Scared it will never happen now…

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
9859 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@AlexiaMichelle:  I think you did the right thing for you.  If you know that you can’t spend your life with her if she’s a smoker than you should get out or she needs to quit.  Just make sure you’re prepared to actually walk – I never gave my FH an ultimatum because I knew I wouldn’t walk, I just knew I couldn’t. 

she needs to show you that she’s trying and making an effort to quit or you’re gone.  Just understand that quitting is HARD, and as someone who has quit (more than once) it takes a while to stick sometimes, especially when you’ve been smoking for a long time.

Post # 4
2081 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@AlexiaMichelle:  Well you know what? It is not as easy as you may think to quit smoking. As a matter of fact it is INCREDIBLY hard. She can’t just up and quit just because you want her to. You should have realised that earlier in the relationship…it has been going on three years already! I think your ultimatum is pretty selfish and in many ways you have set yourself up to be disappointed and hurt when she can’t meet your expectations. Again…she can’t just quit because it’s what you want…doesn’t work that way.

P.S. I think you’re way too concerned about what your Mom thinks. How old are you?


Post # 6
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@AlexiaMichelle:  I was in a similar situation. I smoked when I met my now FI. He hated it and I never even smoked in front of his family because I was scared/ashamed. I loved smoking but it wasn’t something I was proud of.

My FI eventually said, “I do not want to marry a woman who smokes”. That hit hard and I realized I was going to have to take quitting seriously if I wanted to keep my man.

I have been smoke free for almost 4 years now. It was THE hardest thing I ever had to do but it was worth it and I am so glad that I quit. I would usually be against ultimatims but in a sitation like this, I don’t blame you.

Due to the fact that I kinda know what it is like for her, I would suggest taking it easy on her. The more you “bother” her about quitting, the more she will want to smoke. I really hope she quits for you. When and if she does decide to try to quit, you must take every single day and every single smoke she does not have as a huge accomplishment and give her praise. Offer to help her in any way and just be supportive.

I really hope she quits. Good luck!

Post # 8
4134 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I couldn’t live with a smoker either. I think it’s fair to be up front about what behaviors are liveable for you both before moving in and commiting to marriage. I say, give yourself a walk date (do not tell her about it though). You can’t force someone to change. If you can’t live with it, make a decision to move on. It’s hard, but you can’t waste your time on someone you cannot live with. 

Post # 11
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@AlexiaMichelle:  Well it is good that you are supportive. During this period in my relationship, I could have killed him sometimes lol We fought about it alot and it was not good. At the end of the day, I had to quit not only for him but for a million other reasons (health, financial etc). I could not have done it without him though.

Post # 12
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@AlexiaMichelle:  “I don’t know if I would be willing to walk, I can’t imagine my life without her, but I do know that I will not say yes if she’s still smoking and tries to propose.”

You won’t marry a smoker…but you won’t leave a smoker, either?  Sounds like you need to figure out what you really want,  because while your words were very clear about what you wanted, your actions weren’t consistent.  If you’ve been with somebody for 3 years who smokes, your actions say that this isn’t actually a dealbreaker, just something that disappoints you.  If marriage to a non-smoker is a goal for you, both your words and your actions need to make this crystal clear.  

Smoking is difficult to quit, but your SO has had 3 years.  Is she doing everything she possibly can and still failing (patches, gum, support groups, therapy, hypnosis, medical help)? Or is it just not a priority for her?  I know it sounds very harsh and cold to talk about ending a relationship and rebuilding your life because of cigarettes, which is why you need to decide exactly what you want.  


Post # 14
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@AlexiaMichelle:  I think you did the right thing. Now offer help. Meds? Dr. Appts. To start cessation programs etc…

however- my sister has quit 3-4 times before for 3-6 months and then goes back so I would also suggest you have an agreement or something in place In case she starts again?

Post # 15
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

@sillysillybee:  Woah defensive much? No need to attack OP, her SO is as much at fault for stringing her along with no real serious attempts to quit. I’m guessing you’re a smoker? I’m aware that it’s extremely difficult, but I know MANY, MANY people who have done it successfully. So, you don’t need to flip out and accuse OP of being childish. I dumped my ex after I gave an ultimatum over excessive pot-smoking. He said he’d try… And never tried at all. Smoked multiple times a day every day. After 4 years I said goodbye and never looked back. 

If my current SO asked me to quit drinking coffee for some valid reason, I would do it. I’m fucking addicted and I would miss it like crazy, but I love and respect my SO and for that reason alone I would give it my very best effort!

Post # 16
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First (( HUGS ))  cause I know this is hard for you too going thru this

There never was a doubt it was hard for the Smoker (well that is IF they decide to quit at all)

Deep down for yourself, your life together, your future kids (even her health) you did the right thing by giving her an Ultimatum

And I am not one who is a BIG Fan of Ultimatums

I am however a BIG FAN of people making choices in life that are good / true to themselves

You have clearly weighed all the facts about smoking… and know that it isn’t something that you want to fit into your life

You have “tolerated” it up until now because it is something that came “with” the woman

All fine & good while you decided to date…

Like anything else… Dating & Marriage are different entities

Hence I GET WHY you need a Fiancee / Wife who doesn’t smoke

That is being TRUE TO YOU (and an admirable quality)

Because ultimately smoking is not a good thing…

I am in my 50s, I’ve seen what long term smoking does to people, their relationships, their families

People get sick… people get cancer… people die.  And it is a horrible illness / death that otherwise wasn’t necessary

And the PAIN is beyond fair when someone dies earlier than they should and leave loved ones alone to cope without them

I’ve seen Cancer claim Smokers in their 30s and above.  Rarely do these folks make it much beyond 50 or 60 … when a lot of the rest of the world is now living into their 80s and 90s

It is sad… Kids without Parents… Spouses without their Loved One.

Ya, it sucks to face the dilemma you are now… but it sucks more when you have decades invested and a life built around the other person and they have CHOSEN a lifestyle that cuts it all short

So ya, I GET IT.


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