- 3 years ago
Honestly, I just need to vent, and if anyone has anything negative to say, please move on because I’ve had enough negative comments in the last few days.
I did not want a wedding, but FI did and honestly, there have been parts of the process that have been really enjoyable and I was getting excited about the day. Other parts have been harder, and as we get closer to the date, I am getting stressed out. Throughout the wedding process, FI and I have made decisions on our own because we are paying for the wedding ourselves.
We visited FI’s parents over the weekend, and I picked out a few projects to tackle with FMIL because I wanted to bond with her and would appreciate her advice. The first project was the table seatings. We needed her help grouping people together in groups of 10 for FI’s family, but she went overboard. She was also trying to decide where each group sat. There are 4 prime tables in the venue, and we decided our parents and FI’s grandparents (with some other older folks) get the first two. Then she said to me, “It’s too bad you don’t have grandparents,” and then proceeded to suggest more of her family in the next tables. I was upset. My only family coming to the wedding is my parents and half-siblings, but I have a few friends, who are like my family (their children call me aunt). When I told her I wanted these friends to be at one of these prime tables, it was like she didn’t understand. Then she said that my step-mother’s family “wasn’t my real family” so they should sit in the back (basically making more room for her family in the front). First, I’ve known my step-mother’s family since I was 5 years old and while we’ve had a rocky relationship, we are moving forward, and second it’s not for her to decide what is my “real family.” I was so hurt by these comments. It’s emotional enough that I don’t have more family that will attend the wedding and generally don’t have much family at all (most have passed away including my GRANDPARENTS). I would have hoped she would be more considerate that just because I don’t have much family that it doesn’t mean I don’t have people in my life that should share the best tables. Also, the fact that my grandparents aren’t here to be at my wedding is emotional for me.
FI thankfully stepped in and said we had to reserve 2 of the 4 best tables for my people. But all weekend she sort of mockingly said, “Oh, well, at least you have a lot of FRIENDS coming to the wedding…” sort of as if I was putting too much importance on these people.
It didn’t stop there. FI and I told her we wanted a sweetheart table and would allow the bridal party to sit with their guests at a separate table (especially since FI’s sister has a long-term/live-in boyfriend, my sister has a baby and live-in boyfriend, and my brother is bringing a girlfriend who doesn’t know anyone). FMIL said, this was not the way it was supposed to be done and that all the bridal party must sit at the head table without their guests. It wasn’t until FI’s sister mentioned that she had had seen this done at other weddings that FMIL said, “Well, I guess it’s ok then….” I would think whatever the bride and groom WANT would be ok…especially when we were trying to be accommodating to our bridal party.
She asked on 3 separate occasions what we were going to do to fix the problem that we didn’t include meal choices with the RSVPs. I told her not only had I never heard of this, but the venue didn’t require it. It’s a restaurant that serves 100’s of people a day. She asked over and over how would we deal with this problem and whether the restaurant would have enough food, despite how often I responded that it wasn’t required at all and we had already confirmed directly with the restaurant.
Also, there were some comments made that it would have been easier for more of their family to make the wedding if it had been in their area vs. where FI and I live, but ultimately it was easier for us to plan by having the wedding where we live and it was what we wanted. Not to mention that…ummm…NONE of my extended family can make the wedding because they are overseas so it’s not like I am getting the better deal. Also, we are paying for transportation to bring FI’s family to the wedding location and back home the same day.
There are more examples, but I don’t the energy to write them out and this is getting long. Then I spoke to my mother today and she is also being negative about wedding stuff (she thinks we shouldn’t have had a wedding and should have just did something simple with parents and siblings, meanwhile she continues to invite tons of her friends). Honestly FI and his sister did a great job sticking up for me, but the whole situation was still upsetting because I truly do want FMIL to be happy with everything and I don’t want us to start off on the wrong foot because she doesn’t like our decisions for the wedding. On other occasions this weekend, I really did take her suggestion on other items like we went with her suggestion on the favors, and I made her suggested changes on the program (after she commented that a fan program was strange), because I want to show her respect, but the comments about my non-family did not sit well with me. I know she doesn’t mean it to be mean and she comes from a different cultural and family background where they have large families and family is very important, and I believe she is excited and wants the wedding to be like what she is used to, but I do think she is being a little selfish about what she wants and I think it was insensitive of her not to be understanding that I don’t have much family and most of the little family that I do have can’t even make the wedding.
I am just so stressed out and haven’t eaten all day. We are spending so much money on one day and can’t make anyone happy. Everyone tells us the wedding is about us, but it does not feel like it. It is about what everyone else wants or we will be judged. I just want to hide in bed all day. Officially, IDGAF about anything wedding related because it feels like anything I get excited or happy about others just crap on. At the end of the day, none of this stuff feels very important, but we were trying to make logical decisions that would work best for us and our guests (like fan programs because it will be hot instead of traditional ones, letting bridal party sit with their guests, splitting up best tables for FI’s people and my people), but I felt like everything was being criticized.