Weddingbee boards

I'm not sure what to do.  I don't know if I'm overreacting.  And frankly, I'm afraid that anyone who hasn't read my other posts may get the wrong idea from what I can explain in one post.  He's in the shower now, so I'm trying to be fast.

Short story: I found out my boyfriend was addicted to heroin.  He got better, started going to NA meetings, got a job, is on suboxone.  Seems to be doing great.

But.  When he borrowed my car the other day (he was low on gas and his new job is 2 weeks late on pay, so he hasn't gotten a substantial check yet) he put a fair number of miles on it (75 maybe?), and explained to me why when I asked.  He said he went to this cool walkway a ways away.  Okay, maybe that doesn't mean anything.

I've been thinking about it, though, and I checked his phone.  There were texts from someone I don't know.  I don't know everyone he grew up with, so that's not necessarily anything.  The texts had this guy telling my SO he couldn't get him money yet.  Then another similar text a few weeks later.

I also noticed a single text from my SO earlier that said "Ya."  There wasn't a single text before it, so I don't know what the "Ya" is in response to.  Also, there are other texts from other people that occured before the date of his "Ya" text, so I worry that he deleted them.  But why would he do that, you know what I mean?

I'm really worried.  Tell me this isn't in my head.  Is it?  I'm kind of freaked.

How do I confront him about this?  I'm shaking so badly I can barely type.  I don't know what this means.

Do I tell him I read his texts?

I told him I read his texts.  I don't remember exactly what happened because I feel like a mess right now.  I'm going to try to write this out so I can have something to remember how it happend as well as get input.  

He said the texts did have to do with that, but swore that they were from before he had gotten clean adn went to rehab.  The guy still hadn't paid him back.  That seems possible because people who use are terrible with paying back money.

This part I'm uncertain of, so take it with a grain of salt:  I want to say that he didn't admit to anything until I asked him if he would pass a drug test.  He gave a vague answer and I asked him more straightforwardly, and he said he wasn't sure.  He said he had taken two Lortabs (an opiate, like heroin) about a week ago and wasnt sure if they would still show up.  Cue broken heart.  He said he hadn't sought them out, that a friend had had them legitimately, and he saw them lying around in the bathroom and just took two.  Made it sound like he didn't even think about it.  He said he was working up to talking to me about it, but he just got scared.  He claims he told his father about it.  He'll be getting a call from me tomorrow.

I asked if he had done anything any other time.  He said he had much closer to when he first got clean.  It's been a while, it seems.  Again, two Lortabs.  Or something.

I do know recovering from heroin is hard.  I was expecting a potential lapse.  I told myself that I could forgive a lapse if he told me about it right away and took the steps he needed to get back on track.  I couldn't stick around for full relapse, lying, manipulating.  I could have gotten pass the lapse, but I don't know if I can get past him not telling me.  It makes it so much worse, and makes me wonder if there is more he hadn't told me.  This is the fourth time he promised me he would do everything he can to stop, but that he will tell me everything.  He didn't.  But heroin is hard to recover from.  But do I want to stay with someone who is recovering from such a serious type of drug addiction but who isn't telling me everything?  Not really.  But I love him, and he is otherwise an amazing guy.

He's sleeping on the couch tonight.  I would have asked him to leave, but we don't know many people here right now because, well, most of our friends have left this college town.  And I don't want him going somewhere that might have more access to drugs.  I would have left but I really don't want to keep the couple friends I do have left here up all night when they have class tomorrow.  Maybe that's stupid.

I also don't know if I'm right in feeling suspicious about how many times he took it.  Maybe he is really doing a good job for the most part of getting better, but there have been times in the past, before he went to rehab and made a serious effort, when he admitted to the truth, but not the full truth.  Now he has made a serious effort.  So maybe this time he is telling me the whole truth.  But how the hell am I supposed to know?

Plus, I wonder about how tidy his story sounds.  He took two Lortabs around the time of rehab, and two Lortabs eight days ago.  Forgetting the detail that he took them once so recently--which makes it sound so much more like he could have been using some here and there the whole way through--why was it exactly two Lortabs specifically both times?  Is that a crazy suspicion?  I don't know, I'm not even thinking perfectly straight right now.

I don't know if I'm just disgusted by him right now, but the whole time he was telling me he was sorry and saying all the right things, it sounded so phony.  I don't know, I'm not in the right frame of mind to know.

It also sucks because this is a lot like how I found out how bad his addiction was last time, before he went to rehab.  I had asked if he would pass a drug test.  He said yes.  It wasn't until I told him I had a drug test in the apartment that he confessed.  Granted, this time I didn't say I had a drug test, but he later admitted in a different context that he didn't know if I had bought another one.

Thank you.  I can use positive thoughts any reminders.  Honestly, I felt like I was all but ready to marry him once he was clean long enough.  Don't know what I'm doing now.