Scaling down to one income- but I have a plan

posted 3 years ago in Career
Post # 3
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@ladylady:  Oh wow.  Well your plan sounds great, but have you guys talked about this at all?  It sounded almost like he told you about the lack of HS diploma, and then you internalized the rest of it.

If so, I’d just approach it openly.  “Hey babe, I was thinking about what you told me, and I think the timing is really great to blahblahblah.  What do you think?”

Post # 4
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015


First off, when I saw this I instantly needed to reply and let you know that you are not alone! I think that if you have a strong relationship and you feel that deep down he is a good man with a good work ethic, you will be okay.

I had a somewhat similar experience– shortly after becoming engaged I found out that my FI did not complete his BA or do well in school. Kind of like you we had discussed careers and the future and I sort of assumed he had been a good student and had his degree– I know he transferred from his 4-yr program to a specialized arts school but things had been vague and I didn’t realize how bad things were and that he had a degree from his second school but it’s not a BA.

At first I was really shocked and upset and I worried about our future, because I’m also a driven person (I just finished my Master of Science and am seeking work in a competitive field) who always prioritized education and career, and the fact that he’s so hardworking and driven is something I love about him.

I was so upset that he let this go for so many years, and never took action to complete his degree so that he could look at grad schools or a better career. Sometimes I felt like you, that maybe he was lazy and needed someone to be a jerk to him so I was like “you better get on this or else,” and other times I was just scared and cried and asked him why he hid this from me and whether he even cared about our future.

What was missing for me– and what might help you– is I didn’t understand WHY this happened and why he never did anything to change it. So when you talk to your DH, maybe start by asking him to explain what happened that he never finished, and why he never started studying again.

In the case of my FI, just like yours he felt ashamed and embarrassed. Maybe your DH really is “complacent” but in the case of my FI, it was more that he was kind of scared and lacked confidence in himself, like he felt that it was too late to change it or that he couldn’t do it. When he dropped out of school it was because he was having some other problems in his life and got overwhelmed, and absolutely NO ONE helped him or told him they believed in him!

He started going back to school full-time and working full-time, and I was so proud of him because it was really hard. Now he’ll be starting a new job and going to night school, and I hope he can finish soon.

It wasn’t easy for him to get started again, what we had to do was make a plan together (like you it was actually my plan first but we talked about it together and came to the same ideas) and then he really needed me to help him look for schools and sit next to him while he applied, and to help him make a study schedule when finals came around, so that he felt confident that he could succeed handle the work load. He is truly a very smart and very hardworking and driven person, he just was unsure of himself and needed some love and support 🙂

I hope this helps and that you can talk to your DH about your plan and get him excited and on board! If you ever need to talk to someone about it please feel free to send me a message.

Post # 5
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Does he want to be a stay at home Dad? If he does, AWESOME! But if he doesn’t, I wouldn’t make isn’tisn’t

Post # 6
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow, I’m sorry that he didn’t tell you this before. But like you said, there is a solution to fix this issue.  The problem is that it needs to be HIS plan, and not just YOUR plan.  I think this would be a great opportunity to ask him about his plans for the future and discuss what type of lifestyle ya’ll would want to live together.  I would also discuss how the current situation without the HS diploma is hindering ya’ll and how with more education, you guys would have more financial flexibility.  If he loves you, which I’m sure he does, he will come up with a plan that works for both of ya’ll.  Of course, that may mean that your “end of the year” timeline may not happen; but, perhaps the following year. 

About a year ago, my FI dropped a few bombs on me too, one of which was him being 10K in debt with his low paying job.  He was just paying the minimum and still charging on the card.  After I got over the inital shock, anger, and disappointment…we worked on a plan to get the debt paid off. If all goes to plan by the end of this year, he will be out of debt with him paying the majority of it off himself.  On my part, there’s been lots of lonely nights with him picking up extra shifts, lots of home cooking rather than eating out, and some financial uncomfortability to help him where I can (gas and groceries); but, we’re making it work to a common goal, while still having a little fun along the way.

Hope that helps.

Post # 7
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

I’ve found you can’t make anyone do anything they don’t want to do. Does he even want to get a degree?

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