutely not acceptable or helpful. I have seen it in my parents’ marriage of 45 years (and the heavy, cumulative damage), and I will never allow it in mine.

 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

No I don’t think that’s acceptable and would have some serious issues if my DH ever said something like that to me.

Post # 12
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@DW82:  I think the more you love someone the more hurt you get when fighting. So heated catch phrases like you mentioned have a tendancy to get said. That was a big problem in my relationship on both sides of the fence. You do a lot of emotional damage with words. We have both worked really hard to be aware of our anger and have learned to walk away. I had to learn to “let” him walk away. It isn’t that you are ignoring the problem, but you are letting the anger pass.

Post # 14
Member
9533 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

To me “fuck off” and “I should have known you were a bad idea” are in two totally different ballparks. “fuck off” is bad but forgivable because it’s expressing frustrating at the moment and, at the moment, was probably actually true. But it’s not a statement about myself as a person or our relationship. “I should have known you were a bad idea” is much much worse, in my opinion, because that is a statement not about the fight, but about the relationship, which is totally unacceptable.

My husband and I very rarely get into a fight that is really heated. Like maybe once every couple years. Neither of us has ever said anything derogatory about the other person or about our relationship. We have said how pissed off we were at whatever situtation we were fighting about. We both may have cursed, but I can’t actually remember a specific instance. My husband does have a huge cursing problem when he’s driving. But we’ve never cursed at one another – the difference between “fuck off” and “fuck you”.

Post # 15
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@DW82:  sometimes emotional or angry people say things they don’t mean – irrational things. It definitely happens.

When my FI and I first got together he told me straight up no name calling. He said we have a loving respectful relationship and he wants to keep it that way.

We BOTH came from relationships where arguments meant let the profanities fly and let the silent treatment ensue for days even.

So what I’m saying is its a choice! Make the effort to create a healthy relationship environment even during disagreements.

Yeah it calls for self restraining and discipline at times but it’s a thing you can learn – practice makes perfect…BUT it is so rewarding.

Say how you feel when your upset/angry be genuine and honest – use your words but CHOOSE nice/kind/considerate ones. I think it makes all the difference in the world…

I do know that some couples can have knock down drag out fights get past it and are completely unaffected and move on. It really depends on YOU and if you hold onto things, some people are just fine in that environment…

That’s my 2 cents.

Post # 16
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

We try to stick to “you’re BEING bitchy” or “you’re BEING an asshole,” rather than “you’re a bitch/asshole.” Because let’s face it, we all have our days where we do kind of suck, and it is kind of fair to get called out on it.

That said, I can’t remember the last time we had a big fight, but in our earlier days, that was our tactic.

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