(Closed) Saying one thing but meaning another…

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

i have only 2, both in black, both in two different dresses. my only thing was they had to have matching jewelry and shoes so it didnt seem very mismatched, but I figure its their money, they should get what the want!

Post # 4
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I think the choice is up to you and how strongly you feel about uniformity but I’ve been to a few weddings where the bride picked the color and the girls picked the dress.  The pictures looked fantastic, so bride = happy and the girls have dresses that they liked/flattered them most, so BM = happy.

I went the BM choice route for my wedding (my BMs were super excited to have an excuse to shop) so my opinion may be a little biased.  =)

But if I was a BM and I knew you feel strongly about having a consistent look across your wedding party, I would just buy the dress you want.  

Food for thought: I don’t know how much the dress costs but I’m okay with buying a $200 dress (or whatever the cost) to wear one time for a friend’s special occasion.  But I know not everyone is in the same financial position and perhaps it would suck for your friend to splurge like that on a dress she’s not crazy about. 

Post # 5
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Let’s be honest here, who can’t use another black dress?  If you want them to match, then have them match.  No matter what the BM says, you can never have too many black dresses, especially if it looks good on her.  It’s her decision to purchase the other one even after you have told her it’s not the one she likes.  Just go with your gut–if you prefer them to match, then have them match.

As far as handling it tactfully, just sit her down and say ‘I have given this a lot of thought, and I really think this other dress goes with the motif of my wedding better.  I’m sorry that you like the other one more, but this is the one I have chosen and I would really appreciate it if you could respect my wishes on this matter.  I am thrilled you want to be in my wedding and I hope this is okay with you.’  If she’s really upset and complains about money, well, it’s her choice to purchase the other dress in addition to the one you have requested she wear.  If she complains that she likes the other dress better, simply say that you like it as well, but it’s just not right for your wedding.  I think your BM will eventually understand and get over it.  Besides, you wore what she wanted you to wear to her wedding, right?  She should do the same for you. 

Hope this helps!!  Remember! It’s YOUR wedding!

Post # 6
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Not only am I a bride this year but I’m also a BM. So I know how it feels to pick out dresses. For my BM I searched high and low for a dress that was affordable. I got lucky b/c the dress I picked out with my MOH flatters everybody PLUS since I’m buying my dress from the same boutique they’re going to give my BMs a 20% discount Now for the wedding I’m in the bride express that she didn’t care what style of dress it is as long as it was part of her color scheme. I want uniformity in my wedding but my friend does not. It’s all in what you want for YOUR wedding. I’ve been in weddings where they cared about matching and some didn’t. I figure it’s just one day I have to deal with wearing something that I probably won’t wear again but it’s an honor to be in someone’s wedding. I’ve been pretty lucky to be in weddings where the dress weren’t super expensive. I have a total of 5 BMs and I can’t cater to everybody.

If your friend keeps saying she’s poor why wouldn’t she want the cheaper one? gLuck! I hope she realize that the lease expensive one is in her favor. Let us know what you decided.

Post # 7
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think that if your BM wants a particular dress for herself, that is just fine and has nothing to do with your wedding!  You do have the right to specify a style of dress – even a specific dress. If you want the dresses to match that is reasonable – and there is nothing wrong with reminding your BM that she had preferences for her own BMs that you honored without making a fuss.  If she really has a lack of money, she certainly doesn’t have to buy both dresses – and if she does, then her resulting money issues are really her own fault.  There is nothing wrong with her expressing her preference -as she has -but if she can’t wear the dress you want her to without being resentful then maybe you two need to have a talk about exactly what the problem is.  Its common knowledge that as a BM you don’t generally get to pick your own dress!

Post # 8
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country

at this point, you’ve already said that you are letting them pick their dresses…there is a reason why brides usually choose the dress and this is why.  I think at this point rescinding your "freedom of choice" is a bit rude.  You made the choice to let them pick and now they both have their heart set on 2 very different dresses.

I think if you paid for the dress for them that you really want, thats the best solution.  Pick what you like, pay for it, and there will be no hard feelings.

Post # 9
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

I say let them wear the two different dresses.  It’s one of those elements that are actually highlighted as beautiful and unique in most wedding recap articles that I’ve seen.  Then get them a matching necklace to wear to bring the look to more cohesiveness.  Make your friend happy and be the nice bride.

Post # 10
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

So, maybe I am confused.  Did you tell them they could pick any black, strapless dress?  If so, I suppose its harder to now say "Well, any dress as long as it looks like this…"  I didn’t read your post as saying you had told them they could wear any dress. 

Post # 11
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

eh, just let them wear 2 different dresses.  In the long run, does it really matter?

Post # 12
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

Traditionally, it’s your choice. But if you have to ask: I’m all for letting them wear the two different dresses. Personally (as a bride and as a BM) I don’t place a high value on perfect uniformity between bridesmaids because I adhere to the idea that they’re friends, not stage design 🙂

(Not that any of my dear friends whose weddings I’ve been in have quite agreed with that sentiment–and I love them anyways, of course, and bought the matching dress)

Post # 13
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

one question, though: What exactly was said that meant something else???

Post # 15
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

This is a weird situation- I guess since you gave them an element of choice or at least opinion in  the matter they are railroading you towards their preferences.

If I were you I would pick something- maybe neither choice so that it is not unfair to either girl – and ask them nicely to wear it. I am of the opinion that it is your wedding so you get to decide- the color, the style and everything– They are guests and part of the wedding party and it is their responsibility to support you in your decision and be gracious they were asked to have that position of honor on your special day.  

That being said – I think if I were the lace dress girl I would feel a little bad if you picked the satin dress that the other bridesmaid liked.  I would go some other black strapless dress that is neutral and nice- try the sale section of nordstrom,com.      

Post # 16
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

IndianBride is right – if you are backing out of letting them choose, you maybe need to pick a third dress altogether so it doesn’t feel like you are favoring one girl’s choice over the other.  And so you are sort of changing your mind – just explain nicely that it seemed like a good idea at the time, but you didn’t realize how different two black strapless dresses can be.  And its true that they can be way too different – I have nice black dresses that are totally different colors of black, even.  Everyone will get over it – especially since it sounds like you are picking dresses in a very reasonable price range.

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