Post # 1
I’m recently engaged and we’re getting married in March 2015, I’m really excited to be marrying my FI and whenever I try to picture any future stage of my life I can imagine him there. We’ve been together 4 years and have never had an argument, We’ve had minor disagreements or annoyed each other occasionally but always talk things through. We have very similar goals and ideas about bringing up kids and things like that.
But I’m scared of being the weak link in his family and it’s stressing me out! My parents are divorced, my mum now lives with the guy she cheated on my dad with (he’s also divorced), my dad had a partner but she was an alcoholic and he basically ended up as her carer before she died of liver failure… So basically what I’m saying is I’ve never spent much time around long term ‘normal’ functional relationships.
FI on the other hand… his parents have been together almost 40 years and are clearly still very much in love, he has 3 older siblings who are all married and have been for significant amounts of time and again all seem like it’s really working for them AND all of their spouses’ parents are still together.
I know that coming from a ‘broken home’ doesn’t mean you’ll end up divorced and that being surrounded by successful marriages doesn’t mean yours will necessarily work but.. FI just has this innate belief that as long as you work at it of course marriage works whereas all of my experiences are of unsuccessful, dysfunctional or unusual relationships and I’m scared that I just don’t have the tools or the knowhow or something… am I just being crazy?
Post # 2
You’re not being crazy, it’s totally understandable to feel this way. Maybe some counseling will help? It sounds like your FI is helping you to build a strong foundation and your relationship sounds great. You are not doomed to a life of divorce. The fact that you recognize this as a potential issue for you is a great start, now run with that and be the one that changes the path for your family and your future children. The thing about tools and knowhow is that they are learned. You may have learned bad habits up to this point but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn good habits and make the best of your life!! FWIW, my parents had a great marriage for 31 years, then it fell apart. It scared the hell out of me, I thought for sure if they couldn’t make it, then I wouldn’t be able to make it with my DH either (his parents are also divorced). You can’t predict the future, but you can work hard to make the present count and set yourself up for the best future possible.
Post # 3
You’re not crazy, but I feel like your fears are a bit irrational 🙂
Think about it this way- he comes from a “normal” family that knows how to have healthy relationships AND HE IS CHOOSING TO BE WITH YOU. Obviously you’re doing something right!
Post # 4
Every marriage is individual and new and special.. It’s just you and your husband. The relationship is unique and there will be issues to work through but love will win the day..
My best advice is that every single day of your married life you should both tell each other how much you love each other.
Post # 5
jny1179: Thank you for your reply, I think I really just need reassurance really. I’ve also asked FI about going to some pre-wedding couples councelling, at first he freaked a bit as he thought it was only for couples with major problems but once I explained why he has agreed to do some sessions. I think I might also get some books about relationships/marriage, there seems to be quite a few recommended regularly on the bee.
macielilla: Ha ha 🙂 I can cope with not crazy but irrational. I like the he’s choosing to be with me bit!
Supersleuth: Thanks 🙂 I’ll definitely use that advice!
Post # 6
Very well said. We all have the power to chart our own futures. I think the fact that you are so aware of your family history & it’s possible impact on you is huge.