Post # 1
What do you do when it’s absolutely too late to elope, but you’re so scared about having your family at the wedding because we’ve been having non-stop fighting? My 2 sisters are BM’s. My older sister already dropped out because she said she hates me and my love makes her sick and she’s never liked me. Now my little sister who’s my MOH dropped her status level to BM bc I posted a pic of Facebook of my nephew in a shirt tuxedo with the caption “I’ll cry if my nephew wears this to the wedding.” and said she couldn’t be the MOH bc she couldn’t lie when she gives a toast and say anything positive about me. I’ve been apologizing to my little sister bc she didn’t read the entire post. I didn’t really think my nephew was going to wear that outfit. It was just that my fiance said he wanted to wear an outfit similar and was going to if my nephew was. He was just playing and I was too. My friends knew I wasn’t being serious. She’s just been nonstop mad at me if I mention anything about my nephew. It’s like I can’t even say his name without her getting pissed.
My parents are useless. They haven’t helped at all with planning. Everything I plan, they said it sounds terrible. I think my mom is just having a hard time with this wedding. She said my STD didn’t look like me bc I was wearing cowboy boots and I’m not a country girl and now I”m getting married on a farm and that’s even weirder. That’s why she gave my nephew the outfit bc she said she bet my inlaws would wear something similar bc they live in a small country town. It’s been stressful trying to plan this wedding bc I feel like once I get things rolling, either my momzilla or drama with my sisters happen, and then I’m back to feeling like I’m going to be worrying about my sisters and parents not showing up for the wedding. My mom sticks up for my sisters. When I called upset about the text my sister sent me, she said that I had no excuse doing what I did and that my sister had every right to do what she did. Even explaining the situation, she still sided with my sis saying she didn’t care that I felt like my sister overreacted. They say my behavior is passive aggressive and if anything, I have been trying so hard to fix drama in the family. I figured planning my wedding and not bothering my mom everyday about something about the wedding, would be a good thing. I tried to invite her in the plan making and she always had some excuse. She didn’t want to help me find a dress, I found that with my FMIL. My FMIL has helped with things my mom hasn’t. My mom says things like “what do I know about planning a wedding? I don’t need to help. You’re marrying this awesome family so you don’t need us.” I could sense a feeling of jealousy over the FIL. I know my sisters have met them and told my parents just how laid back they are and they’re 180 degrees different from mine.
I just can’t get anyone in my family to try and sit down and just hash things out and move on. We’ve had issues as a family my whole life and I started therapy about a year ago and my therapist said that the longer I stayed away from my dysfunctional family, the more I will grow in my therapy. I’ve agreed in his comments bc I spend time with my FIL and I never want to leave. Going to see my family and I’m not even there an hour before I’m already being attacked or I’m hearing about all these inside jokes or trips my sisters and mom have taken together and I’ve never been invited to.
I would have eloped but I thought this was an opportunity for them to continue sharing in moments that are exciting in a parent’s life. I’m the only child to go and graduate from college and all of my sisters eloped and my mom has mentioned being sad that she’s never seen a daughter get married and there’s no pictures to share. Now I’m regretting giving her this wish bc she’s done nothing but make me cry and my sisters are still being mean and scaring me that they will ruin my wedding day. They’ve done it before and we’ve gotten in fist fights in public places and I’d just die if they did something at my wedding. My mom and family’s whole fear is that they don’t know what I’ve told my FIL about them. My family and FIL have never met. We’ve been together for 3 years and my FIL have invited them to events and even wedding related events and they find some excuse not to go. I don’t have to say anything about my family to them. They make their own opinions. If anything I’ve lied and said my parents just work too much and that’s why they aren’t involved. I haven’t had the strength and my fiance has been too scared as well to tell my FIL that my family is trouble.
Post # 3
@born2teachuga: So sorry your going through this. I know we all want our parents and family to be excited about our weddings and we want to share our happiest days with those we love, however with some people there is no happiness and sorry to say it dear but your mom and siblings dont sound happy.
Weddings are meant to be about love and happiness, people are suppose to come to support you. I wish you could elope because it would probably be better for you. I get that your stressed. Hopefully if they cant be happy for you at least they will keep their mouths shut so they dont look like the bad attitude people they really are.
Your therapist is right though. The more you distance yourself from the dysfunction the more you will grow. I was reading your post and it sounds like you have always been the one to apologize, the one to grovel and basically they have stepped on you all your life. This isnt healthy but you cant change them. You can change you.
If standing up for yourself doesnt help then distance yourself. I stop speaking to my family for almost 6 years because my mother couldnt get it into her head that I was my own person and I could make decisions for myself. You are probably a wonderful person as is your FI….let them go…be happy and stop trying to please people that are never going to be happy.
Post # 4
Ouch, what a tough situation. I also have family problems I’m worried about, but nothing like this. I don’t know if it’s possible for you to try to distance yourself from it emotionally and think, “the wedding will be perfect because I will act well and I can’t control what other people do.” Remember that other people’s behavior reflects poorly on them, not you. Also, you could try to talk honestly with each person (separetly) and let them know how much you want your day to be perfect and ask them to only say positive comments, not negative ones, to support you enjoying your big day. Anyway, big hugs to you I know you can do it!
Post # 5
so sorry you’re going through this and I can totally relate as I am going through some terrible issues with my mother right now (she has always been abusive and painfully narcissistic…it really took the process of planning this wedding to realize how much I had let myself become controlled by her and fear her).
it sounds like FI and his family are fantastic…whenever times get tough, focus on that. disengage with your family and insofarasmuch as the wedding planning goes (I realize you are only 2 mos away!), hand them instructions and then hope for the best (I wouldn’t rely on them for much anyways). I couldn’t agree more with the PP who noted that other people’s bad behavior reflects poorly on them NOT you…let them show everyone what they’re all about and you go out there and enjoy your special day.
Post # 6
Thanks for all your responses. I think that’s why my mom has been so nervous about meeting the FIL. Every time we talk I’m with his family. I tell my mom how amazing his family is and I told my mom what they got me for Christmas and my mom said it was a weird gift (I got a gun bc my FFIL taught me how to shoot). My parents have me an unrealistic budget bc this is technically my second marriage. I ended my last one 3 months before we got married. When I shared my budget with the FIL, they said that they would pay for whatever my family wouldn’t pay for. When I told my mom to not worry about the cost of the wedding, it’s taken care of so let’s to look for a wedding dress and a MOB dress, she refused. She said she’s scared to meet the FIL and why do I keep asking her to help when it’s so obvious I have this awesome new family, so why can’t I just leave her out of the planning and just tell her where to show up and what time. She’s now paying for things but without a hassle in doing so. Like my photographer I hired when I thought I was having to pay for my wedding was found on Craigslist (I was desperate and I saw her portfolio in person) but she was going to be 8 months pregnant by the time I got married so I got scared she would be in labor at the ceremony, so I found someone else. This person was a little more expensive than I would’ve liked but she was bringing 2 photographers. My mom met her and liked her and said let’s book her, then out of no where she’s giving me names for other ppl. If it’s not photographer drama it was invitations. She wouldn’t look at the guest list and said she didn’t need to did she didn’t have anyone she really wanted to invite. I sent her the invitation I wanted 2 order, she ordered a different one that she liked better but the alignment was terrible and she didn’t spell my venue correctly. The menu to the caterer she wrote. Now she hates it. I went with simplistic rustic centerpieces. Hates those too. Doesn’t know why I don’t just find someone to chop a tree down for me and she can buy a wood burning kit and make me rustic centerpieces. I’m like wtf is wrong with my mother. She is mental if she thinks she can get all that done. At her 60th bday party she threw for herself, she was still setting up tables and cooking food and made guests wait. She can’t plan long term. She’s last minute, indecisive, and a micromanager. I almost want to rent a family for my wedding. After all, they haven’t met so they wouldn’t know. My little sister said she’d go to therapy with me if it’d shut me up. I’m trying to still convince my mom to go as well. I’m thinking if the little one will go, maybe others will follow suit bc I can’t see my mom letting 2 daughters find out the issue with siblings is bc the parents created the rivalry. Therapy might make things worse though.
Post # 7
“I almost want to rent a family for my wedding.” I have thought that very same thing myself. I think your heart is in the right place with wanting people to attend therapy…but therapy tends to work best when the person is motivated to go and work on issues. Sounds like your mom has an incredibly weak ego and is narcissistic (believe me, I feel your pain here) and has seen you and your siblings as objects…manipulating the situation to meet her own needs. I found this website/forum, “Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers” http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/
It has really helped so far and opened my eyes a lot. I hope it helps you too and provides some comfort.