Post # 1
I wrote this post a few weeks ago about how DH did a 180 on me about TTC.
DH not sure about timing anymore 🙁
The one thing I asked my DH to do was to buy condoms if we were not TTC. I don’t want to go back on hormonal BC because my body is starting to regulate off of them and I don’t want to mess that up for fear that he may come around sooner rather than later. I also think that it’s only fair, since I had been the one actively preventing pregnancy for the last 9 years, now that I want to have a baby and he doesn’t, he should be the one to take up that responsibility.
Last night we were supposed to have a date night. I picked up all the groceries to cook him a great dinner. His job was to buy the condoms. After dinner, he says “oops, I forgot”. So I said “well, I guess that means we’re SOL tonight.” He hinted that we could do “other things”, but I was just so sad and frustrated at the whole situation it just wasn’t going to happen.
To be honest, everytime I think about getting in the mood, I become overwhelmed with sadness because I had thought that we would be trying for a baby at this point and now we are not. I just start feeling a huge void, coupled with resentment for my husband. I’ve tried to suck it up a few times we have used condoms over the past few weeks and I cannot enjoy myself at all. The sex isn’t as good, we’ve gone from activelty preparing to TTC to actively trying to prevent it. I have even started crying a few times while DTD because of how sad I am at the situation.
We are going to counseling and I am going to bring it up in our next session. I think the Dr’s response will be “you shouldn’t have a baby until you are both ready,” so I doubt there will be anything to make me feel better about this particular problem.
Is there any hope?
Post # 4
I just read this…..and I will reply this afternoon when I have more time.
Hang in there.
Post # 5
You know what the counselor will tell you, and he/she will be right. If your DH isn’t on board right now, then getting pregnant now will only create levels of resentment on both your parts (him resenting you for getting PG and you resenting him for not actively wanting the baby).
As for the sex portion, it sounds like you need to take a time out from sex for a little while until you are in a better place emotionally. Cuddle, make-out, do other things, but don’t have sex until you are okay with it not leading to conception.
Personally, I’d try to think of your intimate time together now as a chance to do the things you won’t be able to do while PG/with an infant. Crazy positions that a PG body couldn’t accomodate, loud sex that would wake a baby, multi-hour marathon sex sessions that would interfere with feeding schedules, tipsy sex that would interfere with breastfeeding, scandalous lingerie that might not fit a post-partum body. Use the time you have to connect with your husband on a sexual level, because believe me, the sex life takes a nose dive post-baby.
Post # 6
@ExcitedScaredBee: I really don’t know what to say except that I hope everything turns out in a way that you are both happy. FI & I are not trying to conceive but I can kind of relate to where you’re coming from. I want kids, FI could really go either way, he can see his life with them and without them. He has known that no kids is a deal breaker for me and proposed but I know the thought of kids still scares him to death, even if he sayd he’s on board.
Post # 7
I think it’s great you’re going to bring it up in counseling. Because while you don’t want to have a baby until you are both ready, it is completely unfair that your DH married you knowing that you wanted children and is now saying he doesnt’t know if he’ll ver be ready. Even if he didn’t do it intentionally, that is like a bait and switch and is incredibly unfair to you.
Unfortunately I don’t think we can tell you whether or not there is hope…that all depends on your DH. But based on your past posts I would be seriously concerned that he will eventually give you a timeline for TTC jut to placate you but then will constantly push it back until you are far past the age when you wanted to have a child. I think bringing it up in counseling, like you discussed, is a great way to go, I’m kinda surprised you haven’t discussed it there yet. Please update us and let us know how it goes, I’m hoping your DH comes around for you and can let go of the fear of change and the unknown enough to be excited again about TTC.
And a story that may warn you a bit but also help you feel better…it took my parents about a year of trying to conceive me (though I doubt they knew about charting or anything), and my dad was totally on board. But when they found out my mom was finally pregnant, he freaked out and got super worried about not being sure it was the right time and if he could do this. So that may happen with your DH, try not to take it personally if it does! Because once I was born he was fine and I was totally a daddy’s girl. And when my mom accidentally wound up pregnant 3 months after I was born (omg, I can’t imagine), she was the one freaking out and he was totally excited about it because now he knew he could be a good dad.
Post # 8
@inspiredcreations: Kind of along the same lines… remember that sex isn’t only for the sake of procreation. I know it’s difficult with where your mind is at right now, but try to remember why you enjoyed having sex and intimacy before you wanted to TTC. Sex should never become an act with a specific goal, it should be something that you both enjoy and brings you closer. If you only associate it with procreation, then it will become more robotic and less emotional, which will lead to some strain on the relationship.
Post # 9
((HUGS)). I am so sorry you’re having to go through this.
This isn’t about sex, it’s that he backed out on his word to you and that must be so painful, especially about something as crucial as becoming parents. Of course it has repercussions in how you feel about him sexually and emotionally, that’s to be expected.
I can only imagine, after waiting all that time, for him to back out now must be so painful.
I’m very glad you’re in counseling. Make sure the counselor also knows your point of view and how betrayed you feel by his backing out of TTC. As a woman (and a mother, but only after 8 years of wishing, praying, hoping, wanting) that is one of the worst things we can ever face. So, so sorry.